MONDAY, OCTOBER 10
Ready to squeal with delight at the public disintegration of a Hollyweird marriage? Well, don't just sit there! Let's #occupygossip! Poor crone-faced Demi Moore and serial crabs-chaser Ashton Kutcher were caught in what is possibly the most humiliating situation anyone has ever experienced: photographed in front of a campfire at a Kabbalah marriage counseling campout! The two (dressed in appropriate homeless-person attire) were obvs trying a last-ditch effort to rebuild the smoldering ruins of their relationship, utterly destroyed by hubby Ashton's romp in an STD-infested hot tub with pretty party gal Sara Leal. Star reports that Ashy has been desperately begging Demi for forgiveness, and will do anything to prove his love—which we suppose includes a crackpot faux-Jewish Kabbalah campout. Mortified to have their pictures taken in such an unseemly position, the pair (and their counselor) dashed into a nearby tent to hide and share their s'mores of shame. (Waitasecond... are s'mores kosher?) MEANWHILE... Speaking of "shame": Do you have any of that stuff, George Clooney? Once again, you have been spotted with current gargantuan gal pal and former (UGH!) WWE wrestler Stacy Keibler—this time vacationing together in gorgeous, picturesque Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. A callous insider with absolutely no regard for our feelings had this to say to People magazine: "George is very sweet to Stacy. He gives her a lot of attention, and is always complimenting her." In response, cute/local/heartbroken gossip columnist Ann Romano had this to say: "Fuck them. Fuck them. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK THEM, AND FUCK EVERYTHING IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD!!" We'll continue to monitor this story as it evolves.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 11
In truly unfortunate news, pop star Rihanna inexplicably continues to forgive her ex-boyfriend and abuser Chris Brown. In an interview with Esquire, Rihanna had this to say about the man who beat her within an inch of her life, choked, and threatened to kill her. "It's incredible to see how he pulled out of it the way he did," she said. "Even when the world seemed like it was against him, you know? I've always been a fan. I had some resentment toward him for a while, for obvious reasons. But I've put that behind me. I'm really excited to see the breakthrough he's had in his career." IN AN EXTREMELY RELATED STORY... Woman-beater Chris Brown was spotted last week at the King of Diamonds strip club in Miami, where he dropped $5,000 in tips apiece on at least three strippers... who we bet were also "really excited" for the "breakthrough he's had in his career." And? He did not choke or threaten to murder a single one. Call Gloria Steinem... all is forgiven! MEANWHILE... Is Beyoncé faking her pregnancy? That's the hilarious rumor flying around the internet today after the mega-pop diva appeared on an Australian TV show, where her stomach allegedly folded in half. Now apparently, a normal, large pregnant stomach does not mysteriously fold up like a Taco Bell Gordito when the person is sitting down. That's why conspiracy theorists (who are practicing gynecologists, we're sure) are saying Miss B's baby bump is actually made out of foam (gasp!), and that she's hired a surrogate to carry her infant in order to protect her billion-dollar bootylicious body. IN A RELATED STORY... Just in case there's any confusion, we are not pregnant, and that actually is a Taco Bell Gordito in our tummy.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 12
It's the day we've all been waiting for: Sara Leal squeals! Us magazine has the exclusive—and delightfully icky—interview with the 22-year-old Texan party gal who slipped into the hot tub with Ashton Kutcher (whose salami slipped into Leal). As you recall, the debauchery went down at San Diego's Hard Rock Hotel on the six-year-anniversary of Kutcher's marriage to Demi Moore... let's pause for a frowny face... and continue! "He just came up and kissed me," Leal said of Ashton's amorous advances, which eventually led to their famous naked, microbe-filled hot-tub romp. At roughly 6 am, the pair retreated to the bedroom, where "he lost his towel and I took my robe off. Then we had sex." Let's pause for an EWWWW!!!... and continue! "He was good," Leal remembered. "It wasn't weird or perverted." Let's pause for another frowny face... and continue! Leal also confessed that Ashton did not wear a condom during the encounter... and... EWWWW!!! Let's continue. After the not-weird sex, Ashton pretended to take an interest in Leal's nonexistent brain, asking if the young Texan would vote for governor and GOP presidential wannabe Rick Perry. "I said I didn't know and he laughed," Leal responded. "He laughed at pretty much everything I said." Frowny face. Continue! The two then had sex again (EW! Continue!) and the Two and a Half Men star became allegedly "tender" saying, "I enjoy things like [shoving my penis into your vagina] because I'm an actor 90 percent of the time and it's fake. It's nice to have moments that are real." Frowny face! Eww! Frowny face! Eww! HELP! Frowny face and EWWWW overload!!
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 13
Naked justice has been served! The FBI today reported the arrest of 35-year-old Christopher Chaney of Jacksonville, Florida, for hacking into the email accounts of dozens of celebrities, stealing their nudie photos and distributing them across the internet. According to the feds, Chaney is allegedly responsible for invading the privacy of Christina Aguilera, Mila Kunis, and most famously, leaking the recent naked pictures of Scarlett Johansson. If convicted, Chaney faces up to 121 years in prison—which is much more than Hubby Kip got for storing Scarlett's photos on our home computer in his "Spank Bank" folder. Compared to Chaney's potential sentence, three weeks sleeping on the couch is a cakewalk.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 14
It's time for the Headline of the Week™, dears! "Man Throws Hot Dog at Tiger Woods, Blames Ryan Gosling," squawks Us, noting that at a recent golf game in San Martin, California, local man Brandon Kelly was arrested after... well, here: "I threw the hot dog toward Tiger Woods because I was inspired by the movie Drive," Kelly carefully explained to the Santa Rosa Press Democrat. "As soon as the movie ended, I thought to myself, 'I have to do something courageous and epic. I have to throw a hot dog on the green in front of Tiger.'" Woods later recounted how he saw the event. "When I looked up, the hot dog was already in the air... the bun was kind of disintegrating," the philanderer/golfer told the Associated Press. "Next thing I know, he laid on the ground and looked like he wanted to be arrested because he... put his hands behind his back and turned his head." Congrats, Mr. Kelly—truly, that was both courageous and epic. We're sure the makers of Drive are very proud. And confused.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15
"My initial passion in life was to be a rock 'n' roll musician," GOP presidential hopeful Jon Huntsman told students last spring at the University of South Carolina. "In my late teens, you wouldn't have recognized me. My hair was Rod Stewart shaggy. I wouldn't wear anything but super-skinny jeans. I ended up leaving high school a bit short to play with a band called Wizard. I thought it was my ticket to fame." Alas, since many of the Salt Lake City band's gigs were at youth dances put on by the Mormon church ("We'd play Eric Clapton's 'Cocaine,' but instead of singing 'cocaine,' which you probably wouldn't do in a church, we'd change the word to 'propane,'" the bassist of Wizard, Eric Malmquist, said), Wizard never hit it big. "Whatever you say, amigo. Wizard shall rise again!" the band's 57-year-old keyboardist and tambourine player, Alvin "Bootsy" Jenson, informed the Salt Lake Tribune. "I mean, if Jon wins, that'd be kinda cool, but if he doesn't? Wizard's comin' back, baby! Salt Lake, we are gonna rock you! Propane!" Jenson then added that so far, the Huntsman campaign office has yet to return his calls regarding "President Wizard," a "pretty sweet" campaign song he wrote for Huntsman.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 16
And for the Worst Headline of the Week™, we turn to the reliably terrible People: "Christina Hendricks Spices It up at Home," reads the suggestive big type... only to reveal a story in which the Mad Men seductress notes that she and her husband "like to cook." "We take turns being the chef and sous chef, and we are constantly looking up recipes and trying something new," Hendricks said, presumably putting herself to sleep as she droned on. "It's very rare that we have the same dish twice in our house." Congratulations, People: You just wrote the one story about Christina Hendricks that could even stop Hubby Kip from masturbating.