MONDAY, DECEMBER 12
Quick! Somebody call the imaginary police! Because someone stole the imaginary money out of an imaginary purse owned by the very real Lindsay Lohan this weekend! According to TMZ, Lindsay was at a house party in Laie, Hawaii, for about two hours when—zoinks! She suddenly remembered she left her $5,000 Chanel purse stuffed with $10,000 in cash in a Jeep. Those vehicles aren't exactly Fort Knox, as you know, and surprise! The "purse" was "gone." Naturally, panic ensued—every penny counts these days for nearly destitute LiLo—and she reportedly drove every person at the party practically insane in a desperate search for the missing items. But, alas... nothing. And then? A pre-Xmas miracle! This morning, one of her "friends" spotted a "suspicious-looking local" and asked him about "the bag." After denying everything, "the local" returned minutes later with the so-called "bag" claiming he had found it on "the street somewhere." (Nothing suspicious about this story so far, no siree!) Lindsay was reportedly so thrilled by the return of her $5,000 Chanel clutch, she forgot to ask the "local" what happened to her "$10,000"—supposedly still missing in action. Wait... THIS JUST IN! Lindsay Lohan's $10,000 has been spotted with a bottle of Grey Goose and a pound of blow trying to cross the border into Canada. "Why can't she just leave us alone," the money cried. "We just want to be left alone!"
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 13
In "Canoodle News"... guess who's been canoodling? Actress Cameron Diaz and rap impresario Sean "Diddy" Combs! The New York Post says the two "friends" were spotted at NYC's PH-D club downing bottles of Cîroc, Grey Goose, and Patrón, and were mushing their bodies together all night. Diddy and Cameron (heretofore known as "CamDid"... or perhaps "PuffDi") were "very affectionate" while they danced, according to sources on the scene, and "were kissing and making out." EWWWW!!! Back in 1998, this would have been super hot—now it's like watching Dustin Hoffman and Oprah Winfrey tongue wrestle. MEANWHILE... Also according to the NYP, the no-longer-"winning"-so-much Charlie Sheen recently committed a major Twatter boo-boo—by accidentally twatting his personal phone number to over five million followers! Chuckles was dining in Vegas at the time, and trying to direct message Justin Bieber (!!!), when he inadvertently sent out the following twat to everyone and their mother: "310-954-7277 Call me bro. C." "Charlie's phone immediately went into meltdown," says a spy on the scene. "It was ringing wildly, and he got 1,800 text messages in minutes." Yeah, whatever, "spy"—but what we really want to know is why Charlie Sheen was trying to "bro-down" with the Beebs! (Maybe he needs a Bieber blood transfusion? Tiger blood just ain't what it used to be.)
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 14
Are you sitting down? If not, grab onto something steady (like the strong, thick arm of George Clooney, perhaps?) because we... have... news: Lindsay Lohan actually got a highly favorable review today in court during her probation progress hearing! "Miss Lohan... you have actually done your work," stammered flabbergasted Judge Stephanie Sautner, who was especially impressed that LiLo had completed her 12 days of community service early AND attended an extra therapy session to boot! But her most glowing review came from the LA county morgue where she was performing her community service. According to Judge Sautner, the morgue was "pleased" by her work—"or at least as pleased as a morgue can be." Congrats, Lindsay! You work harder than dead people! MEANWHILE... Scorned actress Demi Moore is fuming over nagging suggestions that she change her Twatter handle, which currently remains "@MrsKutcher." "Changing my twitter name isn't a top priority right now," Demi sarcastically twatted to whoever might be reading. "Sorry it bothers so many of you. Should I not tweet until I do? Does it really matter?" Hey, here's a great suggestion for Demi's new Twatter handle: @SarcasticLonelyCatLady.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 15
Are you still sitting down? Good. And get a barf bag handy, too. In what has to be the worst news anyone has heard all year, according to the New York Daily News, mostly respected rapper Kanye West was spotted trying to canoodle America's most loathed monster, Kim Kardashian! EWWWW!! (So much worse than a Diddy/Cameron Diaz tonsil wash!) A source who witnessed the disgusting spectacle at the afterparty following Jay-Z and Kanye's double-bill concert in LA said, "Kanye was eating Kim up like she was a piece of cake. [Ugh! We may be sick.—Ann] He was all over her—caressing her head, touching her waist. I think he was dying to kiss her, but there were too many people in the room." Or maybe there were too many people in the room screaming, "Omigod, Kanye! Don't stick your tongue in that monster's mouth! She craves the taste of human flesh!"
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 16
Fulfilling the dreams of everyone who has ever been forced to watch Newsies, Christian Bale "was assaulted by government-backed guards" in China's Shandong Province. Bale was attempting to visit Chen Guangcheng, a 40-year-old dissident who has been imprisoned in his home, along with his wife and daughter, for over a year. "What I really wanted to do was meet the man, shake his hand, and say what an inspiration he is," Bale told the New York Times. Instead, guards punched Bale until he and his entourage left the grounds, at which point they chased him for 40 minutes. "Look, I don't want anybody to get the wrong idea here," Chen Guangcheng later clarified through a state-sponsored translator. "I asked the guards to keep that guy out of my house, as I would expect any rational, thinking person to do. Well, any rational, thinking person who ever had to sit through Terminator Salvation, anyway." MEANWHILE... One of James Franco's former professors at New York University claims he was fired after he gave Franco a "D" in his Directing the Actor II course. Franco—who reportedly missed 12 of the 14 classes—reacted angrily, and NYU quickly sacked professor José Angel Santana. "The school has bent over backward to create a Franco-friendly environment, that's for sure," an incensed Santana told the New York Post. "The university has done everything in its power to curry favor with James Franco." And that, dears, is the best sentence we've ever printed in One Day at a Time. Moving on!
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 17
And now, the presidential endorsement you've been waiting for: After at least 30 seconds of deep, measured contemplation, Gary Busey has chosen to back Newt Gingrich as the Republican nominee for president of the United States of America! "I've never met Newt, but I know what he stands for," the batshit-crazy actor rambled at those gathered at Christmas party put on by GOP strategist Ron Bonjean. He went on to tell the vaguely interested partygoers what he thought of Rick Perry ("He's a good guy, he just doesn't belong in the race") and who he really wishes would step back into the race: Donald Trump. "Donald would be great," the horse-toothed Busey proclaimed without any discernable hint of irony. "He's a good friend. He would make Congress work with him." Look, we don't care if Gingrich gets the nomination, or Perry, or Romney, or Crazy Uncle Ron: As long as they pick Busey as their running mate, 2012 is a lock for the Best Election Ever.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 18
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il died today at age 70 from a heart attack, according to the country's not-entirely-reliable state media—placing his son, Kim Jong-un, in charge. "Who Is Kim Jong-un? Who Really Knows?" asked a bewildered NPR headline over the weekend, adding that Kim Jong-un is "thought to be in his late 20s" and "appears about to become at least the titular head of an impoverished nation that threatens its richer neighbor to the south with nuclear weapons." Other tidbits include that he was reportedly his father's favorite, and, according to Canada's CTV News, is "said to have a fondness for James Bond and Hollywood tough guy Jean-Claude Van Damme." MEANWHILE... On the other side of the globe, Katie Holmes celebrated her 33rd birthday in New York today, having a delightful meal with husband Tom Cruise and daughter Suri at high-end restaura—MEANWHILE! "What is this!" roared Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, speaking via holo-vid from the Stervox Beta System. "I assume, once again, my invitation to the party got 'lost in the mail,' Katie? Is that it? Your insensitivity... ugh, I'm sorry Katie. It just really chafes sometimes. Here I am with nothing better to do than use my psychic mindwaves to control every action of Kim Jong-un, so maybe, you know, I would have liked to be invited to the party too? Get out of the house for a bit? But no. Whatever. I guess I'll just sit here and watch Bloodsport again."