MONDAY, NOVEMBER 21
Rapidly failing GOP candidate Michele Bachmann appeared on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon this evening, and we would've been talking about whatever stupid thing she may have said had it not been for one thing—Jimmy's house band the Roots played Fishbone's "Lyin' Ass Bitch" as she came on stage. Naturally that raised the Republican's hackles—even more than abortion or gays, we presume—and host Fallon issued a hasty twat-pology. "I'm honored that @michelebachmann was on our show and I'm so sorry about the intro mess. I really hope she comes back," Fallon lied to his followers. Naturally, because Bachmann has zero sense of humor about herself, Fallon's apology fell on deaf ears. Cue Doug Vaughn, NBC's vice president, who also apologized, saying the song was "not only unfortunate but also unacceptable." So was this apology good enough for Michele? HA! What do you think? "Of course I accept the apology but my guess is that it would have been the president of NBC that would have been apologizing, not a senior vice president," Bachmann sneered to KLIF radio in Dallas, adding that First Lady Michelle Obama would have NEVER, EVER, EVER been treated so disrespectfully in a public forum. IN AN EXTREMELY RELATED STORY... First Lady Michelle Obama was loudly and roundly booed at the Homestead-Miami Speedway yesterday, where she was hosting the NASCAR races, and encouraging local businesses to hire military veterans. (Sooooooo... what was that you were saying, Michele?)
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 22
In "love = $$$" news: Serial cheater/douchebag Ashton Kutcher attempted to purchase his way back into Demi Moore's heart, according to TMZ, by buying her a brand-spanking-new 2012 Lexus LS 600h L—valued at well over $100,000. It is unclear whether Demi thanked Ashton for the extremely generous gift, and then pushed it off a cliff... but what a wonderful world it would be. MEANWHILE... According to Life & Style, basketball-playing doofus Kris Humphries is planning to sue his evil dingbat ex-insta-wife Kim Kardashian for a cool $10 million. (Hmm... can you sue someone for taking advantage of your stupidity?) However, he may have a difficult time proving his case, because according to Us magazine, Kris is the real villain and stands accused of belittling the soulless monster before their wedding day. "He'd call her stupid," said a snoopy source, adding that "he said she had no talent," "her fame would never last," and that she had a "fat ass." Get a good lawyer, Kim! It's gonna be tough disproving these statements in court.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23
Happy birthday, Miley Cyrus! And how exactly did you spend your big day? With a Bob Marley "weed" cake? Oh, that sounds nice, and... whaaaaaaaaaa?? According to E! News, pal Kelly Osbourne staged the superstar b-day bash, and presented Miley with a cake emblazoned with the image of dope-lovin' singer Bob Marley (obviously in reference to Miley getting caught smoking "salvia" last year). "You know you're a stoner when your friends make you a Bob Marley cake," Miley told the partygoers. "You know you smoke way too much fucking weed." Now, if you were the internet, how would you react to this quote? By blowing up, of course, which prompted pal Kelly to jump to Miley's defense on the Twatter machine. "[We] call her bob miley as a JOKE! the cake was also... A JOKE! It makes me sick that @MileyCyrus so called 'friends' would lead people 2 believe she is something that she is not!" Geez, okay, fine! Don't get your titties in a tornado, Kelly! (But is it okay if we call her "Medical Marijuana Miley"?)
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24
And it's Thanksgiving, otherwise known as The Day We're Forced to Find Something to Be Grateful About. Okay, so we're grateful for 42-year-old J.Lo spending T-Bird Day with her new 24-year-old backup dancer (and suspected lover) Casper Smart on the beaches of Kauai, Hawaii... and making Casper babysit the kids! That's exactly what we'll do with our 24-year-old lover... as soon as we get one. MEANWHILE... We're also grateful that the world realizes that even when Kim Kardashian serves hot meals to the homeless at the Los Angeles Mission on Thanksgiving Day, she's still a monster and an incorrigible bitch. (Dear homeless people: Before rushing to her defense, are you sure she didn't spit in your food?)
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25
And it's Black Friday, otherwise known as The Day We Remember How Depressing America Is. Across the pond, the Daily Mail stood aghast at the nation that, long ago, austere olde Britannia had wrought—accurately describing Black Friday as a "violent frenzy" in which desperate, cash-strapped American "shoppers were Tasered, pepper sprayed, and led away in handcuffs as bargain hunters battled for the best deals on offer." The Mail continued, "A grandfather was knocked unconscious to the floor in Arizona, a California shopper used pepper spray on fellow bargain hunters, and gunfire erupted at a North Carolina mall. An off-duty cop used pepper spray in North Carolina, an Alabama shopper was Tasered, a South Carolina woman was robbed, and a California shopper was shot in a separate robbery. There was a bomb scare in Arizona, a man was charged in a New York brawl, a Hollister shop was burgled in New York City, and girls punched each other at a Pennsylvania Victoria's Secret." (To be fair, we heard Victoria's had some amazing deals on yoga gear.) And let us not forget the horrifying footage of a $2 waffle iron frenzy at a Walmart, in which a herd of lumbering, huffing Americans flailed and shoved in a frantic bid to trample each other, perhaps unaware that actual waffles were not, in fact, being sold. AND IN OTHER DARK NEWS... The number-one movie over Thanksgiving weekend was the fourth Twilight, which played to sold-out theaters across our not-so-proud land... much to the dismay of one Sacramento couple. "Brandon Gephart and Kelly Bauman said they were watching Breaking Dawn—Part I at a theater Friday night when Brandon suddenly began convulsing during a graphic birthing scene," reported the local CBS affiliate. "Brandon said he doesn't remember anything until he woke up on the theater floor, but Kelly said he was, 'convulsing, snorting, trying to breathe.'" Yes, dears. That is indeed exactly what it's like to watch Twilight.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 26
Ah, romance! God knows Hubby Kip has done his best to kill it, but that's not to say it doesn't exist outside of what he insists on calling "Casa de Romano." In Paris, for example, Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling flaunted their newfound love in front of countless paparazzi, taking walks through parks and near the Eiffel Tower. We'd imply there was something slightly too obvious about the resultant pictures—as if they were staged, perhaps? By someone was trying a tad too hard to convince the world of his heterosexuality, perhaps? But no—we're sure that isn't the case! Ryan, you will be ours. Eva, you will die. MEANWHILE... Jennifer Aniston was trotted out to a screening of Hugo by current boytoy Justin Theroux at the snazzy ArcLight Cinemas in Hollywood... where they narrowly missed Jen's ex, Brad Pitt, who was taking Angelina Jolie and their 43,010 children to the same movie! "Phew," Pitt said when alerted of the close call. "I'm glad we didn't run into each other. That chick looks like a horse." MEANWHILE... In the most timeless love of all, Mitt Romney and his hair continued their decades-long infatuation. "Nobody has a more complicated and intimate relationship with Mr. Romney's hair than the man who has styled it for more than two decades, a barrel-chested, bald Italian immigrant named Leon de Magistris," reveals the New York Times. "For years, Mr. de Magistris said in an interview, he has tried to persuade Mr. Romney, 64, to loosen up his look by tousling his meticulous mane. 'I will tell him to mess it up a little bit,' said Mr. de Magistris, 69. 'I said to him, "Let it be more natural." The suggestion has not gone over well. 'He wants a look that is very controlled,' Mr. de Magistris said. 'He is a very controlled man. The hair goes with the man.'"
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 27
"Oh, come on, New York Times!" screeched Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. "It's come to this? Profiles of presidential candidates' hairdressers? A far more interesting story might be about a candidate who styles his own cranium tendrils—such as yours truly. Using a proprietary blend of Alberto VO5 and xenomorph secretions, I manage to pull off a look that should go over like gangbusters in New Hampshire. I call it 'The Rachel'!" When informed there was already a hairstyle by that name, Klaktu flew into a rage and used his plasma rifle to disintegrate his beloved Cardassian blood-eel. "God, is there anything that humanoid/equine female cannot ruin?" Klaktu asked. "I was gonna go see Hugo this weekend too, until I saw her stupid car in the ArcLight's parking garage."