MONDAY, DECEMBER 5
Twilight fans? Get ready for the shock of your twinkly skinned lives: Robert Pattinson was spotted sneaking out of a bar... with a woman other than co-star/vampire life partner Kristen Stewart! And exactly who was the skank in question? According to the Daily Mail, it was none other than Disturbia star Sarah Roemer! (Cue furious shirtless Native Americans running down a dirt road transmogrifying into werewolves and ripping the asshole out of the young starlet.) Will this ruin RPatt's relationship with KStew? Only one way to find out: Stand by while JoSmi (Mormon founder Joseph Smith) reads the future by dropping a magic rock into his hat! (Pause... pause... pause....) Okay... this could take awhile. MEANWHILE... It's simply not enough for "fair and balanced" Fox News to repeatedly lie about and bash the progressive agenda—now they're going after our Muppets? On the network's Follow the Money, host Eric Bolling flipped out on the new Muppets film, accusing it of sending an "anti-corporate message." "They hate corporate America," Bolling railed. "This is what they're teaching our kids. You wonder why we've got a bunch of Occupy Wall Street people walking all around the country, they've been indoctrinated, literally for years by this kind of stuff." While the Muppet movie villain is an evil oil baron named Tex Richman, hasn't the evil rich person trope been around since... oh, we don't know... the BIBLE? Maybe Fox News should take up their concerns with the tiny, left-leaning, money-hating corporation that owns the Muppets, which would be the Walt Disney Company, otherwise known as "the largest media conglomerate in the world in terms of revenue." (Oh, "money." It's not easy being green, is it?)
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 6
Oh no, he didn't! Oh yes, Jesse James did! According to Us magazine, the super gross serial cheater has returned to his humble beginnings on reality TV, and is using the opportunity to diss ex-wifey Sandra Bullock. On last night's episode of American Chopper: The Build-Off, James attempted a half-hearted apology to his fans, saying, "I became a big shot and married some Hollywood actress and didn't talk to anybody anymore, so I feel bad...." Ohhhh, that makes him feel bad? And not screwing around behind Sandy's back with literally dozens of big-boobied slutlets? Look Jesse, if you're going to insult Sandy, don't be so obtuse about it. Make fun of her mustache like the rest of us. MEANWHILE... Rapidly aging pop queen Britney Spears has reportedly fired her personal trainer, Derek DeGrazio, who was allegedly trying to make her eat foods that actually grow in the ground or on trees, rather than being picked up in a handy container from Kentucky Fried Chicken. Sources tell In Touch magazine that "Britney doesn't want to worry about every single thing that goes into her mouth anymore"—which is bad news for french fries, and good news for porcine ex-hubby Kevin Federline, who's probably waiting just outside her door.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 7
30 Rock Star and waffling possible political candidate Alec Baldwin was booted off an American Airlines flight today for apparently playing a game on his phone. Twatted Alec as it was happening, "The flight attendant on American reamed me out for playing [the Scrabble-like] Words with Friends while we sat at the gate, not moving. No wonder American Air is bankrupt." Infuriated by Baldwin's Twatter fit, AA testily responded, claiming that the actor was repeatedly warned to turn off his electronic device, at which point, "The passenger ultimately stood up (with the seatbelt light still on for departure) and took his phone into the plane's lavatory. He slammed the lavatory door so hard, the cockpit crew heard it and became alarmed." Alec was also accused of calling the flight crew "inappropriate names and using offensive language." WHAT? Our Alec Baldwin?? But... but Alec never loses his temper... unless you of course count the time in 1998 when he said former Republican Representative Henry Hyde should be "stoned to death," or when he left a voicemail for his then 11-year-old daughter in 2007 calling her a "thoughtless little pig." But in Alec's defense, he is a celebrity, and that was one very competitive game of Words with Friends!
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8
Today in failed celebrity news: The now-rotund ex-hubby of Britney Spears (that would be Kevin Federline) reportedly collapsed in Australia while competing on the reality game show Excess Baggage (their version of our Celebrity Fit Club). According to doctors, Federline was temporarily suffering from heat stress—while his stomach was suffering from being attached to Kevin Federline. Bada bing. MEANWHILE.... failed celebrities Ashlee "Lip Syncher" Simpson and hubby Pete "Guyliner" Wentz are now officially divorced—meaning we will never have to hear or think of them ever again. (Programming note: The memories of Ashlee and Pete will henceforth be played by Cameron Diaz and P. Diddy.)
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 9
And Lindsay Lohan's back in the news today, this time thanks to much-ballyhooed nudie photos for Playboy that just so happened to be leaked online. The issue—not due on newsstands for another week—contained a pictorial in which Linds did her best Marilyn Monroe impression. We turned to nudie photo enthusiast Hubby Kip for a review of the—ahem—spread, only to find him making comically exaggerated yawning gestures. "As befits the questionable futures of both print media and Ms. Lohan, of course this pedestrian, overly Photoshopped pictorial would err on the side of conservatism," Kip said when pressed for further analysis. "And yet, in the end, can such brazen yet half-hearted attempts at publicity truly satisfy anyone, either sexually or culturally? I mean, c'mon. You can't even see any of her pubes, let alo—" Annnd thanks for your input, honey. MEANWHILE... Men's Health magazine has inexplicably declared the depressingly needy, depressingly horse-faced Jennifer Aniston as the "Hottest Woman of All Time." Wow.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10
The Republican nominee wannabes met up tonight in Des Moines, Iowa, for another awkward debate. Candidates Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich took center stage, and of the two, Gingrich was hailed by many as the winner—though less by what he did right than what Romney did wrong. Mittens—whose personal worth, BTW, is estimated at between $190 and $250 million—decided to prove just how out of touch he was with current economic realities: "Romney made what seemed to many a substantial blunder by offering to wager Texas Governor Rick Perry $10,000 on whether the governor had his facts right about Romney's record," reported NPR. (Ouch. Next time he should only wager with his illegal immigrant yard boy.) MEANWHILE... This weekend was a rough one for Mitt-Mitt all around, as in New Hampshire he decided to sit down with two elderly gentlemen, one of whom was wearing a hat that clearly identified him as a Vietnam veteran. Only one problem: The old dudes were gay, and one of them—the veteran in the hat!—wasted no time in calling out the homophobic Romney. "It's good to know how you feel—that you do not believe everyone is entitled to their constitutional rights," 63-year-old American hero Bob Garon informed an uncomfortable and aghast Romney. Garon later told reporters that he and his husband, Bob Lemire, were married this past June. "In New Hampshire," Garon added. "Where it's legal... unless Mitt Romney gets elected." Hey, Bob and Bob? Congratulations! You win the week this week!
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 11
We're sorry to end the week this way, dears, but there's no way around it: It's time for a Troubling News Roundup™. First up! "It is estimated that of the 20.5 billion pieces of clothing Americans bought last year, 80 percent of those garments had spandex in them," according to NPR. "As the waistlines of Americans have expanded, their clothes have been stretching with them." Well, that doesn't do anyone any good—health wise or fashion wise. Second up! Tulsa police arrested a 45-year-old woman for attempting to make meth... inside a Walmart. The woman had been mixing and matching various chemicals for six hours before people started to get suspicious. "When firefighters were on the scene she made statements to them that is what she was doing, she was attempting to obtain these chemicals and was in the process of trying to manufacture meth," said Tulsa Police Officer David Shelby. "However, she said she was not very good at it." Third up! The New York Times notes that Newt Gingrich seems to have a strange fascination with a "doomsday vision" of an electromagnetic pulse. We thought it wise to talk to professional doomsday purveyor Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII about the issue, but we were quickly thwarted. "Wait, wait, wait," Emperor Klaktu said when reached via holo-vid. "Electromag-whatever! Ann, are you seriously not going to make more of a stink about that Men's Health thing with Jennifer Aniston? Because I'm not even humanoid and I find that just... bewildering. And more than a little troubling. Horse and Rider? Maybe. Men's Health? No... freaking... way."