MONDAY, NOVEMBER 5 Strike! Strike! Strike! The Writers Guild of America announced today that unless the studios begin paying TV and film writers what they're worth (including a cut of DVD and internet dough) America could just forget about any new episodes of Ugly Betty. Hmmm... they really need to work on their threats. Regardless, Hollyweird is stepping out in droves to support the writers' strike, with such luminaries as Tina Fey, Steve Carrell, Jon Stewart, David Letterman, and more refusing to cross picket lines. However, there is one celeb who happily skipped across this taboo line... our old friend, Ellen "I Hate Puppies Even Though I'm a Lesbian" DeGeneres. After her recent run-in with a dog rescue shelter—inwhich she gave away an adopted pup because it was too "energetic"—DeGeneres is back in the news again as a strikebreaker. Though other talk show hosts are refusing to work until their writers get what they deserve, Ellen crossed the picket lines to do her show—spouting the lamest excuse ever. "I want to say I love my writers," Ellen lied to her studio audience. "In honor of them today, I'm not going to do a monologue [??!?]. I support them... I hope it works out soon. In the meantime, people [in her audience] have traveled across the country. They've made plans. I want to do everything I can to make your trip enjoyable and give you a show." Okay... let's break this down: Not performing a monologue isn't "honoring" anyone—it's simply giving us another reason to live. Secondly, anyone who would travel across the country to see an Ellen taping deserves every ounce of misery they will surely receive in life. Thirdly, for a lesbian, Ellen STINKS.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 6 If the following headline doesn't give you a tingle deep inside your nethers, then your nethers are in need of a serious adjustment: George Clooney and Fabio... GET INTO A FIGHT! Oh, sweet Jesus, the thrill of those words! Okay, here's how this perfect storm got started. The stunningly handsome George and beefy supermodel Fabio were dining separately at West Hollywood's Madeo, when one of Fab's friends began taking pictures. Thinking the photos were being snapped in honor of himself and gal pal Sarah Larson, George asked the photog to stop. His dander sufficiently raised, Fabio huffed over to George's table, haughtily informing him that, actually, the photos weren't intended for George, to which he added, "I thought you were a nice guy. STOP BEING A DIVA." All together now... OOOOOOH! Well! That's all it took for two of the most genetically perfect men in Hollyweird to get nose to nose—and George was getting close to giving the rock-hard Fabio a nasty shove when supposedly well-intentioned waiters broke up the near scuffle. BOOOOO, waiters!! While George remained silent about the affair, Fabio's manager told In Touch magazine, "George is lucky he didn't end up in the ER." (HAR! Get it? The ER?) Well, in George's defense we'd like to say that Fabio is lucky we can't believe it's not butter!
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 7 In an apparent bid to convince the world he isn't a racist with an awful haircut, Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman appeared on Fox News' Hannity & Colmes to explain why he dropped the "n-bomb" numerous times in a taped phone conversation with his son. As it turns out... he thought he was black?! "I now learned I'm not black at all," Dog whimpered. "I thought I was cool enough in the black world to be able to use that word as a brother to a brother. I'm not." Seems like there were another couple of clues Dog could've picked up on... such as black people don't really call their world "the black world." Another reason not to call people the n-word? He's white. And a big dumb racist.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 8 Get ready for a shock... the Britney Spears train wreck continues! Not only did Brit's #1 album get trounced by a new CD from old-timey band the Eagles—that was only sold online and in Wal-Mart (OUCH!)—but she also learned she has to foot much of the bill for ex-hubby Kevin Federline's divorce lawyer! So not only does professional layabout K.Fed get $20,000 a month in spousal support from Britney, Court Commish Scott Gordon has ruled that Spears must also pay $120,000 to Kev's lawyers. THAT SUCKS. It would also be nice if Brit could spend a little of that money for a divorce lawyer that didn't make her look like a lazy tramp. In today's custody hearing, when K.Fed's lawyer noted that Britney had missed eight out of 14 court-mandated drug tests, her lawyer argued that the tests were given far too early in the morning—8 am—and pop stars like Britney shouldn't be held to the same get-up-and-make-something-out-of-yourself regimen to which the rest of us adhere. Tell you what, Brit—fire your lawyer, and use the money to pay for K.Fed's lawyer. Then use the rest to buy some blow. That would be money well spent.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 9 Today President Bush finally saw some combat in Iraq. Aaaaaannd... well, yes, obviously, of course we're joking. Sort of. While stopping in to visit some wounded soldiers in Texas, Bush sat down and played some videogames with them, including one that "simulates a firefight in Baghdad." President Bush helped "shoot the bad guys," beamed White House spokesperson Dana Perino. Evidently, "irony" is a term that has not yet been defined in Perino's "Word-a-Day" calendar. MEANWHILE... But hey, things have got to be looking better for the Democrats, right? Well... no. Today Hillary Clinton was caught planting questions at a Q&A sesh in Iowa. "As a young person, I'm worried about the long-term effects of global warming," asked a concerned college student. "Well, you should be worried," replied Clinton. "You know, I find as I travel around Iowa that it's usually young people that ask me about global warming." Um... of course it is, Hil, because one of your campaign staffers told the aforementioned college student to ask the question. Hey, that reminds us—who else can't wait for the 2008 regime change? Once we get the Republicans outta Washington, things are really gonna change! Right? Right?
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 10 Today author Norman Mailer died at age 84—and while most of his obits reflected on his literary contributions, like his Pulitzer Prize-winning books The Executioner's Song and Armies of the Night, we here at One Day would like to remember some of Mailer's more charming quirks: That he was married six times, that he had nine children, that he stabbed his second wife with a penknife, that he ran for mayor of New York, and that his ego was roughly the size of Massachusetts. Oh, and also, he was also on that episode of Gilmore Girls! (Yes, really.) Meanwhile, screenwriters keep complaining that Hollywood isn't paying them enough for writing fine films like Fred Claus. Sigh. Fare thee well, Norman.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 11 $611.5 billion. That's how much the Iraq War will have cost if the Bush administration gets its current request for funding—which made boston.com start wondering what else $611 billion could have bought. Get ready to be depressed: Instead of a never-ending mess in Iraq, that money could have been spent to build 4,000 state-of-the-art high schools; provide 18 months' worth of free gas for every American; pay for 14 million years' worth of tuition, room, and board at Harvard; or take care of the simple act of feeding and educating the world's poor for seven years. Say, what's the exchange policy on wars? Any chance we can get a refund?