KIM KARDASHIAN Sloppy seconds.

Question, God: If you do indeed exist, why do you continue to torture our existence with Kardashians? The ickiest of all Kardashians (that would be Kim) celebrated her 31st birthday over the weekend, with an obscenely lavish (of course) celebration at Las Vegas hotspot Lavo, accompanied by her 6'9" bag o' meat hubby, Kris Humphries. But here's a juicy bit of gristle for you to gnaw on: According to, Humphries was not exactly Kardashian's first choice, and before she met him she was on the hunt for any professional basketball player she could claim as arm candy. Sources claim that producers for E! (home to the abysmal Keeping up with the Kardashians) were instructed to scour the NBA for potential boyfriends/reality show co-stars for Kim, and even after these producers told him it would be great for his career, Kim was rejected by former New York Knick Danilo Gallinari. That would make current hubby Kris Humphries... ohhh, what do you men call it? Oh, yes. A "sloppy second." So happy birthday, Kim! May you always get just a little less than what you really want. MEANWHILE... On the topic of "omigod that's disgusting," 17-year-old child-lizard-bride Courtney Stodden and her gross 51-year-old hubby perv Doug Hutchison were kicked out of a pumpkin patch in Santa Clarita, California, over the weekend on charges of being "omigod that's disgusting." Onlookers say Stodden was prancing around the family-geared venue dressed in a knotted flannel shirt (thereby exposing her midsection) and ultra-short Daisy Dukes (thereby exposing her vaheena), and was therefore asked to leave. Now before you "live and let livers" decide to rush to Courtney's defense, check out one of her recent twats: "Experiencing such a wet 'n wild afternoon by turning on a water hose and squirting it all over my heated flesh! Mmm feeling rejuvenated! XOs." We're sorry, but the pumpkin patch wasn't enough. How can we get her 86'd from the planet?

"You'll never see me in a nude scene." Those cryptic words were spoken by a 19-year-old Lindsay Lohan waaaaay back in the year of our lord, 2005, and oh! How times have changed. After a couple of incarcerations, and two bazillion write-ups in this very column, Lindsay has finally had to face the sad truth that Courtney Stodden already knows: She has nothing left that anyone wants except her firecrotch. TMZ announced today that LiLo has accepted nearly $1 million to appear naked in Playboy. She just wrapped the four-day photo shoot—though Photoshopping out and replacing her brown, crooked meth teeth could take up to a year—and according to one source close to the skin magazine, she's going to bear it all... "boobs, ass, and vag." (Oh, you charmer!) Of course, Lindsay insists that the shoot was "tastefully done"... or at least as tasteful as "boobs, ass, and vag" can be. MEANWHILE... If you're looking for reasons why Linds is such an eff-up, squint no farther than papa Michael Lohan who is (sigh) once again in the soup with the law. TMZ reports that Michael stands accused of flipping out and threatening to kill ex-gal-pal Kate Major because according to the police report, "She wouldn't give him a blowjob." Major alleges Michael came to her apartment and upon being refused entry, began screaming and banging his head on her door until his forehead bled. The original argument was allegedly caused by Kate refusing to give this creep a beej or "let Michael ejaculate inside of her." WHO CAN BLAME HER??? (Especially when Lindsay Lohan is walking around as a "worst-case scenario"!)

We're starting to suspect it may be pathological: Kim Kardashian can't help but be a terrible person. Today the cast of Dancing with the Stars were furious when Kim helped her contestant brother Rob Kardashian cheat. As you know, viewers have one hour to call in and vote for their favorite celeb dancer, which is why Kim twatted the following: "OMG! I have Justin Bieber's phone #!!!! 800 8683402! CALL HIM! He's taking calls for the next hour!!!!" Justin Bieber has 10 million Twatter followers. Needless to say, Chaz Bono—the transgendered contestant—didn't receive enough votes and was sent home. When asked for his opinion on Kim's actions, Satan had no comment... though he did give a "slow clap."

PREPARE TO BE UNSURPRISED: According to a source speaking to Us magazine, newlyweds Kim Kardashian and hubby Kris Humphries "are not getting along at all," and are "near the breaking point." GASP. Don't give up, kids! Your sham marriage is worth fighting for! PREPARE TO BE UNSURPRISED AGAIN: Now that Lindsay Lohan is being paid a near cool million for flashing her vaheen in Playboy, the offers are pouring in! Now porn company Fleshlight wants to pay LiLo another million to make a rubber mold of the inside of her "Firecrotch Canyon" for an "authentic" Lindsay Lohan sex toy. "She would never accept such an offer for any amount of money," Lindsay's camp sniffed. YET.

More hilarious deets on the arrest of Michael Lohan: As you recall Papa Lo was last seen banging his bloodied head on Kate Major's door because she "wouldn't give him a blowjob," according to the police report. (If Hubby Kip did that every time we refused oral favors, he would no longer have a head.) Even classier was how Mikey tried to avoid arrest: by faking a heart attack when the cops showed up. "Police said that by complaining of chest pains, Lohan 'was hoping this would prevent him from going to jail, and, in fact, signed himself out of the hospital soon after he thought the police had left. After he signed himself out, he was transported to booking.'" Wow. It's kind of impressive Linds didn't turn out even worse. MEANWHILE... Apparently we're not the only gossip that's noticed Lindsay's icky dental hygiene: People magazine made mention earlier this month of her "less-than-pearly whites" that seemed to be "yellowing." SO IN UNRELATED NEWS... Lindsay Lohan tweeted a picture of herself today with a shiny, sparkling smile, writing, "Thanks Dr. Dorfman for the zoom... My gums are so sore though!" IN MORE UNRELATED NEWS... Despite having worn dentures for nearly two decades, one Hugh Hefner has received a bill from "Dorfman, DDS" for "Zoom! cosmetic teeth whitening." The bill was paid without comment.

Since Halloween was inconsiderate enough to fall on a Monday this year, tonight was "grown-up Halloween"—the night lonely people desperately dress up like idiots and get wasted, only to wake up the next morning to find they've slept with someone whose costume was "Al from Home Improvement." In Hollyweird, Nicole Richie dressed up like J.Lo, Snooki was some sort of skanky cat, already evil Kim Kardashian was Batman villainess Poison Ivy (we'd like to point out how classy we are, dears, for choosing not to make an easy "so that's why she's so rashy 'down there'!" joke), and Heidi Klum showed up to her annual party in Vegas dressed as a human body—a skinless human body, that is, with Klum sporting full-body spandex and makeup painted like muscles and tendons. Gross. Not nearly as gross as Hubby Kip's Halloween getup he wears every year, though. We get it, dear. You like flannel, and we're sure Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor is very grateful for your assistance.

"After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage," heartless monster Kim Kardashian said in a totally unexpected press release. "I had hoped this marriage was forever, but sometimes things don't work out as planned." In fact, Kimmie filed for divorce a mere 72 days after her sham marriage to NBA player Kris Humphries, with TMZ claiming the split was due to her refusal to move to Humphries' home state, Minnesota. (To be fair: Ugh. Minnesota.) The finance geniuses at Forbes, however, have an alternate, far more plausible theory: "Not only does a divorce goose storylines [for Keeping up with the Kardashians], it will also practically guarantee more magazine covers for Kim as she gives exclusives about her sad, sad divorce," writer Dorothy Pomerantz points out. "That helps keep the Kardashians in the spotlight which again, helps draw viewers for the show. And the more people who watch the show and read about Kim the more people who will likely buy clothes from the sisters' new line at Sears. And a single Kim is far sexier than a married Kim. That should help sales of products she endorses on her own like her fragrance, Love, and Midori liqueur." Ahhh, romance. It's news like this—and a bed full of hairs from a fake Al Borland beard—that make us feel less like it's Halloween and more like it's Valentine's Day.