MONDAY, JULY 24 It's time to play America's favorite new game, "Is This Celebrity a Fucking Liar?" Today's subject: teen queen Lindsay Lohan! (Applause.) According to Lindy's P.R. flack Leslie Sloane-Zelnick (the hardest working woman in celebrity cover-ups), Lindsay collapsed from heat exhaustion today on the set of her new film, Georgia Rule. After getting a vitamin B-12 shot and a good night's sleep, she was once again feeling right as rain. However, Lindsay's exhaustion may have had a little help from her old friend "incessant partying." According to TMZ.com, Lindsay was spotted on the town whooping it up the night before her collapse—and was seen partying AGAIN the night after leaving the hospital! (Maybe she's one of those people who can sleep on their feet?) So here's the question: IS SHE A FUCKING LIAR? Well, apparently one person thinks she is—Morgan Creek studio head honcho, James Robinson, who sent Lindsay a VERY nasty note that cut directly to the point: "To date, your actions on Georgia Rule have been discourteous, irresponsible and unprofessional. You have acted like a spoiled child...." Robinson then claimed that Lindsay's actions had caused the production "hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage" (!!) and that he was "well aware" that her "ongoing heavy all night heavy partying" was the reason behind her "so-called exhaustion." The 70-year-old Robinson closed with "We refuse to accept bogus excuses for your behavior" (Note adorable inclusion of the word "bogus." He's such a hipster!), warning Lindsay to straighten up or hit the road. How did Lindsay respond to this threatening letter? She did what any of us would do: She hit the town and partied all night. She may be a liar, but that girl has got BALLS.
TUESDAY, JULY 25 Okay, this is just creepy. You've heard of Madame Tussauds, right? The museum that displays wax replicas of Hollywood celebrities? Well, guess who they just included on their waxy roster: Brangelina's offspring, Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. The museum proudly announced that Shiloh—who they called "the world's most famous baby"— will be displayed in an "African-themed nursery" with equally creepy parents Brad and Angelina hovering above. Notably missing from the tableau are waxen versions of Shiloh's brother and sister, as well as a sobbing Jennifer Aniston. MEANWHILE... Clearly insane sexbomb Pamela Anderson has not only agreed to marry scary skank Kid Rock—she's doing it four times! In order to fulfill family obligations, Pammy and Kid are getting hitched in four separate locations over the next month: St. Tropez, California, Michigan, and Tennessee. While most brides are driven to the brink by ONE ceremony, Pammy has devised a method to deal with the stress brought on by four weddings. She says, "I have two words for you: champagne." Umm... actually, Pammy, "champagne" is just... Oh, never mind.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 26 And though Pammy and Kid Rock will be getting FOUR weddings, gays and lesbians in Washington State will be getting ZERO. (Hardly seems fair, does it?) Today the state's incredibly chickenshit supreme court ruled to uphold Washington's ban on same-sex marriage. However, don't get them wrong! The members stressed they were ruling on the constitutionality of the law, not on the issue of gay marriage itself. So basically, a law can be overtly discriminatory and illegal—and that's a-ok by the Supreme Court. Now, what's their purpose for existence again? MEANWHILE... Mere hours after Washington kicked the legs out from underneath gays and lesbians across the country, Lance Bass from the defunct boy band 'N Sync came bursting out of the closet! To the surprise of... ummm... NO ONE, Lance announced to People magazine that he is gay and happily hooked up with Amazing Race winner Reichen Lehmkuhl. Why announce it now? Says Lance, "The main reason I wanted to speak my mind was that (the rumors) really were starting to affect my daily life." Wait. Was there a rumor going around that he was straight?
THURSDAY, JULY 27 Check out the poor little rich girl! According to Us Magazine, actress Tori Spelling is getting stiffed by her dead pop, Aaron Spelling! Sources tell the magazine that Aaron (whose estimated worth hovers somewhere around $500 million) has only left Tori with a paltry $800 THOUSAND. That's like... what? Maybe 20 mani/pedi's on Rodeo Drive. Even worse? Her step-mom's interior decorator is getting the same amount of money! That's like totally insulting! What about all those years she spent kissing Brian Austin Green on 90210? That alone should be worth two mill!
FRIDAY, JULY 28 The son of 104-year-old ex-socialite and retired philanthropist Brooke Astor is in big trouble for elder abuse. He has been accused of replacing Brooke Astor's expensive face cream with Vaseline, employing a sub-par personal chef, and refusing to supply his elderly mother with no-slip socks. The barbarian! We're just hopeful that this case will shed light on similar abuses across the country. Every day, defenseless old people are being forced to live on the Upper East Side, getting fed mashed peas instead of cordon blue chicken. It makes us SICK to even think about it. Someone should just put a bullet in her head and put her out of her misery.
SATURDAY, JULY 29 Here's a tip. If you're pulled over in your vehicle by a cop, do not demand to know if that cop is a Jew. It could be perceived as anti-Semitic. Director/actor Mel Gibson was arrested for driving under the influence (he was doing 87 mph in a 45 mph zone) in Malibu, and wow! Is he a Jew-hating drunk! And the mouth on that guy! According to TMZ.com, Gibson told the arresting deputy that Jews were responsible for all the world's wars, asked him if he was a Jew, and then told him, "You motherfucker. I'm going to fuck you." (And not in the way where you get cuddled afterwards.) The officer's report also stated Gibson said he "owns Malibu" and threatened to spend all of his money to "get even" with the deputy. Nail him to a cross, Mel! Film it! You'll get rich all over again! Gibson, a longtime member of AA, had a blood alcohol level of .12, which is drunk—but in no way drunk enough for the kind of shit he was pulling. For instance, it is not drunk enough to yell, as Mel did: "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?" at a female sergeant. It is drunk enough to attempt to urinate in your holding cell, as Mel did. Gibson is said to be consulting with medical, legal, and spiritual advisors. We suspect there may be a few overwhelmed publicists in the mix, too.
SUNDAY, JULY 30 More news about the Jew-hating drunk! Mel reportedly told the arresting deputy that he was heading to his brother's house. (It was 2 am—it's so nice to see brothers who are fine with middle-of-the-night drop-bys.) When the deputy questioned the open bottle of tequila in a brown paper bag, Mel told him he wasn't his, but that he'd "had a little bit." What kind of jackass drives 40 miles over the speed limit with an open bottle of booze in the car? One who routinely gets away with it! About three years ago, Mel was pulled over going 74 miles per hour on the Pacific Coast Highway (the speed limit is 45)—yet the deputy let him off, even though he suspected that the Jew-hating drunk was inebriated. Then, about a year ago, Mel was caught driving 64 miles an hour on the same stretch of road. He jabbered on his cell phone the entire time he was detained—and AGAIN the deputy let him off without giving him a citation. (Maybe those cops didn't look Jewish.)