MONDAY, AUGUST 7 For those who are just becoming obsessed with the new national pastime—that would be Hollywood gossip— you should know that a "blind item" can be the Holy Grail of Tinseltown gab. It's a super juicy bit of gossip where the celebrity is unnamed—either because of legal reasons or because the report is unsubstantiated. Bearing that in mind, here is one of the greatest "blind items" we've seen in ages, courtesy of ohnotheydidnt.com! "A mole was in a club in Tokyo recently and witnessed perhaps the most bizarre incident I have ever heard. It was a very exclusive invite-only club and our mole was with a friend when it looked like it was suddenly 'snowing' inside the club. It wasn't snow at all, but was actually thousands of small white feathers gently fluttering to the ground. His friend went to investigate and came back ashen-faced saying: 'Go round the corner and tell me that what I've just witnessed is not a dream.' So the mole went, as instructed, around the corner and saw two go-go dancers gyrating in front of a booth. On closer inspection, he noticed that sat in the booth was a Very Famous Unmarried Hollywood Actor Prone To Starting Litigation If His Sexuality Is Ever Questioned. The actor was ignoring the go-go girls as he had 'bigger fish to fry.' Well, to be more precise, he had an almost-naked and very young man on his lap. Being spanked. While biting a pillow. And waving his head around so violently that the feathers were flying everywhere." WOW! Now that's what we call a blind item. So who's this mysterious celebrity? "Unmarried," "very famous," "prone to litigation?" That has Tom Cruise written all over it! WAIT. It can't be him, because Tom is allergic to feathers. Oh, never mind.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 8 Ring the bells and let the confetti fall—heartbroken horsy-faced Jennifer Aniston and hairy-backed Neanderthal Vince Vaughn are finally engaged... OR ARE THEY? Us Weekly broke the not-exactly-interesting news this week, which was almost immediately denied by longtime Aniston publicist Stephen Huvane. Tired of being called stinking liars by publicists, Us Weekly struck back, saying that Huvane is the one with the awful track record for telling the truth, citing a number of instances of blatant fibbing. For example... (1) Huvane repeatedly claimed Jennifer and Brad Pitt were NOT engaged—almost up until their wedding. (2) Two weeks before the beleaguered twosome split, Huvane was saying, "There is no split. They are fine." (3) After the split, Huvane denied she was moving back into her previous bachelorette pad—guess where she ended up? (4) And when Jennifer was horse nuzzling Vince Vaughn on the set of The Break-Up, Huvane furiously pooh-poohed any hint of romantic entanglement. "Vince is a good friend of Jennifer's. I think the tabloids are so eager to see her with someone romantically that they just make these false assumptions." Wrong again, Huvane. Watching these two together is like watching a Clydesdale French kiss a Sasquatch. Momentarily interesting, but ultimately EWW!
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 9 Speaking of lies and the lying liars that lie about them, check out Miss Liar Liar Lindsay Lohan! The teen queen recently told Elle magazine, "I say things that aren't true a lot... If I was dating one person [I'd] probably tell them I was dating someone else and then I'd call my friend and be like, 'Do you mind if I say that we're dating?' I figure I'll fuck with [the tabloids], because they fuck with me." Goodness! Does she kiss her deadbeat daddy with that mouth? MEANWHILE... In international Lohan news, in the same edition of Elle, Lindsay said that she would really like to visit Iraq with Hilary... and NO, not Duff! She actually means Hilary CLINTON! "I wanted to do what Marilyn Monroe did," she said. "When she did a concert for the troops all by herself. Hilary was trying to work it out but it seemed too dangerous." UGH! Isn't that just like Hilary? How is she ever going to win the presidency by avoiding the military? (Obviously, President Bush skipping out of National Guard service doesn't count.)
THURSDAY, AUGUST 10 A few things you should know about today's failed terrorist attack that intended on blowing up 10 planes pointed at the US from England: (1) The liquid explosives that were reportedly going to be used can be found on any bathroom shelf. For example, nail polish remover, disinfectant, hair color, and obviously, Tom's of Maine all-natural nitroglycerin. (2) Though all signs point to this being an al-Qaida plot, some US Muslim groups have criticized President Bush for calling the perpetrators "Islamic fascists." From now on, he should only refer to these terrorists as "Islamic Shmoopy Pants." (That's the name of their kitty!) (3) Speaking of the Bush administration, they were alerted to the plot days before any arrests were made. This gave them plenty of time to blast Democrats for being soft on terror—as when VP Dick Cheney commented on the win of anti-war candidate Ned Lamont, saying that Democrats are encouraging "al-Qaida types." (4) Oliver Stone's World Trade Center opens big, making $4.4 million its first day. We blame "Hollywood fascists."
FRIDAY, AUGUST 11 The internets were aghast today with news that The O.C.'s Mischa Barton nearly caused an international incident when she accepted a dinner date with British royal Lord Freddie Windsor and then proceeded to play with her Blackberry personal organizer throughout the meal. Mischa also showed up to dinner with her hairdresser Andy LeCompte. Now, we're all for starlet chaperones and coiffure touch-ups, but taking a hairdresser along on a date does seem to push the boundaries of what is acceptable first-date behavior. However, we stand behind Mischa as far as the texting is concerned. It is allowed, especially if you are texting something like: HOLY SHIT, CALL ME ON MY CELL. I THOUGHT I WAS DINING WITH PRINCE HARRY. I'M COVERED IN CORGI HAIR. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 12 Thailand's Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra, who is running for reelection, has announced a plan to provide low-cost laptop computers to all of that country's millions of elementary school students. He is partnering with the US-based "One Laptop per Child" project, which aims to deliver up to 30 computers to Thailand in October and 500 more in November, at a cost to the government of about $100 each. (A mere freckle on Lindsay Lohan's firecrotch.) The computers will go to rural children first, free of charge, instead of books, because, according to the prime minister, "books will be found and can be read on computers." Gee, we wish we lived in a country that had the means to provide laptops to every child. That child sex tourism trade must really pay well. Hey, we have an idea! Maybe we should allocate some of our money to support kids' education! No! Let's occupy the Middle East instead. It's more fun in the long run.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 13 Fidel Castro lives! After much speculation that Castro was at death's door after undergoing intestinal surgery, Cuba's Communist Youth newspaper posted photographs of Castro today on its website. In what can only be counted as a blatant slight at Nike, Castro is lounging in an Adidas warm-up jacket. The jacket in red, white, and blue (the colors of Cuba's flag—does EVERYONE have to copy us?) is one of the more ugly pieces of clothing we've seen in quite some time. First of all, it is mostly white. Fidel, comrade, you are too chubby for white. Plus, sir, you are ill and pasty. The white washes you out. And the casual sporty thing? Not really you. The fatigues. A nice suit. Even a turtleneck (think Kofi Annan) would suffice. Something that says: "I'm still your leader and not a Boca Raton retiree." Just because you're feeling under the weather doesn't mean you get to let yourself go. Think of us. We're the ones who have to look at your picture in the newspaper first thing in the morning.