MONDAY, JULY 4
Happy birthday, America! Today you received one of your greatest gifts, as the following scandal happened in England, and not here. The collective populace of Britain popped their monocles and shat their breeches over the revelation that reporters for the Rupert Murdoch-owned News of the World had been getting scoops by hacking into the voicemails of private citizens. One particularly sad example was the press snooping into the cellphone of a 13-year-old missing girl and deleting messages, which led the distraught parents to conclude their daughter was still alive. These reporters also broke into the voicemail boxes of prominent politicians, celebrities, and the police, as well as the families of slain soldiers and victims of the 2005 subway bombing. The subsequent moral uproar inspired monopolistic media mogul Murdoch to publicly apologize and shut down News of the World in its entirety—though rumors are swirling that the 200 fired employees may find work at his other newspaper The Sun, which could begin publishing in the disgraced tabloid's place. (Wait... now is that really an "apology," or perhaps a "cynical attempt at product rebranding"? You be the judge.) Regardless, readers of One Day at a Time can rest assured that we will NEVER hack into someone's voicemail in order to score some juicy gossip. (Why should we, when it's so much easier just to make things up? On a related note... THIS JUST IN: "Kim Kardashian's Ugly Face Kills Herd of Passing Sheep!")
TUESDAY, JULY 5
It was America's turn to shat their breeches today when the jury in the Casey Anthony murder trial in Florida returned with a surprising verdict of "not guilty." Quick recap: Anthony was accused of murdering her two-year-old daughter Caylee—though she claims the child drowned in their pool, and that Casey, in a panic, chose to cover up the toddler's death rather than reporting it to the police. While the evidence against her appeared overwhelming, jurors claim the prosecution failed to provide any proof other than speculation, thereby forcing them to return with a "not guilty" verdict. This didn't stop America, and especially celebrities, from taking to their Twatter accounts to voice their intense displeasure. "This is bullshit!!!!" roared an incensed Carson Daly. "Florida is weird," twatted an astute (sarcasm) Lo Bosworth (from The Hills). Meanwhile, Rainn Wilson (Dwight from The Office) wrote, "Dear Florida, THANK YOU for freeing Casey! She's now available for partying and babysitting!" However, it was our mortal enemy (and possibly the only person WORSE than Casey Anthony) Kim Kardashian who delivered the most talked about twatter of the day: "WHAT!!!!???!!!! CASEY ANTHONY FOUND NOT GUILTY!!!! I am speechless!!!" "So was Nicole Brown Simpson's family when your dad got OJ off," responded hilarious and observant twatterer HaHaWhitePPL. (As you know, Kim's father Robert Kardashian served as one of OJ Simpson's defense lawyers back in 1995.) Not knowing when to shut up (because she never does) Kim snapped back, "Just because I was close to the OJ trial I can't have my own opinion on the Casey Anthony case?" NO, YOU CANNOT, YOU FUCKING UGLY BAG OF MOLDY LAUNDRY. Because the court of the world has concluded you are GUILTY of never saying ANYTHING worthwhile. Therefore you are hereby sentenced to your mansion until the adults in the room decide to quit talking.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 6
There was one tidbit of good news to counterbalance the gross miscarriage of justice that was the Casey Anthony trial: Vivid Entertainment—the nation's largest producers of adult videos—have decided against offering Casey a generous sum of money to star in one of their porn flicks. Says Vivid head honcho Steven Hirsch: "It has become obvious to us that Vivid fans, and people in general, want nothing to do with her and that includes a XXX movie. We want to make movies that people want to watch and we now believe that we underestimated the emotional response that people are having to the verdict. A movie starring Casey Anthony is not what people want to see." Hmmm... YA THINK?!? (However, if we're talking about a movie involving Casey Anthony and Kim Kardashian in a double suicide pact? We'll revisit the subject.)
THURSDAY, JULY 7
Yes... yes. We promised not to breathe Charlie Sheen's name for at least two weeks—and we apologize for breaking that promise. However, if Casey Anthony can get away with murder, why can't we? Chuckles is back in the tabs this week after scoring a possible new sitcom entitled Anger Management—somewhat based on the 2003 movie of the same name, starring Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson. Chuckles is set to play the Nicholson role, and since no one (including ourselves) remembers much about the film, let's just go ahead and label this new project a "unmitigated disaster" and move forward with our lives. MEANWHILE... Apparently unable to move forward with his life, Charlie Sheen and Comedy Central have scheduled a Comedy Central Roast—on the very same night Ashton Kutcher makes his debut as Chuckles' replacement on Two and a Half Men. Coincidentally, this is also the very same night that all parties involved will realize that America no longer gives a shit about any of this.
FRIDAY, JULY 8
And now it's time for your weekly reminder that Jennifer Aniston has no friends. Everyone's least-favorite filly somehow got her hoof prints set in concrete in front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollyweird yesterday, and no one showed up. Okay, four people showed up: TV ditz Chelsea Handler, Aniston's Horrible Bosses costar Jason Bateman, hack director Brett Ratner, and Aniston's current boyfriend, actor/screenwriter Justin Theroux. Don't let that sonic wave of four people's half-hearted applause knock you over, dear! IN SLIGHTLY LESS DEPRESSING NEWS... Jennifer Aniston is taking a year off! Perhaps aware that she has no friends, Ms. Ed has decided to take "a year off from work to enjoy herself," a source tells Us. Don't stop there, Jen! Take as many decades as you need. Besides, we hear Antarctica is just lovely this time of year.
SATURDAY, JULY 9
Oh god. "The people of America are desperate for positive change, and deserving of positive change, to get us off this wrong track," Sarah Palin recently told Newsweek, speaking in her garbled, rambling half English. "I'm not so egotistical as to believe that it has to be me, or it can only be me, to turn things around. But I do believe I can win." Oh god. She's not really going to... Oh god. Buckle up, dears: Alaska's Lindsay Lohan™ is back.
SUNDAY, JULY 10
"Christina Hendricks. It's a no-brainer," Easy A actress Emma Stone recently told The Advocate when asked if she had crushes on any women. "Everything about her does it for me. That's my kind of woman." For his reasoned interpretation of this development, we turn to One Day at a Time's Official Christina Hendricks and Emma Stone Correspondent, Hubby Kip—who has not only made careful study of both Ms. Stone and Ms. Hendricks, but is reading this over our shoulder as we type. "Now that's what I'm talking about, Annie," says Hubby Kip. "Who cares about stupid Rupert Murdoch, or stupid Casey Anthony? Write more about this stuff, and I'd read your little newspaper thing more often." (Can one get brain damage from slapping one's forehead too often?) MEANWHILE... Congrats to Sgt. Scott Moore of the 3rd Battalion 2nd Marines in Afghanistan, who recently posted a YouTube in which he asked Black Swan and That '70s Show actress Mila Kunis to go with him to a Marine Corps Ball this November... and when Kunis was informed of the video? "I'll do it!" she said, setting countless male hearts aflutter. IN RELATED KUNIS NEWS... "I'm a massive Trekkie," Mila recently told GQ. "Let me give you my rundown of the series in order of most favorite to least favorite... The Next Generation, the original series, then Voyager... then I have Deep Space Nine. Then last is Enterprise." She then noted that she attended the Star Trek Experience in Las Vegas "maybe five years ago," where she "hung out with a bunch of fake characters inside Quark's bar" and that she also has "a signed Leonard Nimoy photo" and "a bunch of vintage Star Trek figurines given to me by Jason Segel." No, we have no idea what any of that nerd gibberish means, but good god, Mila. Knock it off. You are ruining this for the rest of us. (And no, Kip, you cannot use the computer when we're done writing this "newspaper thing." And you are certainly not going to post any sort of YouTube. And take off those stupid Spock ears!!)