MONDAY, AUGUST 15
It was a very exciting weekend for Tinselturd gals, their relationships, and especially their ovaries! First, it was babies galore for Hollyweird hottie Jessica Alba and New York smarty Tina Fey, each of whom gave birth to gurgling baby girls and then proceeded to give them dumb names. Alba called her newest spawn "Haven Garner Warren" (all great names... if you're a prep school), while Fey is naming her kid "Penelope Athena Richmond" which is adorable now, and will cause her poor child no end of anguish as soon as she turns 13. Think, white people! THINK!! MEANWHILE... Remember Hilary Duff? Played Lizzie in your former fave teen Disney show Lizzie McGuire? Well, now she's 23 years old and PREGNANT. In a related story, YOU'RE OLD. MEANWHILE... American Pie star and former gossip pages regular Tara Reid revealed she got engaged AND married this weekend while on vacation in Greece to somebody named Zack Kehayov—who, we must admit, sounds both swarthy and handsome. Congratulations on what will surely be at least another 48 hours of happiness. MEANWHILE... In another story about soon-to-be-loveless wedlock, the wedding of that awful bitch Kim Kardashian isn't even until Saturday, and she's already acting like an ogre to her guests—by telling them what to wear! The Huffington Post reports that all of Kardashian's wedding guests are required to dress in either black or white—no exceptions. "If I know [that stanky creep Kardashian (our words, not hers)]," an insider says, "she will wear red or some color so she pops against everyone else who will be in black or white." Oh, Kim, Kim, Kim. That's so totally unnecessary! You always stand out in crowd—we just look for the lumbering, knife-faced monster that stinks of yeast infection.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 16
In other fashion/monster news, Abercrombie & Fitch—the clothing store best known for being added to the "Sweatshop Hall of Shame" in 2010, producing sexist and racist T-shirts, and selling us a polo with a stain in the armpit—offered "substantial payment" today to Jersey Shore's Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino if he would STOP wearing their attire on the show. "We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino's association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image," A&F sniffed in a statement. "We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast." Oh, really? Well, as it turns out, insiders close to "The Situation" say the reality star was never even approached by the company. Even better, one day after the announcement, A&F's stocks fell by a whopping nine percent, signaling that this failed attempt at a PR stunt fell flat on its face. Sorrentino twatted in response, "Looks like Abercrombie got themself into a... Situation!" (UGH. You know, all this story needs is Kim Kardashian—just to make it a wee bit slimier.)
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 17
Late-night gab-show host David Letterman has obviously rubbed at least one fundamentalist Islamic terrorist the wrong way: An "internet jihadist" has called for the death of Letterman after he made a joke about slain Al Qaeda leader Ilyas Kashmiri, as well as former terrorist boss man Osama bin Laden. For Letterman's blasphemy, the rant suggested that followers "cut the tongue of the lowly Jew and shut it forever." Note to the internet jihadist, probably living in his mother's basement: Do your research, sport! Letterman isn't Jewish. Secondly, if you're looking for someone to wage a jihad against, how about the guy who invented the Osama bin Laden urinal cake? MEANWHILE... Speaking of urine, what's with all the people urinating on airplane floors lately? Last week on a flight out of Oregon, a drunken man peed all over a sleeping 11-year-old girl. This week, former loveable French actor Gérard Depardieu allegedly wizzed his way into trouble on an Air France flight after begging to be allowed to go to "le toilet" and, upon being refused, peed on the floor. The plane was forced to return to the gate, where Depardieu was escorted off, and taken to a holding area where he was kissed on both cheeks and declared a national hero for making the plane smell better. (Do the French ever call for a jihad? Just curious.)
THURSDAY, AUGUST 18
Ladies and gentlemen: One Day at a Time stories don't get much better than this, so hold on to your hats. According to an article from the Morton Report, the universally despised Gwyneth Paltrow actually saved someone from dying in the 9/11 attacks—by almost running over the person with her car. (Well, that's one way of doing it!) Near victim Lara Lundstrom Clarke claims she was late for her job at the Twin Towers, and jaywalked to get to the subway on time. That's when she says she heard the squealing of tires of a Mercedes SUV slamming on its brakes—and looked up to see the famous Gwyneth Paltrow behind the wheel! (We suspect that "squealing sound" may have actually been Gwyneth's singing voice.) Even though Paltrow graciously waved Clarke along, the woman still missed her train—and luckily, what turned out to be a very bad day at work. Today Clarke credits Paltrow for saving her life—and maybe she's right... but why do we feel like the terrorists have won?
FRIDAY, AUGUST 19
Ugh: Kim Kardashian will make almost $18 million for getting married, says the New York Post, presumably as the lead story in their "Worst News Ever" section. "The biggest payout will come from... a four-hour, two-part TV spectacular called Kim's Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event, which will air on E! in October," the Post explains, going on to explain that alongside "deeply discounted" million-dollar engagement rings and comped items like a $20,000 Vera Wang dress and a $15,000 wedding cake, People's coughing up $2.5 million for exclusive wedding pictures. So, ya'know, reminder: Even with unemployment and debt at heartbreaking levels, Kim Kardashian will live out her days in crass comfort and oblivious affluence, and we need a martini, and... hey, that reminds us! Isn't there a wedding this weekend?
SATURDAY, AUGUST 20
Today the world yawned as talentless reality harlot Kim Kardashian got married to mediocre basketball player Kris Humphries. By all accounts, it was a magical ceremony... provided you like deafening helicopters, jackass cameramen, tacky party favors (heart-shaped Krispy Kremes, anyone?), and drunken Lindsay Lohans. Oh, like you're surprised: LiLo "was drinking and partying hard" at the reception, an insider tells Radar Online. "I saw her order shots from the bar." (In related news, Radar points out that Lindsy-Linds is still on probation.) Elsewhere on the private estate in Montecito, California, D-listers like Ryan Seacrest and George Lopez shuffled around annoying people, geriatric musicians Earth, Wind, and Fire attempted to keep the party going (until, that is, some justifiably frustrated neighbors called the cops and brought the evening to a mercifully early end), and the 500 or so guests were forced to give up their cell phones before getting harassed. "There were 100 crew members everywhere," says one attendee, "and people kept complaining they almost got hit by five camera guys everywhere they went." The miffed source adds, "The helicopters were so loud nobody could hear the ceremony." (Naturally, Kardashian and Humphries refused to take the hint and insisted on wearing microphones to recite their vows.) All of which makes this next bit all the more bewildering: "Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries' weekend wedding was targeted by two crashers who tried to gain access to the reception," reports Digital Spy, adding that Kardashian's spokesperson "said the crashers... were stopped by security." Now, the only way anybody would voluntarily attend this wedding... is if they were the same sort of dimwitted jihadists who wanted to cut out Letterman's tongue. In which case, hey, at least they're picking better targets! (Confidential to "A.Q.": Pssst! KARDASHIAN AND WHAT'S-HIS-FACE ARE CURRENTLY HONEYMOONING IN EUROPE. Just saying.)
SUNDAY, AUGUST 21
"The Environmental Protection Agency is emerging as a favorite target of the Republican presidential candidates," reports the New York Times. Michele Bachmann has called the EPA the "job-killing organization of America," while Rick Perry still insists global warming is a "contrived phony mess." Meanwhile, Ron Paul wants environmental disputes only solved by states or courts, Mitt Romney opposes carbon dioxide regulations, and Herman Cain is off somewhere playing with his Pokémons. BUT WAIT... What the... what? Here's Republican candidate and former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman on This Week with Christiane Amanpour: "The minute that the Republican Party becomes the anti-science party, we have a huge problem. We lose a whole lot of people who would otherwise allow us to win the election in 2012. When we take a position that isn't willing to embrace evolution, when we take a position that basically runs counter to what 98 of 100 climate scientists have said... I think we find ourselves on the wrong side of science, and, therefore, in a losing position." Wait... huh? He continued, "I can't remember a time in our [party's] history where we actually were willing to... become a party that was antithetical to science. I'm not sure that's good for our future." Holy... huh? Look, we're as shocked as anyone to be saying this, but... whatever hippie's currently closest to Jon Huntsman? Go give him a hug. Just this once. Pretend he's a tree or something.