EMPEROR KLAKTU OF RIGEL VII "Eff you, Tom!"

MONDAY, AUGUST 1
You lovers of the classics already know that Dante's Inferno identified nine circles of Hell—but we're sad to say we've just discovered a 10th: Kim Kardashian's two-day pre-wedding television event. As you already know, Kim is the most terrible person on any plane of existence (physical or metaphysical)—including the one dominated by Satan, who once said about Kardashian, "Ughh! Oh, my god, she's the WORST." Now her upcoming wedding to idiot/sap/golddigger Kris Humphries is threatening to throw the entire universe out of whack by making Hell the second most uncomfortable plane of existence. The E! network (home to horrific reality show Keeping Up with the Kardashians) announced today that leading up to the wedding it will broadcast a "two-part television event that goes inside the glitz, glamour, and romance of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries' wedding extravaganza." That's FOUR HOURS of Kim & Co. preparing for an event that will one day hopefully be classified as a crime against humanity, and face the harshest of judgments from the International Criminal Court, and... oh, what's that, Satan? "Did you know she actually tried to reserve our level eight circle for her reception?" Satan scoffed. "So I told her that level eight was already reserved for our annual 'Aborted Baby Barbecue,'—and do you know what she said? 'Fine, I'll cancel the caterer.' SHE'S THE WORST!!" MEANWHILE... Here's further proof the world has gone all topsy-turvy—Lindsay Lohan and sworn enemy Paris Hilton are besties once again! As you certainly remember, the one-time BFFs had a well-publicized bust-up around the time Hilton's greasy boy-toy Brandon Davis branded Lohan with the awful (but still kind of hilarious) name "Fire Crotch." However, time and consecutive prison sentences apparently heal all wounds, and according to Radar Online, the former pals were spotted together this weekend on a three-day party binge, with Lohan finally stumbling out of P.Hilt's beach pad a little worse for wear at 4 am on Sunday morning. SIGH! It's like 2006 all over again—except this time they're wearing panties. (WE HOPE WE HOPE WE HOPE!)

TUESDAY, AUGUST 2
Speaking of old-timey celebrity feuds, Kelly Osbourne (remember her?) is once again lashing out at Christina Aguilera (remember her?). During the E! show Fashion Police—wherein fashionistas critique the clothing of the stars—host Joan Rivers noted that Xtina looked "stuffed" into a Givenchy LBD during an event last month in Munich. "Maybe she is just becoming the fat bitch she was born to be," sniped a still-furious Kelly in response, who added, "She was a cunt to me. She called me fat so many fucking years, so you know what? Fuck you! You're fat, too!" Whoooo! Whoooo! Here comes the therapy train! Alllllll abooooard! Happily, the always-hilarious Joan Rivers cut the tension by quipping that the outfit made Xtina look like "Snooki's Scandinavian cousin." [Dear World: From now until the end of time, Christina Aguilera will only be referred to as "Snooki's Scandinavian cousin." Please make a note of it.]

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 3
You knew it was bound to happen, and here it comes in three... two... one: Marc Anthony is begging Jennifer Lopez to take him back, according to a report from Us magazine. After their bust-up last month, J.LO has been seen prancing around the beach in her bikini, whooping it up with pals, and making a billion dollars here and there for god knows what. Meanwhile, former hubby Anthony remains somewhat the same: wallowing in obscurity, unless you count the occasional supermercado grand opening in Juarez, Mexico. "His mood shifts from blaming her to begging her to take him back to telling her she is destroying his life," a source close to the Lopez camp smirked. Hubby Kip has a very similar relationship... with a giant bag of Funyuns he purchased from Costco. MEANWHILE... Though we are rarely driven to making obscene outbursts, today is going to be different because WHAT. THE. FUCK???? According to Life & Style magazine, the love of our life/man of our dreams/emperor of our nethers George Clooney has been getting "cozy" with... gulp... former WWE star Stacy Keibler?!? Ummm... What. The. Fuck?!? "He's enjoying time with Stacy, but he just got out of a two-year relationship," reports a messenger who should obviously be shot. "George isn't ready for anything serious. This fling is purely for fun." We. Don't. Care. Because. What. The. Fuck?!? "Plus they have a lot of friends in common and run in the same circles," adds the messenger who is like, two seconds from his demise. OKAY. Let's get this straight: George runs "in the same circles" as a WWE star? So Matt Damon is actually The Undertaker? George trades body slams with Triple H? (OMG, this is the WORST day of our life. Now we're going to be up all night bedazzling a spandex unitard.)

THURSDAY, AUGUST 4
Happy birthday, President Barack Obama, who turns a nifty 50 today! Hope you enjoy your present, which includes a spiraling economy, a protracted, painful exit from Afghanistan, a congress run by Tea Baggers who would rather destroy the country than agree to anything you say, and a head full of gray hairs. (At least the gray makes you look kind of sexy.)

FRIDAY, AUGUST 5
Today, for the first time ever, financial analysts Standard & Poor's downgraded the United States' credit rating, threatening investor confidence and signaling even bigger troubles about our economy than previously suspected. (And we suspected they were pretty big to begin with, so....) MEANWHILE... Hubby Kip, shaken by the news, has vowed to "no longer use the credit card to buy Funyuns." When asked how, exactly, he planned to purchase Funyuns in the future, Hubby Kip thought for a moment, and then promised to only use the credit card to buy Funyuns "sometimes."

SATURDAY, AUGUST 6
"China, the world's largest foreign holder of United States debt, said Saturday that Washington needed to 'cure its addiction to debts' and 'live within its means,'" reports the New York Times. "The US government has to come to terms with the painful fact that the good old days when it could just borrow its way out of messes of its own making are finally gone," read the official commentary, published in newspapers across China. So... anybody else frantically getting their hubby to dig an apocalypse shelter in the backyard? MEANWHILE... Some Scientologists had a party! John Travolta, Juliette Lewis, Jason Lee, Priscilla Presley, and several other C-listers posed for photos outside the Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre's 42nd Anniversary Gala, trying to convince us that they aren't part of some weird cult and instead are just like us: insanely rich, marginally talented celebs who like to be pandered to by religious whackjo—THIS JUST IN! "Oh, no, of course I don't mind that I wasn't invited!" Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII wrote in an unsolicited press release about the event. "Why would I care? It's not like I'm a pivotal leadership figure in the church, or like I'm Suri Cruise's godfather, or, ya'know, ANYTHING LIKE THAT. Why, I'd much rather sit here, alone, in standard orbit above the sixth moon of Prometheus X4, twiddling my tentacles and thinking about how happy I am not to be leaving slime-trails all over the Celebrity Centre's luxurious red carpet while surrounded by friends and photographers! NEVER MIND ME, TOM. I HAD OTHER PLANS TONIGHT ANYWAY." More on this story as it develops.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 7
Following the controversial police shooting of 29-year-old Mark Duggan, riots erupted in several London neighborhoods today. "There are people in this city, sadly, who are intent on violence, who are looking for the opportunity to steal and set fire to buildings and create a sense of mayhem, whether they're anarchists or part of organized gangs or just feral youth frankly, who fancy a new pair of trainers," said Deputy Mayor of London and Chair of the Metropolitan Police Authority Kit Malthouse. (Confidential to Kip: Dig faster. And get some canned food and bottled water on your next "Funyuns run.") MEANWHILE... Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes went to a Katy Perry concert! "You've gotta be fucking kidding me!" Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII shouted when asked for comment. "'I Kissed a Girl'? 'Teenage Dream'? 'Hot N Cold'? I'M THE ONE WHO PLAYED THOSE FOR YOU, TOM! YOU WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT KATY IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME! I just... I mean... no comment, Ann. I meant to say 'no comment.'" Hours later, NASA satellite surveillance of the Prometheus system picked up a sad, small voice singing softly to itself in the dark void of space. "You're hot and you're cold, you're yes, then you're no... you're in, then you're out, you're up, then you're down," the lilting voice sang into the cold, barren emptiness. "We used to be just like twins, so in sync... the same energy, now's a dead battery."