MONDAY, AUGUST 22
Welcome back, dears, to One Day at a Time, the world-famous column that features only the best news that Hollyweird has to offer... which isn't much. So let's go to New York! You might recall that last week, an "internet jihadist" threatened David Letterman—urging followers to "cut the tongue of the lowly Jew and shut it forever" (despite the somewhat relevant fact that, um, Dave isn't Jewish). On tonight's show, Letterman replied to that grammatically questionable threat, proving once again why he'll always be our gap-toothed king of late night. "Thank you so much for being here tonight!" Letterman began. "We have great audiences night in and night out, but tonight especially, it means a lot to me. Tonight, you people are more, to me, honestly, than an audience... you're more like a human shield." He continued, "I have a fatwa on me. And they say the guy that issued the fatwa is an internet jihadist, and I said, 'Well, heck, who says Obama isn't creating jobs?'" Dave then offered a brief but telling insight into the federal investigation of the threats. "The state department authorities are looking into this," Letterman told his viewers. "They're not taking this lightly. They're looking into it. They're questioning, they're interrogating, there's an electronic trail—but everybody knows it's Leno."
TUESDAY, AUGUST 23
Annnd... we're back in sunny ol' Tinselturd, where CAMELOT IS FALLING. Dethroned Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Will Smith and former celebrity Jada Pinkett Smith "have decided to separate," an insider has gushed to In Touch. The two have been married for 13 years (which... carry the one, divide the remainder... is roughly 65 million millennia in Hollyweird time), named two of their children after themselves (Willow and Jaden), and also look after Trey, Will's son from a previous marriage. The couple's also attempted to become kingmakers for the next generation, lining up that Karate Kid remake for Jaden and an Annie remake for Willow. But what could have caused all this trouble in paradise? Naturally, J.Lo! Well, sort of: "'For months,' an insider says, 'Will had been harboring suspicions that Jada had grown ''uncomfortably close'' to her Hawthorne co-star and their friend Marc Anthony, who was still married to superstar Jennifer Lopez,"' In Touch adds, noting that earlier this month, Smith decided to make "a surprise visit to his wife"—at which point his suspicious were confirmed. "He left crying," the source revealed. "He was very upset. He said Marc was with Jada." "Wait," 10-year-old Willow said when she was alerted of the massive emotional upheavals she would soon be forced to deal with at her tender age. "So Mommy and Daddy... and that weird-looking man... but... look, just tell me straight: Do I still get to be Annie, or what?"
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 24
"I just wanted to let you know that I think you're all the way beautiful. Not just pretty, but, you know, smart and kindhearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you, and we would have chubby little freckle-faced kids. We'd laugh all day long and go camping and play Yahtzee and tell ghost stories by the fire. And the sex? Every day for the rest of your life, you would thank God that I was the appropriate age for you. But I'm not. I'm 49. I have lines on my face, sometimes a little gray in my beard, and it takes me a little longer to pee than it used to. Those are the only discernable signs of aging I can find so far. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt. You're pretty special, and I wish you continued success and artistic fulfillment, but most of all, I wish you love and contentment. That is all." That was Jim Carrey, speaking—in an intensely disturbing whisper—as he leaned in close to a video camera and recorded a jarringly unsettling and utterly unsolicited video love letter to Emma Stone, which he then uploaded to the internet. Good luck sleeping tonight.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 25
"Yes, my msg to Emma Stone was a comedy routine and the funniest part is that everything i said is tru," Jim Carrey twatted today, somehow comforting absolutely no one. Later, he clarified. "People often ask me if i'm being funny or serious. The answer is 'YES'. ?;^]" God, we hate everything. MEANWHILE... Oh, for the love of... as if the past few days haven't been bad enough, Gwyneth Paltrow has decided to, yet again, make humanity look just a teensy bit worse. This time, she chastised a good Samaritan for giving her maid a ride. "After a friendly traveler gave Paltrow's housekeeper a lift from a bus stop to [Paltrow's summer home... in the Hamptons], the actress reprimanded the driver," Us reports. "Gwyneth was mad that the maid showed strangers where she lived," an insider told Us. "Gwyneth said, 'Please don't give my maid a ride again!" The only thing that could possibly make things worse is if Gwynnie started to sing—OH GOD, WE SPOKE TOO SOON. "More and more ladies are asking salons, sheepishly or not, for 'The Bachmann,'" says the Daily Mail, which notes that the hairstyle of terrifying presidential wannabe Michele Bachmann is being requested "across the US." "A lot of clients have asked for 'Sarah Palin hair' in the past four years, and now, it's the Bachmann," Andi Scarbrough of Byu-ty Hair Therapy in Los Angeles told the New York Daily News, leading Famine, one of the dreaded Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, to saddle his mighty steed and hoist one bony foot into a stirrup. "That's the sign we've been waitin' for, boys!" he screeched at his colleagues in a shrill scream that sounded like the agonized cries of countless doomed souls. "Won't be long now!"
FRIDAY, AUGUST 26
"I have always said that if there ever came a day when I could no longer meet my duties and expectations as Apple's CEO, I would be the first to let you know. Unfortunately, that day has come." So read a resignation letter tendered today by Steve Jobs, whose singular vision and obsessive control-freakery revolutionized all of our lives. While culture and technology pundits mourned the end of an era—and sent their best wishes to Jobs, who, for several years, has been dealing with serious health issues—TMZ.com immediately posted a worrisome picture of the 56-year-old Jobs looking emaciated, feeble, and confused. Keep it classy, TMZ. And nice work making sure that photo was available via your iPhone app. MEANWHILE... 370,000 residents of New York City were ordered to evacuate as the city braced itself for Hurricane Irene. "I'm not worried," 43-year-old maintenance supervisor Richie Gorman said of the mounting panic, which saw residents along the East Coast stocking up on supplies, boarding up windows, and fleeing to less horrifying climes. "That storm might be rough, but so long as I don't gotta watch Ace Ventura droolin' on that Easy A broad again, it ain't gonna be nothin'."
SATURDAY, AUGUST 27
"Hustlers move aside, so I'm tiptoein', to keep flowin'/I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan." So goes a charming bit of verse by rapper Pitbull in the song "Give Me Everything," which someone is a little peeved about! Lindsay "Litigious" Lohan (whom you might remember from such lawsuits as "Lilo v. E-Trade, when E-Trade had that ad featuring a baby who was named 'Lindsay' and was a 'milkaholic'") recently filed suit against Pitbull, claiming that Pitbull's "disparaging or defamatory statements... are designed to do irreparable harm to the plaintiff." Honey, trust us—we know it's a bit of a shock to hear oneself unexpectedly referred to in a rap song (let's just say that back in '91, a few lines in the Geto Boys' "Mind Playing Tricks on Me" brought up just a smidge of some past relationship drama). But when it comes to any "irreparable harm" you're blaming others for? Not a court in the land, sweetie. Not a court in the land.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 28
"Before striking New York, the storm left a path of wreckage that killed at least 16 people in six states, paralyzed most modes of transportation across the Northeast, and caused flooding in several states," the New York Times reported on Irene—which was demoted to "tropical storm" status, but still caused no small amount of damage. Naturally, a telethon was immediately organized to benefit the victims, and viewers responded by giving generous—ha! JK! No. Instead, MTV aired the Video Music Awards, which culminated in Beyoncé announcing her pregnancy in the worst way imaginable! "Following her performance of 'Love on Top,'" the Huffington Post reports, "Beyoncé told the crowd, 'I want you to feel the love that's growing inside me.' She then unbuttoned her coat and rubbed her belly." MEANWHILE... "Damn," Jim Carrey was heard to mutter from his Emma Stone shrine, where he'd arranged hundreds of candles, several varieties of baby oil, and a dozen or so meticulously arranged panties. "And here I was thinking I had the Creepiest Statement of the Week Award all tied up."