MONDAY, AUGUST 8
As our alcoholic Aunt Becky used to say, "When the world gives you lemons, think about the poisoned lemons they could've given you." Okay... let's think of a poisoned lemon... oh. Here's one, in the form of a headline from OK! magazine: "George Clooney and Stacy Keibler Have a True Blood Date Night at His LA Pad." While news of this nature usually inspires blackout rages, we've decided to look at the situation a bit more... philosophically. For example, when we hear from the same article that, "George cooked dinner for Stacy," we say, "Well, good for him. There's nothing wrong with cooking some food for a washed-up herpes-infected WWE tramp..." Ahhh, we mean, "perfectly nice person." And when we hear that George thinks "she's gorgeous and fun to be around," we say, "Hey! We're gorgeous and fun to be around, too—the main difference being we don't have a sparkly spandex camel-toe dripping with Vagisil, and... ahem. We're sure she's a perfectly nice person." And when we hear that "they watched True Blood on demand," we say, "THAT'S OUR SHOW, YOU GORGEOUS BASTARD!! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU LET THAT SLUTTY TROLLOP DEGRADE WHAT SHOULD BE OUR MONDAY NIGHT CUDDLE PARTY?? I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I... meant to say she's a perfectly nice person." Seeth.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 9
Speaking of "perfectly nice people," here's someone who's not: Arnold Schwarzenegger. TMZ reported today that Arnie—who, as you've giggled about, is in the midst of a fortune-ruining divorce from wifey Maria Shriver, because he inserted his robust Austrian sperm into the hired help, thereby conceiving a mini-Schwarzy out of wedlock—went on a bike ride this weekend and was spotted wearing a T-shirt that read, "I Survived Maria 1977-2010." The shirt was originally intended as a joke gift from Maria's office staffers when Arnie retired as governor—though the Governator took his douchebaggery one step further by crossing out the original dates (2007-2010) and making it 1977-2010—the year Schwarzenegger first started dating Maria. Pretty funny joke, Arnold! You know what else is funny? Now owing Maria $25 billion in spousal support instead of $1 billion. You should totally put that on a shirt! MEANWHILE... In response to an online petition that asked for Sesame Street's live-in suspected lovers Bert and Ernie to get hitched in support of marriage equality, the show's producers sent out the following reminder: "Even though [Bert and Ernie] possess many human traits... they remain puppets and do not have a sexual orientation." Umm. That... is... DISCRIMINATION! We'll have these Sesame Street people know that puppets and dolls do so too have a sexual orientation—for example, the Barbie we played with growing up was almost entirely straight, while Ken was definitely bisexual. (He spent a lot of sexy time with our brother's GI Joe. Barbie was okay with it—she's a dirty girl and likes to watch.)
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10
Today's moral: Don't assume the worst—even when we're talking about Lindsay Lohan! According to an extremely damning video from X17 Online, LiLo was taped purchasing a bag of "something" from someone on the street in Venice Beach. Do you think that bag of "something" contained drugs? Well... it didn't! What did we just tell you three sentences ago? DON'T ASSUME THE WORST. As it turns out, as soon as the video popped up on the internet, Lindy's new bulldog publicist Steve Honig jumped all over the gossip site, and set them straight! Lindsay didn't buy a bag of drugs—she bought a bag of rocks and "crystals" (including "sea jasper, a meteor, rose quartz, and quartz" according to Radar Online) because obviously Lindsay has put all her substance-abuse problems behind her, and obviously turned her attentions to rock collecting, and obviously the very best and most sought-after rocks are purchased from random guys on the street in Venice Beach! In a word, DUH! Thank you, publicist Steve Honig, for setting everyone straight on this potentially career-ruining misunderstanding. Goodness! We need to calm our nerves. Excuse us while we smoke some sea jasper.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 11
What follows are two related stories about urination: First, the New York Post reported today that during a flight out of Portland bound for NYC, a drunken Vermont 18-year-old got confused and urinated on a sleeping 11-year-old girl. When the father (who was apparently hogging the restroom at the time and inadvertently caused the situation, if you ask us) returned, he had to be pulled off the drunk, who was later arrested for indecent exposure. That's the first urination story—here's the second: Worthless walking septic tank Kim Kardashian has revealed the names of a few of the A-list celebs she's inviting to her stupid, pointless wedding. According to Radar Online the guest list so far includes Jennifer Lopez, Justin Bieber, Will Smith, Ryan Seacrest, Kanye West, Jay-Z, and Beyoncé. What does any of this have to do with urination? Because we'd like to shove Kim's stupid ugly face into a sopping wet adult diaper. WE... HATE... HER... SO... MUCH!!
FRIDAY, AUGUST 12
During last night's Republican primary debate, long-shot candidate Herman Cain—the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza!—said something quite moving: "A poet once said, 'Life can be a challenge, life can seem impossible, but it's never easy when there's so much on the line.'" Yesterday wasn't the first time Cain's quoted those inspiring words—he also posted them on his official website, quoted them during his campaign announcement, and repeated them at last month's Republican Leadership Conference. While Cain has also attributed the rousing words to "the closing song to the 2000 Olympics," today some teenage nerds put the pieces together and realized where they're actually from... the theme song to Pokémon: The Movie 2000. For more, we turn to One Day at a Time political correspondent Pikachu. "Pika pika!" the excitable, asexual pokémon chirped when informed of Cain's gaffe. "Pika pika, pika—pika pika pika pika." When asked if it thought Cain's quoting of a Pokémon song might, in retrospect, be a pretty good indicator of the current ineptness of the Republican Party, Pikachu first giggled, then forlornly shook its creepy yellow head. "Pika," it added sadly. "Pika."
SATURDAY, AUGUST 13
"Gotta catch 'em all!" was the sentiment of Republican hopefuls in Iowa today, as many of the leading candidates chased down voters in an informal straw poll to see who might be the real presidential candidate. To the terror and befuddlement of grown-ups everywhere, Michele "Crazy Eyes" Bachmann won, with Ron "The Republican Ralph Nader!" Paul and Tim "Borrowed Time" Pawlenty finishing second and third. Another frontrunner, Mitt Romney, did not participate, presumably because he was tending to his Tamagotchi. MEANWHILE... Considering how ridiculous this field is, allow us to throw another potential candidate into the mix: Charlie Sheen, who was in Illinois today at the Gathering of the Juggalos! "The former Two and a Half Men actor's appearance at the music festival... was met with both boos and jeers," reported ABC News, which noted he was forced "to avoid an object thrown at the stage" before catching "another object" and joking that he would "leave the stage and make way for the next act 'before he gets impaled.'" Considering this is the same crowd that's been known to pelt Tila Tequila with human feces, getting off stage was probably a good move, Charlie. Now... tell Pikachu exactly how many insane concessions you're willing to make to the Tea Party.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 14
"While the poor and middle class fight for us in Afghanistan, and while most Americans struggle to make ends meet,we mega-rich continue to get our extraordinary tax breaks," kazillionaire investor Warren Buffett wrote in today's New York Times, as part of an unprecedented piece directed at the "legislators in Washington who feel compelled to protect [the rich], much as if we were spotted owls or some other endangered species." After pointing out the staggering inequality in how billionaires are taxed compared to the rest of us, Buffett continued, "I know well many of the mega-rich and, by and large, they are very decent people. They love America and appreciate the opportunity this country has given them. Many have joined the Giving Pledge, promising to give most of their wealth to philanthropy. Most wouldn't mind being told to pay more in taxes as well, particularly when so many of their fellow citizens are truly suffering." "My friends and I have been coddled long enough by a billionaire-friendly Congress," he concluded. "It's time for our government to get serious about shared sacrifice." MEANWHILE... "OMGGGGG I just saw I reached 9 MILLION followers!!!!!! I am so speechless! YOU truly are my world and mean everything to me. I LOVE YOU!" Kim Kardashian tweeted today. WHERE IS THAT SOPPING WET ADULT DIAPER?