MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 12
As quickly alluded to last week, aging kitty-cat Jennifer Lopez and hunky cross-eyed person Bradley Cooper were spotted in semi-canoodle mode over the weekend at a romantic NYC restaurant. So are they a thing? "YES!" squeals the New York Post, whose sketchy sources insist that the two were this close to wrapping their tongues around each other's tonsils. "NO!" yelps the stars' reps, who insist it was "for business regarding a project." Could this mysterious "project" involve the conceiving of cross-eyed, bubble-butt babies? "PLEASE GOD, NO!!!" cry those of us who support eugenics only under the most extreme conditions. MEANWHILE... Speaking of "PLEASE GOD, NO!!!" here's a headline no one wants to read: "Kate Gosselin Vows She'll Be Back on TV." The fired, teeth-grating star of Kate Plus 8 was interviewed by poor Matt Lauer today, and she took every possible opportunity to remind viewers that, with god as her witness, she WILL return to television. Why? Because she's incredibly concerned for her "devastated fans" who, she opined, "must feel like they're losing their favorite next-door neighbor." A neighbor who has eight screaming kids... and incessantly bickers with her deadbeat ex-hubby... and has an ill-fitting hairstyle, a voice that could cut glass, and will never, ever go away no matter what you do. "Devastated" isn't exactly the word we would choose.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13
In yet another jubilant day for the internet—Hubby Kip! Stop... dancing!!—a phone hacker has leaked several nude photos of Scarlett Johansson. Honestly, these pictures aren't very arousing, and only depict a single breast, a bare bottom, and... Hubby Kip! Stop... dancing!! (UGH! I hate him so much.) Anyway, these hackers hacked the wrong overrated sexpot's phone, because now the FBI is on the case, while ScarJo's legal team is trying to wipe all evidence of the pictures off the internet with the following warning to any website that dares republish the pics. "Remove the stolen copyright-protected photographs immediately," the legal letter said. "If you fail to comply, you will be acting at your own peril. The highly personal and private photographs at issue capture our client self-posing in her own home in a state of undress and/or topless." Wow, they sound really angry, and... Hubby Kip! For the last time: Stop... dancing!!
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14
Here a hack, there a hack, everywhere a hack-hack! Today's hack was aimed at the cell phone of hottie starlet Mila Kunis, which... calm down, Hubby Kip... did not produce ANY naked pictures of the actress. ON THE OTHER HAND, the leaked photos did depict two shirtless pictures of luscious hunk of man-meat Justin Timberlake, as well as a photo of a mystery penis attached to an unidentifiable male. [Hear that sound, Hubby Kip? That's us dancing.] MEANWHILE... BTW, if you happen to hear hooves stamping in fury, that's not us—it's formerly hot-to-trot Jennifer Aniston kicking the sides of her stall in anger over a Parade magazine interview with former hubby Brad Pitt. Describing his "pathetic" life before meeting current lover Angelina Jolie, Pitt says he spent much of the '90s "sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out." Shut up now, Brad! But of course he didn't, adding, "I think my marriage [to Aniston] had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn't." Oh, helllllllllll no. He did not just say that! Because if he did, there's not going to be a barn in the world that can contain the flailing hooves of a Jennifer Aniston scorned! Which is why a furiously backpedaling Brad issued the following clarification: "It grieves me that [my statement clearly calling my marriage to Jen a sham] was interpreted this way. The point I was trying to make is not that Jen was dull, but that I was becoming dull to myself." Uh-huh. Right. We hope you have a good proctologist, Brad, because in about 10 minutes you'll be needing a horseshoe removed from your ass.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15
Here's a headline that should stop Hubby Kip's dancing for a moment: "Gordon Ramsay's Dwarf Porn Double Found Dead in a Badger Den." This is going to take a bit of unpacking, so bear with us. Chef Gordon Ramsay is the host of TV's Hell's Kitchen. In England, there's a dwarf named Percy Foster who looks remarkably like Ramsay (except for, you know, the dwarfism) who also happens to star in X-rated movies such as Hi-Ho Hi-Ho, It's Up Your Arse We Go. English tabloid the Sunday Sport reports that the tiny actor was found dead "deep in an underground chamber by Ministry of Agriculture experts ahead of a planned badger-gassing program near Tregaron, West Wales." It's unknown at this point whether Percy's death was a result of suicide or foul play, though adult film producer Dexter Yamunkeh had this to say: "Percy was a little guy with big problems. He was doing well but was under pressure like everyone else in this goddamn industry." Okay, so this entire story sounds like standard British tabloid bullshit to us—but you know what? Hubby Kip has stopped dancing and is busily searching for Hi-Ho Hi-Ho on the Adult Film Database. So sometimes a lie is worth it.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 16
"It was two in the morning. I was living in Orange County at the time and was asleep with my wife. My two-year-old at the time was in another room. I opened my eyes and there was a naked man wearing my leather jacket eating a Fudgesicle in front of my bed." Nicolas Cage said that in a recent interview, and no, we will not be explaining it any further.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17
Sarah Palin has dabbled in cocaine use and carried on an extramarital affair with her husband Todd's business partner, Brad Hanson, according to an explosive tell-all book," Radar reports. The tome in question—The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin, by Joe McGinniss—is apparently chockfull of even more luridness about America's favorite rightwing schoolmarm! Radar continues, "Just one year before she eloped with Todd, Sarah enjoyed a steamy interracial one-night stand with 6' 8" basketball great Glen Rice.... The book also charges that before she became Alaska governor, both Sarah and Todd dabbled in cocaine use and claims she was once seen snorting the drug off an overturned 55-gallon oil drum while snowmobiling." So okay, sure—Sarah Palin's politics are totes repugnant, but... maybe she's a lot more fun than we've been led to believe? MEANWHILE... And so it came to pass that an ignorant fear of an important vaccine grew to define the increasingly pathetic Republican race for president. Texas Governor Rick Perry, Michele "LOOK INTO MY EYES" Bachmann, and doomed wannabe Ron Paul have all waded into Perry's controversial 2007 decision to require young girls to be inoculated against the ridiculously common STD human papillomavirus, which can cause cancer. (And eww, warts!) Perry came under fire from Bachmann—who, without any scientific basis whatsoever, implied such inoculations cause mental retardation—and Paul, who insisted that preventing cancer "is not good medicine." Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you the best that the Republican Party has to offer.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 18
"I don't really know what happened," an "absolutely" sober Charlie Sheen insisted to Matt Lauer on Today. "It was one of those things where the planets were aligned, perfectly or imperfectly.... I said some stuff and it caught such traction globally and instantly that I couldn't really put out the fire." So... Sheen isn't crazy anymore? "I'm seeing my kids a lot more, mending fences with Denise [Richards] and Brooke [Mueller], just trying to move forward and prioritize what matters," the newly Zen D-lister continued. "I think that's where life is—y'know, it's in those quiet moments." He went on, "It's not the giant TV deal or the big party, or award, or whatever—it's the memory of your child's smile at the end of the day that brings that one lonesome tear, you know?" AND THEN... Last night at the Emmys, Sheen gave his best to his Two and a Half Men replacement, Ashton Kutcher, before opening up onstage. "I want to take a moment to get something off my chest and say a few words to everybody here from Two and a Half Men," he said, sending a ripple of terror through the crowd before pulling out an Uzi and—wait, what the eff? "From the bottom of my heart, I wish you nothing but the best for this upcoming season," he said. "We spent eight wonderful years together, and I know you will continue to make great television." SO LOOK. We don't have any idea what's happening here. Like the world's porn stars, we feel confused and betrayed by Sheen's bewildering actions. Somebody get him an overturned 55-gallon oil drum, STAT.