MONDAY, JULY 11
Today from the "We Thinks the Lady Doth Protest Too Much" desk: Intergalactic Stepford Wife Katie Holmes publicly labels hubby Tom Cruise a "manly romantic." Just one moment, please. HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!! Okay, we're back. Katie made this eye-rolling admission in the most recent issue of In Style, as well as giving an example of this so-called "manly romanticism." Says Katie, "Two years ago he took me up on his P-51 Mustang, a fighter plane from World War II [and not at all a euphemism for Tom's penis—Ann]. He painted the words, 'Kiss Me, Kate' on the side [in actuality, he probably paid some undocumented immigrant or Scientology lackey to do it—Ann]. It feels like you're on a bike in the sky [or, you know, an airplane—Ann]. I thought, I'm either going to spend this whole flight totally freaked out, or realize this is pretty thrilling [substitute "marriage" for "flight" and your choice is clear. GET FREAKED OUT.—Ann]." MEANWHILE... Twenty-four-year-old porn star/former Charlie Sheen "goddess"/grave robber Bree Olson is gaily whipping off her undergarments for a spread (and we do mean "spread") in the latest Playboy magazine, in which she also dishes on her time underneath the sweaty humping body of the fired Two and a Half Men star. "He's just a [sexual] rock star," said the overly generous Bree. "He's a powerhouse." [Okay, you can shut up now.] "He's a very sensual and sexual person [EW! Stop!], and when I was with him I felt as if we became one together [Ack! Gah-ross!], because he's just so enticing sexually." GAH! If he's so fantastic, maybe he should get together with "manly romantic" Tom Cruise? (Whoops... sorry, Katie. We didn't mean to give him any ideas....)
TUESDAY, JULY 12
In local news, a hearty "get well soon" to Portlander James Piles who had his leg lopped off in a somewhat tragic train/marijuana-related accident. We say "somewhat" because, in actuality, James appears somewhat cool with it all! Here's the story: The 23-year-old was returning from the annual Rainbow Gathering in Washington's Gifford Pinchot National Forest, and was walking along the railroad tracks when a train sneaked up behind Piles, struck his duffel bag, and threw him underneath its wheels. [How can a train sneak up on someone? Piles later told police he was under the influence of marijuana at the time... so umm, yeah. There's that.] His traveling companion—who was holding Piles' kitten "Ganja"—didn't have a phone, but flagged down a person who dialed 911. As it turns out, doctors could not reattach the severed appendage, but Piles remains blissfully philosophical about his new stump, joking he'll probably attach a "peg leg." "There's nothing much you can do but be positive about it," a super chill Piles told reporters. Everybody, take note. THAT'S how you deal with losing a leg. Now, pass the ganja. (We mean the kitten.)
WEDNESDAY, JULY 13
Hey, guess what, everybody? According to Us magazine, Green Lantern star Ryan Reynolds is dating equally boring actress Charlize Theron! In much more exciting news, ants devoured a half-eaten apple left on a picnic table in Boringsville, Boregon. We'll stay on this important breaking story. MEANWHILE... In local celebrity news—which would be about Daniel Baldwin, of course, because we have no other local celebrities—the actor has filed a restraining order against his wife, former fashion model Joanne Smith, followed by his request for a divorce. "Due to recent events in our home and for the safety of my children and myself, I have made this decision," Baldwin told TMZ. So what was the kerfluffle that led to all this drama? Again, according to former substance abuser Baldwin, Joanne was often "highly intoxicated," prone to "violent rage," and punched him in the head and face. She allegedly also had a thing for knives, threatening Baldwin with the weapons on more than one occasion. After reportedly watching a doc-umentary on husband killers, Baldwin says that Joanne came into their bedroom and declared, "Now I know how to do it, I understand why they did it. You have been warned." Baldwin's child supposedly overheard this announcement and responded, "Is Mommy going to kill us?" No, sweetie. She's not going to kill you. But while we have your attention, can you ask your daddy to please invite his brother Alec to move to Portland? We're in desperate need of a higher caliber of celebrities.
THURSDAY, JULY 14
Today in Lindsay Lohanigan shenanigans: Our fave celeb has once again tread on the wrong person's feelings—this time a reporter for Plum Miami magazine, who was stood up for an interview with the actress/jailbird. Note to celebs (especially those trying to rebuild careers): DO NOT DISAPPOINT REPORTERS. Especially Plum reporter Jacquelynn Powers, who was on the receiving end of LiLo's no-show, and decided to write a hilariously dishy description of Lindsay's diva behavior at the magazine's photo shoot. Example one: Blocked from entering the shoot's parking lot by orange traffic cones, the actress lowered her car window and shouted, "Move that cone. I'm Lindsay Lohan." (We're getting that printed up on a T-shirt, BTW.) But best of all, Powers overheard Lohan violently complaining about the unfair state of her career, saying that the actress had taken "ballet until she was 19 and was indignant that she was not considered for the movie Black Swan." Excuse us again for a moment. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! This week just gets better and better.
FRIDAY, JULY 15
Earlier this week, the world's most annoying pop star, Lady Gaga, wobbled out in a wheelchair at a Sydney concert, singing god knows what while wearing some sort of mermaid costume and... you know. Doing her annoying Lady Gaga thing. LITTLE DID WE KNOW... that Bette Midler was getting her granny panties in a bunch about it! Hobbling over to Twitter, the 4,000-year-old Beaches star began furiously rambling. "Dear @ladygaga if you think a mermaid in a wheelchair seems familiar-it's because it is! You can see it on youtube 24/7-with ME performing it," Midler tweeted, followed by "Dear @ladygaga Ive been doing singing mermaid in a wheelchair since 1980-You can keep the meat dress and the firecracker tits-mermaid's mine." (We're assuming Bette's exasperated publicist kept her from sending one last one: "Dear @ladygaga please respond I just want someone to talk to #sunsetboulevard.") MEANWHILE... The real victims in all of this—the Australians who woke up one morning to find a Gaga on their soil—responded to Lady Gaga's presence by doing what any sane people would do: They threw eggs at her entourage as they exited a club. Good on you, Australia! You might be good for something besides baby koalas after all!
SATURDAY, JULY 16
"We have decided to end our marriage," Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony told a thoroughly ambivalent People magazine yesterday. "This was a very difficult decision. We have come to an amicable conclusion on all matters." So, in summation, the formerly famous JLo from American Idol and whoever Marc Anthony is have divorced. COULD ANYTHING BE MORE BORING? Oh. We spoke too soon. "David Duchovny and Téa Leoni are back together just weeks after announcing their separation," mumbled RadarOnline in a weary monotone, clearly apathetic regarding the news that Agent Mulder and what's-her-face are.... Hey, look. Can we ship some Australians over here or something? And supply them with a bunch of eggs? Today is super boring.
SUNDAY, JULY 17
Okay, Marines: STOP IT. As reported last week in One Day, Sergeant Scott Moore went on YouTube and asked Friends with Benefits star Mila Kunis to accompany him to a Marine Corps ball. Kunis, charmingly, said yes, everyone awwwwed, and that was that. But then another Marine, Corporal Kelsey De Santis, decided to get on YouTube and ask out Kunis' Friends with Benefits costar, Justin Timberlake, to another Marine Corps ball... which Timberlake—lest he look like a total jerk compared to the charming Kunis—had to say yes to as well. Well played, Marines! You've successfully ensured awkward dates with two of Hollyweird's most boinkable celebs! But then Sergeant Ray Lewis had to get greedy and get on YouTube and ask former Golden Girl/living internet meme Betty White to another Marine Corps ball! But this time—THANK GOD—the lusted-after celeb had the common sense to shut him down. "I am deeply flattered and truly appreciate the invitation," White wrote LAtimes.com when informed of the video. "As everyone knows, I love a man in uniform... but unfortunately I cannot accept, as I will be taping an episode of Hot in Cleveland. Love, Betty White." Betty, we're impressed—not only did you manage to politely tell a sex-crazed Marine to back off, but you also snuck in a plug for your sitcom. Now that's how you use the internet.