MONDAY, JULY 3 It's official: Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are now divorcey-weds. (Well, what else do you call newly divorced people?) Thanks to a judge signing off on some boring papers, the former poster children of heterosexual matrimony are splitsville. Why does anyone care? To see who gets the money, of course! Since the two neglected to sign a prenup before marrying, any money made before the separation is community property. This is really good news for Nick. whose ex-wife Jessie raked in tens of millions of dollars with her awful singing, and even awfuler movie career. This is less than pleasant news for Jess. whose ex-husband's career is only slightly more successful than Britney's future ex-husband Kevin Federline. MEANWHILE... We haven't seen her name in the gossip pages for a while, but Jennifer "J.LO" Lopez is back with a doozy! According to her ex-hubby Ojani Noa, Ms. LO is a practitioner of "Santeria"—more commonly referred to as "voodoo"—which involves chanting, trances, animal sacrifice, and putting the magical whammy on ex-husbands such as himself. In a court deposition—wherein Noa is trying to get permission to release a book about the couple's short-lived marriage—the spurned hubby says, "She was doing bad things to a lot of people. She was doing all this religious bullshit to me, to Cris [Judd, her second husband], to Puffy [Sean Combs, her almost husband], to Anthony [as in Marc, her current husband]." Okay, that's probably not true at all. But if it is—what about Ben Affleck? After all they've been through, is it going to kill her to sacrifice a chicken?
TUESDAY, JULY 4 Happy birthday, America. Now that we have that established, we would like to request that all fireworks being blown up on our street come to a halt immediately! Really, in order to avoid any further unnecessary amputations, this sort of thing should be left to the professionals—like North Korea. In a truly annoying act of gall, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il ordered a barrage of long- and short-range missile testing... to scare us... and on our birthday! (SO uncool.) The tests began at 11:30 am today—around the same time our hillbilly neighbors woke up and began shooting roman candles at the animals in our neighborhood—and while the short-range missiles appeared to perform well, the long-range test failed, falling impotently into the Sea of Japan after 40 seconds. According to Jim Walsh, a national security analyst at Massachusetts Institute of Technology, the "tests do not represent an immediate military threat to the United States." Walsh added that long-range missiles are a "very difficult technology. They very clearly have not mastered it. Most estimates are they will not master it for another 10 years." Nevertheless, if Kim Jong-il is anything like our hillbilly neighbors, they will never stop trying. Hide your pets, people.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 5 Today convicted white-collar felon Ken Lay (of Enron fame) died of an apparent heart attack. Apparently Satan just couldn't wait.
THURSDAY, JULY 6 And speaking of sneaky guys who will probably end up in hell, Britney's deadbeat hubby Kevin Federline continued his national embarrassment tour today with a startling announcement: That rap song he leaked onto the internet, "PopoZao"? It's a fake song designed to make YOU feel stupid when he releases his REAL music! Says Feddy, "At first, when I put out 'PopoZao,' people were kinda laughing at me. I did it on purpose so people would look at me exactly the way they did. That way, when I come out with my real shit, people are fucking blown away." WOW. That is the stupidest thing we've ever heard. (And we read gossip magazines on a daily basis!) So what is Kevin going to do when "his real shit" stinks worse than "PopoZao"? "Ohhh... Did I say 'PopoZao' was a joke? I meant to say my new music is a joke, so that my OLD music would fucking blow you away!" Kevin Federline is like the Lex Luthor... of IDIOTS.
FRIDAY, JULY 7 Helpful hint! If you're ever almost to the top of Everest and you get a little cold and light-headed, don't huddle under a rock and wait for someone to help you. This is what climber David Sharp did a while back, and fellow climbers streamed past him until he was frozen solid. No one was shocked. The rules on Everest are harsh and most right-thinking people think that anyone who decides to climb up that high deserves what he gets. But then we found out that one of the climbers who scrambled right past the dying Sharp was double-amputee Mark Inglis. We were aghast. Double amputees can be assholes, too?! Not so, said Inglis. Sure, he didn't stop. But he radioed his expedition leader and his expedition leader told him to keep moving. Ergo, his expedition leader—a man with TWO, count 'em, TWO legs—was the asshole. Well, THAT made more sense. But now Inglis has admitted that he didn't call his expedition leader. He saw Sharp freezing to death under a small rock overhang near the peak, yes, but after that the details get a little fuzzy. But the important thing—the really, super important part of the story—is that Inglis was the first double amputee to climb Everest EVER!! Isn't that GRAND? He's recovering now from having five fingers and parts of his leg stumps amputated because of frostbite. Another helpful hint: If you don't have legs, it might be a good idea to protect the hands.
SATURDAY, JULY 8 News broke today that the feds have broken up a terrorist plot to flood Manhattan. Eight suspects had been working on the plan for about a year. An entire year and nothing? SO disappointing. The men were going to bomb the train tunnels under the Hudson, as they were under the impression that this would flood lower Manhattan, including Wall Street. Unfortunately, their little scheme did not take the laws of physics into account, specifically the fact that Manhattan is above sea level. (You can tell because it's not flooded all the time. That's what makes it an island and not a reef.) So if they had bombed the tunnels, the tunnels would have filled up with water. It's not like the water would have gushed up and drowned Robert De Niro or anything. Plus, it's a lot of trouble to go through when everyone knows that if you want Manhattan flooded, all you have to do is fill your gas tank, sit back, and wait for global warming to do the trick. Honestly, terrorists like these just make us all look bad.
SUNDAY, JULY 9 We don't know how you feel about twins, but we think they're fucking scary. You never know which one you're talking to, they communicate via hive mind, and they can make walls bleed. Plus, you'll probably be interested in knowing that they have taken over Poland. President Lech Kaczynski announced today that he is going to appoint his twin brother Jaroslav as prime minister. The previous prime minister—a physicist who not only knows how to flood Manhattan, but was hugely popular with the public and a moderate voice in the conservative government—resigned on Saturday. He didn't say why, but according to the New York Times, the Kaczynski brothers have been trying to "increase their grip on the fragile governing coalition" and most likely forced him out on his keyster. Do these guys sound like Bond villains, or what? Mark our words. Today, Poland. Tomorrow, France. And if they team up with the Olsen girls, we're doomed.