MONDAY, OCTOBER 31
We have only one question: IS LOVE DEAD?? What else are we to assume, since the greatest love of this century—i.e., the romance between Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries—is dead and buried (presumably beneath wads of cash)? As reported last week, the fairy tale marriage of Kim and Kris is no more, ending after 72 days of not-so-wedded bliss... BUT before judging them on the length of their relationship, remember this: These two loved each other in dog years. That means in "people" years they were actually married for... we dunno... almost a year and a half? Hey, that's a lot longer than most sham marriages we could mention (with the possible exception of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes). However, some news organizations are shockingly reporting that Kardashian's marriage to this NBA player that she barely knew may have been a complete and utter SHAM. (Stifle your gasps!) According to inside Kamp Kardashian sources gabbing to Radar Online, Kim was actually "never in love" with Kris, and their relationship and subsequent quickie marriage was nothing but an orchestrated scam which netted the two "a reported $10 million payday." "It was pretty much an arranged marriage right from the start," quoth a sneaky spy. "Kim was looking for a husband and Kris was selected for her, among others. She wasn't really into him but she hoped she would be able to develop some feelings, but it never happened. By all accounts [she] absolutely hated sleeping with him or even having to make out with him." But... but... the institution of marriage is sacred (just ask Hubby Kip)! Only a despicable, loathsome, greedy monster who has little to no regard for anyone or anything except money and being a callous, pampered fame whore would ever do anything like... OHHHHHHHHH.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 1
Today flaming fame whore/loathsome greedy monster Kim Kardashian issued a "Message to My Fans" (HA!) to counter accusations that her marriage was actually a loveless, thinly veiled moneymaking scheme. "First and foremost," Kim wrote using the blood of murdered Chinese children, "I married for love. I can't believe I even have to defend this." [LIES!! THE MONSTER LIES!!—Ann] "Everyone that knows me knows that I'm a hopeless romantic," Kim continued while strangling a puppy. "I love with all my heart and soul. I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed into something too soon." [SHE ONLY WANTS BABIES SO SHE CAN EAT THEM!!—Ann] "I'm being honest here [NO SHE'S NOT! SHE'S LYING!!—Ann], and I hope you respect my courage because this isn't easy to go through," wrote Kim, after setting fire to an orphanage filled with disabled children. "It just didn't turn out to be the fairy tale I had so badly hoped for." [IF THIS IS A FAIRY TALE, YOU'RE THE WITCH! LIGHT THE TORCHES! BURN THE WITCH!!—Ann]. MEANWHILE... Boring but beautiful non-witch Scarlett Johansson revealed in an interview with Vanity Fair why she took those nudie self-portraits (which were summarily hacked from her phone and lovingly distributed all over the internet). "I know my best angles," ScarJo breezily replied, kind of making us hate her more than we used to, but nowhere near as much as Kim Kardashian. "They were sent to my husband [then Ryan Reynolds], and there's nothing wrong with that." Nope, nothing wrong with that—unless of course, Ryan Reynolds didn't return the favor. (Ahem.) Where are those nudie photos of Ryan Reynolds? We demand to see his penis! And we demand to see it... now!!
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 2
And the shocks just keep on coming. Lindsay Lohan has once again run afoul of the law, and has been sentenced to 30 days of jail time for her troubles. For missing court-mandated therapy sessions as well as spotty community service attendance, Judge Stephanie Sautner sentenced LiLo to 30 days in the pokey, with an additional 270 days if she does not complete the rest of her probation by December 14. Now, while we usually take Lindsay's side in these matters, this the best thing for her and we applaud the judge for proving that, even for celebrities, justice is blind and... THIS JUST IN. Judge Stephanie Sautner has delayed Lindsay's jail time so she can complete her nude photo shoot for Playboy and... THIS JUST IN. Justice is not blind.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 3
Inexplicable teen heartthrob Justin Bieber—you know, the one with the hair—is being accused of having sperm and being heterosexual. OH! And fathering a child during a "toilet tryst" with a 19-year-old female fan after one of his concerts. Fan and baby mama Mariah Yeater claims Justin lured her into the toilet, and vowed to "fuck the shit" out of her—which if true, means at least he chose the right location. The Bieber camp firmly denies the accusation, vowing to "pursue all available legal remedies"—and if that doesn't work out? They'll stage a reunion concert called "Bieber and the Baby" as soon as the child learns how to use a vocoder.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 4
Today in "News Relevant to Octogenarians," 60 Minutes' professional curmudgeon Andy Rooney died at the age of 92. Known for his seemingly endless series of grumbling diatribes made up of equal parts cantankerousness and befuddlement, Rooney also peppered his complaints with liberal doses of confusion, paranoia, and self-congratulation. In other words, he was like an annoying, senile grandfather that all of America shared. Godspeed, you rambling old coot. We're sure you'll find something to bitch about in Heaven.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 5
Hipster über-couple Ben Gibbard and Zooey Deschanel are dunzo, according to Us—which quotes a source who claims that after a mere two years of marriage, the Death Cab for Cutie frontman and exceedingly obnoxious actress parted ways in a "mutual and amicable" manner. Today, the entirety of shared-house dwellings in inner Southeast Portland shared a moment of silence for the couple, shortly before frying up some seitan chili and marathoning a few episodes of New Girl while listening to Transatlanticism in the background. "We'll get through this," said Ryder Williams of the Buckman neighborhood, who stepped outside to work on his fixie to help him "get his mind off things." "It'll be rough, no doubt—but we'll get through this. We'll get through this just like Zooey and Ben would tweet us to." MEANWHILE... Mere months after having to provide a birth certificate to an American public so stupid as to demand it, the Obama administration was forced to come out with another press release written for some of its most insightful critics. "Thank you for signing the petition asking the Obama administration to acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence here on Earth," wrote the exceedingly patient Phil Larson of the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy. "The US government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race. In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public's eye." MEANWHILE... "Bullshit, Phil!" screeched Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. "That's just such... arrgh! Bull. Shit! You make me so angry sometimes! This charade is... I just can't... argh. Just... Phil. Phil, we've been over this a billion times and—okay. Okay. Look. I'm going to watch a few episodes of New Girl to calm down now, Phil. We'll talk about this in the morning."
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 6
Lindsay Lohan finally went to jail this evening—at which point she promptly left. "Lindsay Lohan was released from a Los Angeles County jail early Monday, less than five hours after she arrived at the suburban women's lockup," reports the AP. "The Mean Girls actress was booked into the Century Regional Detention facility in Lynwood at 8:50 pm Sunday, in what was expected to be a short stay because of jail overcrowding.... News crews staking out the jail said she left at 1:40 am in a black Cadillac Escalade sport utility vehicle, and that she was in her Venice home by 2 am." In other words, kind of an early night for Linds! MEANWHILE... Props to thesuperficial.com, which summed up the entirety of Kim Kardashian's weekend in one fantastic headline ("Kim Kardashian Is Seriously Going to Pretend to Fix Her Marriage Now") and an opening paragraph: "After an entire week of backlash from divorcing Kris Humphries and essentially revealing their marriage as the massive scam it was designed to be from the start, Kim Kardashian flew to Minnesota over the weekend to pretend she actually has genuine emotions and isn't a soulless whore-machine hell-bent on whore-mongering." A tip of the reporter fedora to you, Superficial. That's how you write a news lead. MEANWHILE... "Awww... just... dammit. This stupid New Girl show sucks worse the Gantharian slime-leeches of Abraxas Prime," Klaktu quietly muttered while sitting in his recliner. He spoke to no one in particular.