MONDAY, JULY 10 From deep within the putrid bowels of Hollyweird, here comes the latest gossipy gab courtesy of One Day at a Time! News flash! Leggy supermodel Naomi Campbell just can't seem to stop beating the help. Look. We know it's annoying when they misfold a towel, or put too much salt in the gazpacho. But you may be going a weeeeee bit too far when your assistant claims you (1) spat in her face, (2) drew blood by hitting her in the head with your Blackberry, and (3) flung her passport into a pool. (Other people have to swim there too, Naomi!) According to former personal assistant Amanda Brack, Campell opened up a can of supermodel whup-ass on her at least four times during a six-month period last year. (A personal best! Congrats, Naomi!) "There were [also] tons of verbal barrages, over-the-top screaming and curses," said Brack's lawyer. And though it may be easy to forgive Naomi (it's those adorable dimples!), the straw that broke the domestically abused camel's back was when Naomi saw Brack wearing a new sweater—and ripped it off her, claiming she must be stealing in order to afford such fancy clothing. Okay... look. Now, Naomi may have lost her temper a time or two in the past, but we actually believe her when she says she's working on her anger prob... wait. Hold on, this just in from the news wire. "Naomi Campbell Smashes Up Lover's Yacht; Didn't Like Appetizers." Oh, boy. According to Britain's The Sun, Naomi has been at it AGAIN, this time causing $55,000 worth of damage to her boyfriend's yacht—because she didn't like the chef's food. Apparently, she had asked the chef to prepare a memorable, romantic meal for herself and boy toy/Dubai-born prince Badr Jafar. But when the chef's appetizers "failed to impress," the two had words, resulting in Naomi throwing antiques, light fixtures, china plates and glasses, and ripping up curtains and cushions all over the ship. Okay, we'll admit Naomi went a bit too far this time... but she did have very kind words for the dessert!
TUESDAY, JULY 11 New gruesome footage was released this week, filmed by al-Qaida militants, that showed two American soldiers who were tortured and beheaded. No excuse for this type of violence? According to the militants, they were acting in retaliation for the rape and murder of a local 14-year-old girl, allegedly by a US soldier. The girl, her parents, and six-year-old sister were also murdered. Steven Green, 21, of the Kentucky-based 101st Airborne is being charged with the grisly crime, as well as other members of his regiment who refused to report it. Since the rape and murder spree, Iraqi outrage has been mounting—with many claiming that American forces "can kill with impunity"—yet, when President Bush spoke out about the horrific crime, the lawyer for Green tried to place a gag order on any government official commenting on the case. The motion filed by attorney Scott Wendelsdorf claimed there was no way his client could receive a fair trial. According to Wendelsdorf: "Strong and inflammatory opinion is rampant, including the president in a nationally televised interview deeming the alleged conduct of the defendant to be a 'despicable crime' and opining that he was 'staining the image, the honorable image of the United States military." See? Even the president can be right sometimes. And sometimes, lawyers are the most fucking despicable people in the world.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 12 Remember when that French soccer team lost the World Cup to that Italian team? And it was mostly because that one French guy head butted that one Italian guy in the chest? And everybody was like, "WOW, that was a really stupid thing to do, and I wonder what that Italian guy said to the French guy to warrant such a response?" Well, today the French guy spoke out in a press conference, claiming he did not regret his actions because "He [the Italian guy] pronounced very tough words about my mother and my sister. I tried not to listen, but he kept repeating them." However, the French guy refused to repeat exactly what was said. Thankfully, the One Day at a Time Super-Sensitive Snoop-o-Meter was on hand that day, and we actually picked up what the Italian guy said to make the French guy so mad: "Your momma's so fat, when she sat on a quarter, a booger came out of George Washington's nose. Oh, and your sister's so fat she wears a VCR for a beeper."
THURSDAY, JULY 13 A US military helicopter allegedly crashed while trying to catch a glimpse of actress Kate Hudson in her bikini. Kate was wearing the black bikini, high heels, and diamond necklace while shooting a scene for the absolutely abysmal film You, Me and Dupree, when the chopper flew in low over the set and crashed yards away. Scott Wendelsdorf, attorney for accused Marine rapist Steven Green, immediately filed for a gag order, which would bar Kate Hudson from ever prancing around in a bikini again. This, we agree with.
FRIDAY, JULY 14 A photograph of Princess Diana dying in the wreckage of her car has been published in an Italian newspaper. Diana's sons released a statement saying they were "deeply saddened" by the photograph's public display. (They are also deeply saddened by Britney Spears' weight gain and England's poor performance at the World Cup—but especially deeply saddened by the image of their bloody, mangled mother.) The newspaper's defense? It just published the photograph as part of a story about how a weekly magazine called Chi was publishing the picture, and Chi says they were just publishing the picture as part of a story about how it was going to be appearing in a book, Lady Diana: The Criminal Investigation, by French crime writer Jean-Michel Caradec'h. See? They were just covering stories. What are these princes whining about?
SATURDAY, JULY 15 Everyone knows that George Bush hates black people. He was the first president in 80 years to go a full term without speaking at an NAACP convention. And then he topped himself—snubbing the organization five years in a row. But today the New York Times reported that Bush has tentatively agreed to speak to the NAACP on the final day of the convention. The NYT got so excited they called the White House to gab about it, but the White House refused to comment. The NAACP should have sent Bush an Evite. Then they could at least see if he's viewed it, and then check back every day to see if he's responded. And if he hadn't responded, you could send him email reminders. Every day. Plus, he could see who else is coming—because what if he showed up to the NAACP convention and black people were there?
SUNDAY, JULY 16 As conflict erupts in the Middle East, another international situation is brewing. Slutty UK fashion plate Sienna Miller is sexing up her American male co-star. Again. The girl-who-can't-get-enough has recently been spotted being "caressed" on the face by her Camille co-star James Franco during a showing of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. It wasn't even an evening show, people! It was a matinee! Totally inappropriate. They were also seen by chatty on-set sources dancing and kissing after enjoying a concert together. Then they were photographed on their way to watch the World Cup final. Together. Jude Law. Daniel Craig. Hayden Christensen. Now James Franco? We used to like Sienna. But we're officially through defending her romantic Tourette's. She doesn't even have real hair. She cut it all off to play Edie Sedgwick in Factory Girl. And now we're supposed to believe it's below her shoulders again? We're not STUPID, Sienna. Hair doesn't grow that fast!