MONDAY, NOVEMBER 14
Today tattooed dimbulb Kat Von D announced she is part of the 99 percent... that have been fucked over by douchebag/serial cheater Jesse James. As you undoubtedly recall, James broke the mustachioed heart of Sandra Bullock by cheating on her with all manner of big-boobied slutlets. And today, Kat took to her Facebook to write a very lengthy blog post about how she's completely and so totally over being cheated on by James... at least 19 times. "Today I encountered the 19th girl to add to the list of people Jesse cheated on with me during this last year," Kat wrote. "Time is something you can never get back, and what we do with this very present moment is the most real thing we have. So if that's the lesson Jesse forced me to face and learn by all of this, then all I can say is Thank You." In response, Jesse James' crabs wrote on their Facebook page, "No, Kat... THANK YOU!" MEANWHILE IN OTHER 99 PERCENT NEWS... A very busy weekend indeed for the Occupy movement, as police across the nation evicted protesters from their parks. Here in Portland, finally succumbing to increased pressure from social services providers, downtown business interests, and their own union, the police rousted occupiers from Chapman and Lownsdale Squares—inadvertently invigorating the entire move-ment. Now, instead of focusing attention on port-o-potties, drug addicts, and garbage control, the local occupiers are free to organize loud, raucous protests anywhere and anytime in the downtown corridor—especially during the busy holiday shopping season. Soooo... good idea, Portland Business Alliance and police union! We hope you got exactly what you were wishing for.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15
Justin Bieber fans rejoice: He is almost certainly NOT the father of a four-month-old baby, conceived during a filthy toilet tryst with a lustful fan. As reported last week, the Beebs has been accused by Mariah Yeater of maliciously impregnating her with his dreamy teenage sperm. Unfortunately for Mariah, not only has the teen pop star taken a DNA test to dispel the accusation, she was also busted sending incriminating text messages that kinda, sorta prove she's a big fat liar. "Pleeeease ERASE ALL MESSAGES from my mom where she says Tristyn [the baby's name] is Robbie's Son," Mariah allegedly texted to a friend, as reported by TMZ. "I'll kick u when we get paid. I'm trusting you pleeease—Mariah." (We're assuming "kick u" is teenager Justin Bieber-style language for "I'm bribing you.") Unsurprisingly, Mariah's paternity suit has now been dropped according to her lawyers—but only because of "death threats" leveled at her from Bieber's legion of rabid believers. As for what's next, Mariah can expect a hefty slander suit in the mail—that is, if the fury of 500,000 hormonally insane tweens doesn't get to her first.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16
Well, the results are in and People magazine has announced this year's "Sexiest Man Alive"—and he's NOT George Clooney?? The idiots behind this idiotic decision NOT to choose the most gracious, handsome, sexy man alive (that would be George Clooney), made the idiotic choice to select The Hangover's Bradley Cooper instead—who is fine, we guess, if you don't mind a face that looks like a dull butcher knife, and you've never seen GEORGE CLOONEY. Dear People magazine: We regret to inform you we are canceling our subscription to your formerly excellent rag until you renounce your idiocy and devote an entire issue to apologizing profusely to the TRUE "Sexiest Man Alive, Dead, or Whatever" George Clooney. Sincerely, Ann Romano. (P.S., However, if you decide to write some mean articles about the whore he's currently dating [Stacey Keibler], all will be forgiven and we'll happily purchase a lifetime subscription.)
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 17
As mentioned on Monday, Occupy Portland has been reinvigorated after their ouster from Chapman and Lownsdale Squares, and today was a keen example of what happens when a movement is no longer contained to one location. After occupying the Steel Bridge (during the morning commute, no less), protesters marched around the downtown core visiting Wells Fargo, Bank of America, and Chase to remind them and us how mega-banks assisted in bringing our country to its current sorry state. Things took a decidedly sour turn when a tense and overworked (by their own choice) police force showed up in droves, shoved the throng into the street, and pepper sprayed a poor girl in the mouth. Chief Mike Reese then added insult to injury by claiming Occupy was siphoning away officers that could've responded to other crimes—such as a reported rape. (As it turned out the sexual assault had happened over a week earlier, and response time had little to nothing to do with Occupy.) For more on this, see this week's feature article (pg. 11), and be sure to check back next week for updates—because Black Friday is going to be verrrrrry interesting.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 18
So here's how people everywhere else have babies: They have them! Here's how people in Hollyweird have babies: They call Weight Watchers and set up promotional deals to lose the baby weight... before the baby is even born. That appears to be Jessica Simpson's strategy, with the formerly famous singer "in talks with Weight Watchers for a $4 million deal to shed pregnancy pounds," according to Us. "Under the contract, Simpson would have one year to use the point-counting program to 'lose a significant amount of weight'" following the birth of her child, an insider squawks. When reached for comment, the fetus inside Simpson's uterus seemed dubious. "Well, that's one way to go about preparing for my birth," it gurgled. "Alternately, she could, you know, set up a nursery? Or at least try not to financially exploit my existence before I even have thumbs? Goddammit, who is my mom anyway? I have a bad feeling about this."
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19
While Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's marriage might've suffered its final blow when Ash-Ash was busted cheating, the two were having troubles long before that, according to People. "Several friends note that the age gap between the former power couple... caused Moore to doubt herself," the magazine explains. "'If anyone was uncomfortable with the age difference, it was Demi, not Ashton,' says a Kutcher pal. 'She drove him crazy after a while with questions and doubts.'" We're guessing one of those doubts was, "Wait. Did I seriously marry that kid from Dude, Where's My Car? Seriously?" MEANWHILE... There's trouble in paradise for the recently hitched Katy Perry and Russell Brand, according to the Daily Mail, which claims Katy is "confiding" in singer Tore Nissen that her marriage is in trouble, while Brand recently took off his wedding ring when talking about an upcoming tour of American colleges. "I don't know what a sorority is," Brand said. "Except that they are sort of sex clubs for women. I am going to learn first-hand about sororities." MEANWHILE... Speaking of marital bliss, Mia Farrow tweeted the following observation a few days ago, which we hereby present without comment: "I'm in Canada. Only been here two hours but it feels like there are fewer pedophiles here."
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20
"[Mitt] Romney this year has been doing his best to fly under the radar," political scientist Andy Smith tells NPR. "He's been leading in polls for two-plus years, he's been the most popular candidate, he's had the highest favorability ratings. And I think what he's doing is essentially playing a game of running out the clock." In other words? Romney's letting the impressively inept Republican nominees—Herman "Grabby" Cain, Rick "Forgetful" Perry, Newt "Grinch" Gingrich, Rick "Anal Froth" Santorum, Ron "Crazy Uncle" Paul, Michele "I'M STILL HEEERRREE!" Bachmann—make asses of themselves, at which point he'll swoop in and snag the nomination. Clever! MEANWHILE... "Indeed, very clever, Mitt... or it would be if I HADN'T THOUGHT OF IT FIRST!" bellowed Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII when reached via holotube at his campaign headquarters on Abraxas XI. "Oh, you thought I was 'just being quiet'? You thought I 'didn't know' about the town halls or debates? Oh, I knew, Mitt. And just because my write-in campaign in 2008 didn't go exactly according to plan does not mean I plan on going gentle into this good night! Republicans, Democrats, Teabaggers, Occupiers... no one has a vision for Planet Earth like I do. It is one built on the wails of children and the screams of Thetans; it is one that shall exalt Suri Cruise atop an Aztec pyramid; it is one where Battlefield Earth screens at every movie theater at every hour of the day. It is a paradise, Mitt, and you would do well to stay out of my way." Klaktu then hopped onto his Xalbranthian battlecat, shot his plasma rifle indiscriminately into the air, and was not heard of for four solar chrono-cycles, at which point he was spotted eating a baked potato at a Wendy's in Des Moines.