SARAH PALIN Irrelevant.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 3
Get ready for a new slew of "EWWW!"—there are fresh icky deets about Ashton Kutcher's romp in the hot tub with semi-pro gold digger Sara Leal. Now, as we're sure you remember, horny Twatter-freak Ashy got the heave-ho from pointy-nosed grandma Demi Moore after she found out about his wild night at the San Diego Hard Rock Hotel where he "languished naked in a hot tub with four similarly bare young women," hollering, "Yo, where's the vodka at?" (Ending sentences with prepositions makes him even more disgusting.) Obviously that scenario was bad enough, and we could've happily continued our lives without hearing any further details—unfortunately, Star magazine spoke to an eyewitness at the party, so take two spoonfuls of Pepto-Bismol and listen to what she has to say. "Ashton and Sara [Leal] definitely boned," said subtle party gal Megan McNutt. "I felt Ashton and Sara were going to hook up because everyone was drunk. There was music. There was a hot tub. If there's a hot tub involved, there is going to be some action." Now before you say anything, Hubby Kip, this is the grossest thing we've ever heard, and NO, we are NOT getting a hot tub! Nor we will ever step into a hot tub again—be it private or public. (An Ashton Kutcher pube might be floating around. EWWW!!) MEANWHILE... Gossip Girl actress Blake Lively and dreamboaty Leonardo DiCaprio have up and gone SPLITZO according to Us Weekly. We're very happy about the death of this summer romance, because we were insanely jealous of their happiness, and therefore hated them. They were first spotted canoodling back in May aboard Steven Spielberg's yacht in Monte Carlo. (OH! Poor dears! How did they bear it??) Then they "embarked on a whirlwind, super-luxe summer romance that spanned the globe." (Ugh! That sounds worse than leukemia!) And in August, Lively even flew thousands of miles to Australia for a quick weekend of huggy, kissy romance... and... and... HUBBY KIP!! Put down the Cheetos, put on some pants, and stop scratching yourself down there! (Seeeeethe. We hate everything.)

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 4
Wow, celebrities really don't like being raped... and by "raped" they mean photographed. In the summer of 2010, Twilight lip-biter Kristen Stewart compared being photographed by the paparazzi to rape, and today in an interview with Vanity Fair, heart-throbbish Johnny Depp made a very similar comparison... involving photo shoots. "Well, you just feel like you're being raped somehow," Depp said about having his picture taken. "Raped... it feels like a kind of weird... just weird, man." Annnd here comes the public apology in three... two... one. "I am truly sorry for offending anyone in any way." Depp said in an almost instantaneous press release. "I understand there is no comparison, and I am very regretful." In a related story, "the environment" also apologized for claiming it has been raped by decades of rampant industrialization and development. "What happened to me wasn't technically rape," the environment said. "And I sincerely regret ever using that word." Coincidentally, "photography" also issued a statement today. "I appreciate Johnny Depp's clarification, as I most certainly did not 'rape' him," Photography clarified. "What we experienced together was totally consensual. And hot. And can we have a threesome with Kristen Stewart?"

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 5
One day after the public birth of his iPhone 4S, Apple's visionary co-founder Steve Jobs passed away after a prolonged battle with pancreatic cancer. A beloved innovator and cantankerous perfectionist who refused to suffer fools gladly, Jobs has left an indelible stamp on not only technology, but also how we communicate with each other. For example, the wildly homophobic Westboro Baptist Church—most famous for wielding signs that read "God hates fags" and picketing the funerals of hate crime victim Matthew Shepard and Matthew Snyder, a soldier killed in Iraq—has vowed via Twatter that they will also protest the funeral of Jobs. "No peace for man who served self, not God. #hellgreetedhim Westboro must picket funeral," the hateful church twatted... via their iPhone. If there's a tech heaven, Steve Jobs is up there having a very good laugh.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 6
Failed governor and presidential waffler Sarah Palin announced today she will NOT be running on the GOP ticket for president, and... THIS JUST IN. Nobody gives a shit. MEANWHILE... In Portland today an estimated 5,000 people joined the Occupy Portland movement in a successful attempt to make us look like an asshole. As you perhaps recall, last week we took on the rather controversial opinion that the Occupy Wall Street protesters were a bunch of "trustafarians" with ridiculous hats who "have yet to formalize any plans, inspire any changes, display a basic awareness of how the grown-up world works." We've changed our minds somewhat. Though many still sport wincing headgear, and their plans seem to share a "let's march over here, and then we'll march over there" quality, their message is no longer the confusing, stammering mess it was last week. As ex-Florida Democratic Representative Alan Grayson succinctly put it today on Real Time with Bill Maher, "Wall Street wrecked the economy three years ago, and they are not being held responsible for that. Not a single person has been indicted or convicted for destroying 20 percent of our national net worth accumulated over the course of two centuries. Wall Street has iron control over the economic policies of this country, and that one party is a wholly owned subsidiary of Wall Street and the other party caters to them as well." If that's what the Occupy movement believes, then that's what we believe, and you have our support. Now suggest some positive action for busy wage earners who want to affect change in ways other than camping in the rain—and we'll be on you faster than a naked George Clooney wrapped in a hotel bath towel. Oh, and also? George would never wear that hat.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 7
Allow us to coin a phrase: "Demorce!" It's what happens when Demi Moore gets divorced—as Bruce Willis learned long ago, and as Ashton Kutcher might be finding out soon. "Demi Moore has consulted a divorce lawyer after the failure of a last-ditch bid to save her marriage to Ashton Kutcher," the Daily Mail reports. That last-ditch bid, according to an "entertainment industry insider"? Kabbalah counseling sessions, which, shockingly, did jack and squat. "She is done with him," the source continues, adding that a lawyer has been consulted regarding Demi's "living arrangements and how a divorce [by which, of course, he means "Demorce"—Ann] would impact her assets." IN RELATED NEWS... Kutcher's paramour, Sara Leal, still hasn't talked—meaning it's still up for debate how, exactly, her assets were impacted.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 8
It's a big week for infidelity: Angel and Bones star David Boreanaz has finally started to talk about when he cheated on his wife with Rachel Uchitel last year. And he, um, doesn't sound all that sorry? Like, at all? Describing the affair as "a bonding experience, in the long run." Boreanaz went on to explain, "In a sacred ground like marriage, you find yourself out of it at certain times for reasons unknown that can be destructive. There could be a demon that kind of comes out and overtakes you." No, dear—that's what happened to Angel, the vampire character you played on TV. That's not what happens to real people. Well, non-douche real people, anyway. MEANWHILE... No, Hubby Kip, we cannot have a "bonding experience" with our marriage. Now go take out the garbage.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 9
Michigan woman Sarah Deming has filed suit against film distributors FilmDistrict, livid that they "promoted the film Drive as very similar to The Fast and the Furious." "Drive bore very little similarity to a chase or race action film," the gullible, half-witted Deming embarrassingly contends, sadly going on to note that, as an idiot, she found it dismaying that an art-house film from the director of Bronson and Valhalla Rising did not feature either Vin Diesel or NASCAR. In addition, Deming bewilderingly insists, "Drive was a motion picture that substantially contained extreme gratuitous dehumanizing racism directed against members of the Jewish faith, and thereby promoted criminal violence against members of the Jewish faith." Huh. As someone who's seen Drive four times and hasn't criminally violenced any Jewish person (yet), we're gonna write this off as one more symptom of the dumbening of America. HOWEVER... As someone who's seen Drive that many times entirely because of how exquisitely dreamy Ryan Gosling is, we're willing to reconsider our position from earlier this week: Yes, Hubby Kip, we can have a "bonding experience" with our marriage. As long as it's Gosling related.