MONDAY, AUGUST 29
Excuse me, but did someone spike Hollyweird's "disgusting" with an extra dose of "disgusting" today? For example: Lindsay Lohan has been publicly flirting with (UGH!) Chris Brown. At last night's Video Music Awards, LiLo twatted "@ChrisBrown killed it. #MTVVMAs"— a reference to Brown's performance, rather than his failed attempt to murder former girlfriend Rihanna. Surprised that anyone still likes him, Brown retwatted the twat, which in turn inspired Lindsay to flirt "@chrisbrown wanna meet?"—because apparently it's no longer enough for Lindsay Lohan to beat herself up. MEANWHILE... Need more disgusting? How about this: Serial stupid person Michele Bachmann once again said something stupid this weekend. According to her, the reason the East Coast suffered from Hurricane Irene and an earthquake rocked Washington, DC, is because God is pissed that our politicians refuse to "rein in the spending." "I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians," Bachmann blathered almost incoherently. "We've had an earthquake; we've had a hurricane. He said, 'Are you going to start listening to me here?'" Reached for response, God countered, "I never said anything even remotely close to that. Michele Bachmann is a shameless opportunist, a liar, and someone needs to tell her I don't exist. Oh my Me! What an idiot!!" MEANWHILE... Happy birthday to Courtney Stodden—the former 16-year-old internet bombshell who ickily married 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchison—who turns an extremely mature 17 years old today. According to Radar Online, Doug surprised his teenage bride with a present from her favorite store: lingerie from Victoria's Secret. There are not enough "ewwwws" in the world to communicate how disgusting that is.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 30
It's a special day indeed when actor Steven Seagal makes the pages of One Day at a Time—and today's incident is a doozy! TMZ tells us he was shooting a sequence for his reality show Steven Seagal Lawman—where the former action star makes arrests with an Arizona sheriff's department—and participated in a raid of an alleged illegal cockfighting farm. Now while most law enforcement officers show up to a raid with guns and maybe a battering ram, this is Steven Seagal we're talking about! Accused cockfighter Jesus Sanchez Llovera claims that Seagal rammed the gate of his property with a TANK, alongside a "tactical operations unit" who made the arrest—but in the process? Someone—perhaps Seagal—shot and killed Llovera's 11-month-old puppy. (It's not mentioned in the article, but we'll take it as a given that the puppy was "adorable.") Llovera intends on suing Seagal, and is demanding $100,000 in damages and "a formal written apology" to his children "for the death of their 11-month-old puppy, a beloved family pet." Seagal has yet to respond to the charges—but only because he's too busy practicing Aikido submission holds on a basket of kittens. (Who are also, from what we are given to understand, "adorable.")
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 31
The TV show Dancing with the Stars announced their cast for this coming season, which ordinarily we wouldn't give two flips about. However, it is notable because they've chosen Chaz Bono, the now-grown child of Cher and Sonny Bono who also happens to be transgender—which we think is great, not only for the trans community, but also because it makes stupid Christians really maaaaaaad. Here's only one of many ridiculously dumb comments posted on the ABC message board: "ABC should be ashamed of theirselves [sic] for harassing mainstream Americans and Christains [sic]." (A) It should be "themselves," not "theirselves" and (B) if you're going to be an easily harassed Christian, the least you can do is learn how to spell "Christian." (That really harasses us mainstream gossup collumests!)
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 1
This week in Hollyweird warfare, actress Cameron Diaz really despises Jennifer Lopez! The two are working together on a soon-to-be-totally-forgettable romcom entitled What to Expect When You're Expecting, and according to an insider on the set, Cam thinks J.Lo "is a nightmare and gives movie stars a bad name." What are these crimes against Tinselturd humanity that Ms. Lo is said to have committed? The following: "Taking mini-breaks from the set to see her twins," and "demanding to eat at specific times—for example, at 10:15 am on the dot, she stops work and has an assistant run over to her with a small protein and veg-based meal. It's driving Cameron crazy!" You know what drives us crazy about Cameron Diaz? She breathes too much. MEANWHILE... Flirting with Chris Brown was worrisome enough—now Lindsay Lohan has defiled her body with yet another tattoo, which reads as follows: "Clear as crystal, sharp as a knife, I feel like I'm in the prime of my life." If that sounds familiar, it shouldn't—because it's a BILLY JOEL LYRIC (and familiarity with any Billy Joel lyric breeds contempt... from us). On one hand, it makes sense: Like Lindsay, Billy Joel has had a few run-ins with the bottle and the law. On the other hand, she couldn't have picked something more appropriate? Like maybe, "Uptown girl, she's been living in her white bread world"? (Or perhaps, "We didn't start the fire... crotch"?)
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 2
Having stepped out of the spotlight, Britney Spears is rarin' to get back in it—and what better way to do so than to squeeze out a few more ineptly raised rugrats? "The star has been feeling the urge to get preggers again," says the Sun, which adds that the Britta's talked her former manager/current fiancé, Jason Trawick, into going where only Kevin Federline has gone before. "She's always wanted a big family, but also wants to prove to herself and to her family she is a good mother," a source gushes to the Sun. "She wants another chance to put things right." For comment, we go to Spears' current children, five-year-old Sean Preston Federline (who you might remember from the "Seatbelts? What're Seatbelts?" saga of 2006) and four-year-old Jayden James Federline (who you might remember from the "Good God, The State Actually Decided Kevin Federline Was a Better Parent" custody saga of 2007). "Mommy happy she gets more babies!" Jayden said while eating some dirt. "Mommy says we Daddy's problem now," mumbled Sean. "She mess up first time and get in troub—" "Sweet, dudes!" Kevin Federline interrupted. "This means we can hang out, like, all the time! Ain't nobody better to get stoned and watch Yo Gabba Gabba! with than my little buds Shane and what's-his-face!" MEANWHILE... Teenybopper heartthrob Justin Bieber's been making the rounds with a baby of his own—a baby boa constrictor he's been keeping wrapped around his arm! When asked by Entertainment Weekly what his snake was named, Bieber giggled, "Johnson." Yes. You read that correctly: Justin Bieber named his snake "Johnson." So. Let's move on to Saturday, shall we?
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3
Last week we reported that Will Smith was driven to tears after discovering his wife Jada Pinkett Smith with J.Lo's former flame Marc Anthony. Now Marc's setting the record straight, claiming that alleged affairs—even ones that made the Fresh Prince weep—weren't to blame for his split with J.Lo, instead simply saying the marriage no longer "worked." Adds ABC News, "Dodging hounding questions about his pending divorce, Anthony has been taking motorcycle rides as often as possible to escape and spending time at his home in Long Island, 'Casa Marc Anthony.'" Yes, you read that correctly: Marc Anthony named his house "Casa Marc Anthony." Good god. You people. Sometimes we think Hollyweird should just pull a Britney Spears and start all over.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 4
"He's developed an angst and almost a protective cover, and now he fears being tried as a war criminal," Colonel Lawrence Wilkerson told ABC News about former Vice President Dick Cheney. Wilkerson—the former aide to Colin Powell, who Cheney recently slammed in his memoir—added that Cheney "wanted desperately to be president of the United States... and I think he got his dream. He was president for all practical purposes for the first term of the Bush administration." Right, right, sure... anyways, who can we talk to about getting this whole "war crimes" thing off the ground, huh? MEANWHILE... Guess who doesn't want to be president at the moment? Probably all-around disappointment Barack Obama, whose approval ratings just plummeted to an all-time low. "Obama's job approval rating has sunk to a low of 44 percent," reports MSNBC. "His handling of the economy stands at a low of 37 percent. And only 19 percent believe the country is headed in the right direction." "Obama is no longer the favorite to win reelection," says pollster Peter D. Hart. So, on the downside... four more years of a Republican administration doesn't sound so great. On the upside... Hey, if anybody thinks of an upside here, let us know, okay?