MONDAY, JULY 18
Last week's startling news that J.LO and hubby Marc Anthony had abruptly split up after seven years of marriage has failed to ignite the curiosity of America—primarily because it isn't very interesting, and no one cares very much. But you should still be aware of the basic scuttlebutt, just in case someone asks (which they probably won't, because zzzzzzz). According to unnamed sources gabbing to Us Weekly, J.ANT's rocky marriage was peppered with arguments aplenty on topics ranging from cheating accusations (Anthony was rumored to have boinked a stewardess—BTW, it's okay to call flight attendants "stewardesses" if they're cheating whores) to Anthony's supposed raging jealousy over his wife's newfound success (Marc, judging American Idol is not exactly "a success" in anyone's book). All in all, this is a pretty disappointing breakup, and we should all encourage these two to be a bit more interesting in the future. (Note to J.LO: You know, Ben Affleck hasn't made the news much lately... Just sayin'!) MEANWHILE... In far more interesting news, the British phone-hacking scandal is now officially "off the hook" (GET IT??), producing a flurry of new, juicy developments: After being staunchly defended by media mogul Rupert Murdoch, former editor of the now-defunct News of the World Rebekah Brooks has been arrested; Sean Hoare, the reporter who blew the whistle on the hacking scandal was mysteriously found dead in his home; two top Scotland Yard cops have abruptly resigned after being implicated in the scandal; and even Brit Prime Minister David Cameron cut short a trip to Africa in order to dash home and face an angry and harrumphing parliament, because he'd hired former News of the World Editor Andy Coulson as his communications director. Meanwhile, back in the States, J.LO and Marc Anthony claim that "some of their most interesting and scandalous voicemails" had been hacked as well. NICE TRY, boring people! But no cigar.
TUESDAY, JULY 19
Here's a blast from the past: "Octomom" Nadya Suleman is back in the tabs, vehemently denying that she made anti-baby statements to In Touch magazine. In an interview published last month, O-mom was quoted as saying, "I am absolutely disgusted by babies. They make me sick ... I don't even look at them." But now she's denying making those statements—even though gossip site TMZ listened to the original recorded interview and backs up In Touch's side of the story. Nadya... there's no need to make up lies—WE ALL AGREE WITH YOU. Babies are disgusting little creatures, who ooze saliva, snot, and diarrhea. MEANWHILE... Mindlessly babbling conservative candidate Michele Bachmann is thankfully still in the race for the presidency (because it would be as boring as J.ANT otherwise), and today was striking back at reports that her debilitating migraines would limit her ability to govern effectively. A former staffer for the Minnesota congresswoman told the Daily Caller that Bachmann regularly suffered from stress-induced migraines that would "incapacitate" her enough to miss work for days. While admitting she's a migraine sufferer, Bachmann had this to say in response: "Let me be abundantly clear—my ability to function effectively has never been impeded by migraines and will not affect my ability to serve as commander in chief." We believe her—mainly because we've yet to see her "function effectively" even on a good day. Take two Midols and keep entertaining us, Michele!
WEDNESDAY, JULY 20
National Denial Week continues, courtesy of our old pal, Ms. Britney Spears (that's "Britney" to you, bitch). Former security guard Fernando Flores is suing the recovering pop tartlet, claiming that not only did she sexually harass him; she also had extremely poor hygiene. In the suit, Flores alleges that Spears "had obnoxious personal habits," which included, but were not limited to: chain smoking, refusing to bathe, brush her teeth, or wear deodorant, and that "she broke wind or picked her nose un-self-consciously and unapologetically before plaintiff [Flores]." Unsurprisingly, the Spears camp is pooh-poohing the accusations, saying this was "just another unfortunate situation where someone is trying to take advantage of the Spears family and make a name for himself." Happily, one of Britney Spears' farts also spoke up to defend itself. "That's just an outright lie, y'all," the fart tooted. "I ain't never popped out anywhere near that man—and even if I did, he'd love it 'cuz I smell like honey lemon drops."
THURSDAY, JULY 21
More woes for Lindsay Lohan, whose legal problems are appearing with more regularity than a Britney honey lemon drop fart. Today, Judge Stephanie Sautner was furious because, after two months, Lindsay-Loo has only completed four days of her required 60 days of community service. She has one year to complete the sentence, and if she doesn't? OH-OH! "I'm not going to give her five extra minutes," Judge Sautner fumed. "I don't want to hear, 'Oh, I couldn't do it because I was on the set of the John Gotti movie.'" But judge! Being in the John Gotti movie does fulfill her sentence—if you agree that inspiring snorting derisive laughter is a "community service."
FRIDAY, JULY 22
A "good news/very bad news" day... which do you want to hear first? Fine. GOOD NEWS: President Obama announced that the military's infamous and overtly homophobic "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy (DADT) will be repealed this coming September. "As of September 20," the president stated, "service members will no longer be forced to hide who they are in order to serve our country. Our military will no longer be deprived of the talents and skills of patriotic Americans just because they happen to be gay or lesbian." It's about goddamn time. Sad/ironic fact: DADT is 18 years old—which means if it were a person, it would be old enough to serve in the military. Okay, BAD NEWS: Oslo, Norway, was the victim of two horrific attacks today allegedly carried out by one political extremist. Right-winger Anders Behring Breivik is suspected by police of setting and detonating homemade fertilizer bombs in Oslo's capitol building, killing at least seven, and targeting the country's prime minister, who was away at the time. After detonating the bombs, police say he then traveled to an island near the mainland hosting a left-leaning youth camp, where, disguised as a police officer, he called everyone together and then opened fire with an automatic weapon. The gunman killed 68 people—some as young as 16—before the actual police arrived 45 minutes later. Bad news does not get much worse.
SATURDAY, JULY 23
More bad news: Brit singer Amy Winehouse was found dead this morning in her North London home, possibly the victim of an overdose, though her death is still under investigation. According to reports, Winehouse had recently finished an alcohol rehabilitation program, after being booed off the stage for being drunk during a Serbian concert. She will be missed. MEANWHILE IN AWKWARD SEGUES... On Ryan Seacrest's radio show today, actress/hottie Mila Kunis admitted to using a "butt double" in her latest rom-com sex flick, Friends with Benefits. Because we're too depressed by the previous two stories, we're calling in One Day at a Time "Mila Kunis' Butt Correspondent" Hubby Kip to take it from here. "Oh no you don't, Annie!" Hubby Kip mumbled with a mouth full of Funyuns. "Just because I've performed lengthy, intensive studies of Mila Kunis' butt, doesn't mean I'm shallow enough to ignore recent tragic events. Luckily for me, using a butt double instead of Mila Kunis' actual butt is a tragic event. Mila Kunis' actual butt: It will be missed."
SUNDAY, JULY 24
Happy birthday, J.LO, who turns a sexy 42 years old today! And how did she spend the occasion? Flouncing around on the beach for the paparazzi dressed solely in a revealing bikini, as if to say, "Dear former hubby Marc Anthony—behold the booty you will never tap again." You know... this is almost interesting, and... wait. BREAKING LINDSAY LOHAN NEWS: Fresh off her warning from the probation judge, LiLo hit the town again last night, and though she started off the evening sober, by evening's end she was reportedly seen "crying, screaming, and barely able to walk." Sources at LA's Palihouse hotel talking to Radar Online claim to have witnessed the actress gulping from other people's drinks, knocking back a vodka shot, and, by 2 am, trying to stabilize herself by hanging on to the curtains. Noticing the rest of her party had left, sources say she was screaming into her phone, "Everybody left me! Why did everyone leave me?" Eventually she was escorted outside and "collapsed" into her Escalade. So anyway... Happy Birthday, J.LO! Uninteresting or not, just be grateful for who you are.