KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN Kill it!

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28
Now it's time for your weekly recap of The Munsters... errr... the Kardashians! Last night was the season premiere of Kourtney & Kim Take New York (poor New York... doesn't it have enough problems?) in which Kim's 72-day husband Kris Humphries told his newlywed bride, "You're my wife now. It's going to take a lot to get rid of me." Turns out he was right—it did take a lot... of seconds. 6,220,800 of them to be exact. Which is about 6,220,799 more seconds than we could stand being with either of them. IN OTHER KARDASHIAN NEWS... Almost-as-terrible sis Kourtney K announced to a horrified world (via Us magazine) that she is pregnant with what we hope is a "human baby"—though with this family, one can never be too sure. (Have they taken the "cloven hoof test" yet?) IN EVEN MORE KARDASHIAN NEWS... The National Enquirer is reporting that a divorce may also be in the works for Kardashian parental units Bruce and Kris Jenner, because as Kim and Kris Humphries have already proven, violating the sanctity of marriage can be a real moneymaker! (Since hets have effectively ruined marriage, is it okay for the gays to do it now?) FINALLY, IN NON-KARDASHIAN NEWS... Failed Hollyweird power couple Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are trying to move on with their failed, miserable lives—Demi has been spotted on sad, platonic dates with skincare mogul Scott-Vincent Borba. (Ooh! Demi! While you're asking for advice on how to fill those drainage ditches in your forehead, try to score us lotion samples!) Meanwhile, shy, retiring Ashton was spotted at a bar being "swarmed by girls" who were "hugging him" and trying to "convince him to go to a strip club." (Demi! Stop frowning! It's not helping your puppy jowls!)

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 29
In a shocking turn of events, Kris Humphries was extremely disappointed with the way he was portrayed on the season premiere of Kourtney & Kim Take New York. (We'll pause in case you need to find someone to help lift your jaw off the ground.) A source told Radar Online that Humphries watched the episode in "utter horror, because it's just not a true depiction about what was actually going on." WHAT? A reality show bending the truth? Next he'll be telling us his entire marriage was based on fraud, and... THIS JUST IN. Kris Humphries has filed for an annulment, claiming his marriage to Kim was based on fraud! Sources tell TMZ that Kim never actually loved Kris, and "once they were finished taping [the show], she just didn't need a groom anymore." However, a California annulment is only legally possible if the plaintiff can prove impotency, incest, bigamy, unsound mind, force, or fraud. "Oh, is that all?" Humphries asked. Stepping up to the judge, Kris added, "Your honor, have you ever heard of the Kardashians? If so, I rest my case."

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30
"They have been trying to do character assassination on me!" yelped struggling GOP presidential wannabe Herman Cain today. The poor widdle millionaire pizza mogul had his poor widdle feewings hurt after a woman came forward on Monday to claim she had shared a lengthy affair with the married Cain. Ginger White of Georgia described her tryst with Cain on Good Morning America, saying, "Our relationship was on and off for the last 13, 14 years," adding that she had also received money and gifts from the candidate. "It was a very casual affair," White said. "Am I proud to admit that? No, I am not." Naturally, a blustery Cain firmly denied the charge, calling White a "troubled Atlanta businesswoman"—though he does admit to showering her with money. "I have helped her financially at times over the past few years, just as I have helped many friends and acquaintances," Cain responded. Follow-up question, Mr. Cain: Was the money you gave to Ms. White and other "friends" ever attached to your penis?

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 1
Gorgeous James Bond actor Daniel Craig had the following to say to GQ magazine today, when asked about certain celebs who earn money from their fame, rather than their talent: "It's not about being afraid to be public with your emotions, who you are and what you stand for. But if you sell it off, it's gone. Look at the Kardashians. They're worth millions. You see that and you think, 'What, you mean all I have to do is behave like a fucking idiot on television and then you'll pay me millions?' I'm not judging it... well, I am obviously." Sighhh. If he'd said this while climbing out of the ocean with his shirt off, we'd kiss George Clooney goodbye.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 2
Happy birthday, Britney Spears! The perennial One Day at a Time star celebrated her 30th birthday today, and Entertainment Weekly marked the occasion by noting "just some" of the things Brit-Brit went thorough in her 20s: "gave birth to two sons," "endured a custody battle," shaved her head, "(briefly) went to rehab," "split with Justin Timberlake," "married and eventually divorced Kevin 'Popo Zao' Federline," "appeared with K-Fed on arguably the worst reality show of all time, Britney & Kevin: Chaotic," "had a 55-hour marriage to childhood friend Jason Alexander," "was linked to Fred Durst," "tried her hand at acting, both in movies (Crossroads) and television (How I Met Your Mother)," and "had an entire episode of Glee dedicated to her." Lindsay, Kim, Charlie, and Ashton? You've got a lot of catching up to do.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 3
At long last, Herman Cain has given up. "As of today, with a lot of prayer and soul searching, I am suspending my presidential campaign," Cain told supporters. "Because of the continued distractions [that's code for, "all the women I lied about sexually harassing and cheating on my wife with."—Ann], the continued hurt caused on me and my family [he means, "by my own nauseating indiscretions and half-hearted denials."—Ann], not because we are not fighters. Not because I'm not a fighter." [He is also a pizza magnate!—Ann.] The New York Times reported, "The circus-like atmosphere surrounding Saturday's announcement—complete with numerous postponements, barbecue, a blues band, and supporters in colonial-era dress—was in keeping with the campaign's irreverence and disarray since its inception: Mr. Cain, a self-styled rebel, announced his intention to run earlier this year at a rally, also in Atlanta, with the nonsensical phrase, 'Aw, shucky ducky!'" But most importantly, Cain finally—finally—admitted he's been repeatedly quoting Pokémon while on the campaign trail. "I believe these words came from the Pokémon movie," Cain said before launching into his familiar refrain: "Life can be a challenge. Life can seem impossible. It's never easy when there's so much on the line. But you and I can make a difference. There's a mission just for you and me... just look inside and you will find just what you can do." In the past, Cain's attributed those words to "a poet," when in fact he's known damn well all along they're from the end credits song of Pokémon: The Movie 2000. Thanks for finally coming clean about something, Herman. Moving on!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 4
After being ousted from Chapman and Lownsdale Squares, Occupy Portland made another attempt this weekend to... well, hang out in a park. After some marches, the occupiers found themselves at downtown's Shemanski Park... where they attempted to bring attention to Americans' economic disparity by having a Michael Jackson dance party. Well, until Shemanski Park's real occupiers showed up. "Talk among some was that drug dealers wielding skateboards surged in, ate some food, and spat in some occupiers' faces while demanding they leave," reported Mercury News Editor Denis C. Theriault on Blogtown. "The campers packed up and [left], hoping to avoid more violence, which had some like Dog Mike, an organizer of the reoccupation, complaining that it looked like the movement was more willing to 'kowtow' to drug dealers and not the city. 'All those people who were out here at 3 am dancing need to decide if it's our park,' he said. 'You're willing to get beat up by riot cops, but you're not willing to get beat up by gang members?'" IN OTHER LOCAL NEWS... "Freak tofu explosion terrorizes Portland," writes Gawker, noting that last week, "A female resident of Portland, Oregon, was at home cooking tofu when, suddenly and without warning, her kitchen exploded. The woman said she was rinsing her tofu pan in the sink when a mysterious force—she isn't sure what—burned her hand and knocked a six-foot window out of her home and into the street." Welcome to Portland, lady. This kind of stupid stuff happens here all the time.