MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 19
Hear that furious whinnying, snorting, and something that sounds mysteriously like hooves kicking a barn door? No, it wasn't a lightning storm spooking the horses over at the Lazy K Ranch—it was the equinely visaged Jennifer Aniston rearing up on her hind legs in insane fury over ex-hubby Brad Pitt's comments to Parade magazine last week. As previously reported, Brad informed the mag that prior to hooking up with homewrecker Angelina Jolie, he "wasn't living an interesting life," and that he was "trying to pretend my marriage [to Jen] was something that it wasn't." Uh... oh! Well, as predicted, those words stung like a bumblebee attacking the flanks of Seabiscuit, and Team Aniston "went ballistic," according to a Pitt pal. "They got his team involved and Brad was read the riot act," the pal dished. Lo and behold, less than 24 hours later, a simpering "clarification" was issued to the press, insisting that Brad's words were misinterpreted, and that Jen "is an incredibly giving, loving, and hilarious woman." Hmf. Nice try, but not good enough, Brad. Jennifer is still angrier than the day she lost the Kentucky Derby. MEANWHILE... Let's check in on Lindsay Lohan—just to see if anything's new! Hmmm... says here that she's only completed 60 of her 480 hours of community service... she threw a drink into the face of a photographer at a Fashion Week party... was denied entry to Marc Jacobs' Fashion Week shindig, and later tried to sneak in before being booted out on her bony ass by security—much to the hilarity of onlookers Mischa Barton and Dakota Fanning... and later threw another drink into the face of a completely different photographer. So yeah: nothing new.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20
Another landmark day (and looooooong overdue, we might add) for gay rights: the 18-year-old Don't Ask, Don't Tell military policy has officially ended—and shock! The world didn't end, God didn't destroy the Pentagon with a volcano, and soldiers didn't suddenly throw down their rifles to engage in hot, soapy shower sex (our one bitter disappointment in this entire affair). In fact, Gen. Carter F. Ham—a co-director on repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell—said the overall effect was actually "pretty inconsequential." Rest assured, General, it was plenty consequential to the estimated tens of thousands gay and lesbian soldiers serving our country. Congrats to all, and we appreciate your continued service. (But can you maybe keep that idea about hot, soapy showers on the back burner?) MEANWHILE... Annoying social media abuser Ashton Kutcher also came out today... as the replacement for Charlie Sheen on the season premiere of Two and a Half Men. The good news? The buzz was strong enough to grab the show an impressive 27.7 million viewers. The bad news? We weren't one of them, and as they are fully aware, we are the only ones who count. More bad news? Ashton's new co-workers on the Two and a Half Men set think he's "a nice guy" and "okay" in his role, but "just not as funny as Charlie." The good news? They all still have a job! Annnnd Charlie is no longer leaving cocaine and herpes on the toilet seat.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21
We interrupt this week's One Day at a Time for yet another Breaking Brad Pitt Clarification: "That was never my intention for it to be spun that way," Brad said tonight at the opening of his new film Moneyball, regarding previous comments about his marriage to Jennifer Aniston, which subsequently made her kick down the doors to her stall, and forced a veterinarian to shoot her with a tranquilizer gun. "People read things into [the negative and crystal-clear comments said in that interview] that just weren't there." Uh-huh. This concludes today's Breaking Brad Pitt Clarification. (Collect all 25!)
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22
At tonight's Fox News/Google Debate, presidential wannabe and "frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that's sometimes the by-product of anal sex" Rick Santorum was asked by a gay soldier if he would ever "circumvent" the end of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. However, even before Santorum had a chance to spew any hateful rhetoric, the gay soldier—currently serving in Iraq, mind you!—was roundly booed by select members of the teabaggy audience. Congratulations, Tea Party! You're well on your way to making the Westboro Baptist Church look like "just a bunch of fun-loving, high-spirited kids." MEANWHILE... Here's yet another entry in the continuing saga of Brad Pitt's Clarification Corner from this morning's appearance on the Today show: "I don't know what [part of the interview] was pieced together or put together," Brad struggled to explain in yet another futile attempt to quench the unquenchable temper of Jennifer Aniston. "All I know is that my point was, the best thing I'd done as a father is be sure that my kids have a good mother." WHAT?? YOU'RE SAYING THAT JENNIFER ANISTON WOULDN'T MAKE A GOOD MOTHER?? "She... uh... you know," Brad stuttered while sweating and frantically backpedaling. "She... uh... there... there should be a statute of limitations on this." Perhaps, Brad—but gleefully for us, there's not. We eagerly await your future "clarifications."
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
"More than one in three young families with children were living in poverty last year," reports the New York Times. "Young families with children are now six times as likely to be poor as elderly families," Northeastern University economics professor Andrew Sum told the Times. "This is a major generational change. From a public policy standpoint, we should be very deeply troubled by this." Our solution, as ever, remains grinding up bluehairs into Soylent Green and feeding it to babies. Just think it over for a minute before you dismiss it out of hand, judgy. MEANWHILE... "I have an exit strategy," Marine recruiting trainer Master Sergeant Anthony Henry told the Times. "I know where my choke points are, I've strategically parked my car right on the curbside, I have an out." Sergeant Henry wasn't preparing for field operations, but rather a terrifying new challenge in the post-Don't Ask, Don't Tell era: recruiting gay Marines at the Dennis R. Neill Equality Center in Tulsa, Oklahoma. While the recruiting sesh didn't turn up any future Marines, a few curious parties did ask some questions about serving—and Sergeant Henry didn't have to make a panicked getaway to his strategically parked car. "My take is, if they can make it through our boot camp, which is the toughest boot camp in the world, then they ought to have the opportunity to wear the uniform," he later said. Well put, Sergeant. If we had a rainbow-colored medal, we'd be pinning it right on your chest.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
"I am not in a relationship," Kat Von D posted on her Facebook page today, devastating the dozens who have ambivalently watched her on-again, off-again, gross-again relationship with serial slimeball Jesse James. "I apologize for all the 'back and forth' if it's caused any confusion," Von D continued, before explaining to People, "My friend put it best when he said I could never be more deserving of total, noble love. And as a woman, I think it's important to know your value and never lose sight of that." Sure. Okay. Whatevs. MEANWHILE... Just when you thought TV couldn't get any worse than a shambling, reanimated zombie version of Two and a Half Men that keeps on coming even after its head has been blown off, there comes even worse news: CBS has ordered episodes of an untitled family comedy starring Rob Schneider. According to Deadline, the show "stars Schneider as 'Rob,' a confirmed bachelor who has just married into a tight-knit Mexican American family." We hereby predict some of Mr. Schneider's catchphrases will include: "¡Dios mio!" "¡Si, si, senorita!" "¡Me gusta nacho en la bibliotheca por favor!" and, possibly, "Hola, mi llamo Rob Schneider. ¿Te acuerdas de mí Judge Dredd?" IN RELATED NEWS... Arrested Development is still canceled, and no, there will never be a movie. Stop asking. Accept your fate.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
Speaking of accepting one's fate: R.I.P., Arch West. The 97-year-old former Frito-Lay marketing executive who invented Doritos passed away earlier this month, saddening a Doritos-obsessed nation. "We are tossing Doritos chips in before they put dirt over the urn," daughter Jana Hacker told the Dallas Morning News. "He'll love it." We're sure he will, Jana. We're sure he will. MEANWHILE... Hubby Kip would offer his condolences, but he's currently eating through his sadness. His crumbly, crunchy, Cool Ranch sadness.