MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 5
"At the end of the day I have always seen the end of my relationships as a personal failure. There is nothing ever pretty is saying goodbye." This adorable broken English was uttered by Italian stunner Elisabetta Canalis, on the subject of her imploded relationship with the man we're destined to divorce Hubby Kip for and eventually wed, George Clooney. She added, "I have always seen cold and controlled men as the right ones for me." OH, HELL TO THE NO.ORG. You did not just give a backhand diss to our dreamboat Georgie! 'Cause bitch gonna be losing some hair extensions! IN OTHER DISTRESSING GEORGE CLOONEY NEWS... Do you recall how we laughed and laughed about the simply ridiculous notion that George could ever possibly fall for former WWE star Stacy Keibler (who, yes, he occasionally invites over to watch True Blood and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE)? Well, the most widely accepted rumor was that the pair had "cooled off"—except today a brand-new rumor popped up claiming the twosome are in fact "heating up"! Worse still, according to People, the pair is expected to do some non-related True Blood hooking up later this week before Georgie jets off for the Toronto International Film Fest. Look everybody, and especially George Clooney: He has absolutely zero interest in this towering blonde bimbo—because otherwise? Our universe collapses. (And in addition: Bitch gonna lose hair extensions.)
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6
We haven't heard much from Madonna in a while, and you're about to remember why, generally speaking, that's a very good thing. Remember how Madonna went from being a cool American to a stuck-up Brit? Not much has changed. At the Venice Film Festival, her Madgesty was promoting her poorly regarded movie W.E., when a male fan presented her with a bouquet of hydrangeas. She returned a tight smile, immediately tossed the flowers under the desk, and quipped into a live mic, "I absolutely loathe hydrangeas. He obviously doesn't know that." NICE. Later, a French magazine asked how she felt about Lady Gaga, whose music often sounds frightfully familiar. "I have no comment on her obsessions related to me," Madonna allegedly replied, "because I do not know if it is based on something profound or superficial." Ohhh, well ooh-la-la, Ms. British Fancy Pantsy! Let's go to Madonna's rep Liz Rosenberg for the defense: "[Madonna] did not diss Gaga," Rosenberg said, adding, "The hydrangea incident is so ridiculous. It's not like she said she hated warm chocolate chip cookies and milk and little puppies!" You heard it here first, folks: Madonna eats little puppies with her cookies and milk!
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7
Today in unforgivable monsters: While out jogging, America's pointy-chinned sweetheart Reese Witherspoon was callously and unforgivably struck by an 84-year-old unforgivable driving monster. Thankfully for the universe and this unforgivable monster, who should be given the death penalty instead of simply receiving a citation for "failing to yield to a pedestrian in a crosswalk," the beloved Reese was not seriously injured and is "resting comfortably at home." Note to Reese: Get better soon, sweetie, and just a suggestion... this would be the perfect excuse to just slightly "dull the edge" on that sharp chin of yours. MEANWHILE... Speaking of people who have little to no regard for human life, tonight the GOP had their latest presidential candidate debate (otherwise known as the "Krazy Town Chitty Chat"). Mormon Mitt Romney and Texas hillbilly Rick Perry have emerged as the leaders in the race—although that's really not saying much. (In fact, it's like being the most reasonable person packed into a clown car.) The most astonishing/sad/pathetic anecdote from the night? When Texas Governor Perry proudly announced that his state had executed 234 people, the audience cheered wildly. We guess the GOP's deep respect for "the culture of life" (popularized by former President Bush) only extends to the unborn.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 8
No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No. Absolutely not. No. No, no, no—no, no. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This cannot be. Isn't happening. It can't happen. It won't happen. No way. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. According to Us Weekly, freakishly tall hag/man stealer Stacy Keibler flew to Toronto, and was spotted with dreamboat/should-rightfully-be-ours George Clooney tonight at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel. No. No. No. No. No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NOOOOOOO!!!!!
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 9
Okay, deep breath. Change the subject. Anyway! So we added this little page-turner to our Goodreads today: The True Story of Jessica Ann Simpson's 22-Month-Long Attempt to Seduce a Married Man—Her Very Active Super-Secret Sex Life: True Story Jessica Simpson Seduction of a Married Man (Vol. 1). A bargain at only $29.99 on Amazon (Powell's, believe it or not, didn't have a copy), the 30-page tome is written by Marce William Burchell, acclaimed biographer of... oh, wait. "An obsessed fan who has tried to contact Jessica Simpson for years has taken it to a whole new level—writing a book about their alleged affair... despite the fact that they've never met," according to TMZ. Naturally, TMZ reached out to Burchell, who seized the opportunity to write a 1,732-word-long response, explaining his book "was written as my only way to heal emotionally from the severe trauma and pain she put me through by her heartless cruel treatment of me." Burchell also added that he'd like to challenge Simpson's fiancé, Eric Johnson, to a marathon, with the winner getting to marry Jess. Not only does that sound perfectly reasonable to us—we'll shoot the starter pistol!—but judging solely on the title? Burchell's book looks to be at least as well written as Twilight.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 10
"In my district, the enthusiasm for him has mostly evaporated. There is tremendous discontent with his direction," Oregon Representative Peter DeFazio told the New York Times today regarding Barack Obama. DeFazio was one of several Democrats interviewed by the Times for a piece that noted a number of Obama's ostensible supporters are "expressing growing alarm about President Obama's reelection prospects." In an era in which the Times also brings us the cheery news that "46.2 million people [are] in poverty in the United States, the highest number in the 52 years the Census Bureau has been tracking it," Obama's embarrassing inability to turn things around—not to mention his subterranean approval ratings—could prove lethal to this reelection, and, more troublingly, a boon for the current batch of Tea Party-pandering simpletons (mentioned above) clawing at each other for the Republican nomination. OH, ALSO? On the eve of the 10th anniversary of 9/11, law enforcement officers in New York and Washington battened down the hatches and ratcheted up security, worried about another possible terror strike. So. Yep. Everything's going great.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 11
There's even more bad news today, dears, so let's get to it: FIRST! Noted misogynist and anti-Semite Mel Gibson "is developing a film for Warner Bros. about the life of Judah Maccabee, the warrior whose ancient victory is celebrated by Hanukkah." Rather than comment on this story now, let's just wait until the next time Gibson gets pulled over for drunken driving... at which point we imagine he'll have plenty to say. SECOND! Jennifer Lopez—who just barely split with her weird-looking hubby Marc Anthony—went on a date with Hangover star Bradley Cooper last night! That is possibly the most boring news ever, and thus a horrible omen. THIRD! While threats of another terrorist attack never came to fruition, that didn't stop the Air Force from panicking. "Fighter jets were scrambled to escort two commercial flights into New York City and Detroit 'out of an abundance of caution' after crews reported suspicious activity" onboard, says the AP. One of those "suspicious" flights that had an armed, ready-to-fire jet following it? A Frontier Airlines flight from Denver to Detroit, upon which "the crew reported that two people were spending 'an extraordinarily long time' in a bathroom." Hubby Kip and I would like to apologize for the disruption, and, in the spirit of full cooperation, will surrender our Mile High Club membership cards immediately. (It wasn't even that good, anyway.) FOURTH! The worst news of all brings a pang to our heart so strong we can barely type the following words: George Clooney and Stacy Keibler have taken their long-rumored romance public, with our darling, poor George bringing that painted-up hulking hussy of a whore to the premiere of his film The Ides of March. On the red carpet, the sycophantic spazzes of People got the horrifying scoop: "Stacy Keibler could sum up what she likes about George Clooney in one word. 'Everything!'" 9/11: Always and forever, a day of tragedy.