MONDAY, DECEMBER 26
"I Was Gaga's Slave!" blares the headline from today's New York Post, which doesn't sound all that bad to us—it could be Kim Kardashian, after all. The story revolves around 41-year-old former personal assistant Jennifer O'Neill, who claims she's owed hundreds of thousands of dollars for the alleged torture she endured while in Gaga's employ. Exactly what kind of torture, you ask? Well! While accompanying Gaga during the pop singer's 2010 Monster Ball Tour, O'Neill claims she was asked to ensure "the availability of chosen outfits," work without breaks for meals "or at times even sleep," and... brace yourself, dearies... "ensuring the promptness of a towel following a shower." EEEEEEE!!! Oh, the humanity! (Maybe O'Neill can get a job as Kim Kardashian's personal assistant. We'll be happy to provide the syphilis-covered, broken glass-encrusted towel.) MEANWHILE... According to TMZ, spurned wifey Maria Shriver is second-guessing her decision to divorce muscle-bound Austrian no-goodnik Arnold Schwarzenegger. You may recall Shriver filed for divorce back in July, moving out and into a new Brentwood mansion. So why the second thoughts? Sources tell TMZ that she's torn "because of her strong religious beliefs that do not include divorce." Apparently Shriver is Catholic, which means... "HOLD ON JUST A SECOND," intoned a furious God, bellowing down from Heaven. "Maria Shriver is not going to hang this one on me! Two things: (1) Arnold Schwarzenegger is a scumbag, and Maria should've divorced him years ago, and (2) I didn't create the universe or make any of its 'laws.' You can blame Ryan Seacrest for that."
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 27
What's the latest scoop with Kris Humphries, the lumbering loser who married and subsequently divorced Kim Kardashian after only 72 days? He's back to playing basketball for the New Jersey Nets, where he successfully led his team to a 90-84 victory over the Washington Wizards—and he has the booing fans to thank! Running onto the court, Humphries was met with a loud chorus of "boos" from the crowd, which Humphries claims helped him win. "To me, it's motivation," the giant oaf mumbled following the game. "People are yelling at you, you know you have to perform, go and play hard." Oh, is that all it takes? BOOO, KIM KARDASHIAN! BOOOO!!! DO A GOOD JOB AND STAB YOUR UGLY FACE OFF!!! BOOOOOOO!!! MEANWHILE... Is the marriage between pop songstress Katy Perry and actor/comedian Russell Brand officially KAPUT? The Daily Mail giddily squeals that the pair spent their Christmas 7,000 miles apart—Katy frolicking in the tropical surf of Hawaii, while Russell moped over a pint of grog in Cornwall, England. But don't worry, lovers of romance! The squabbling pair vehemently denies any accusation that their marriage is in trouble, and as One Day readers already know, married celebrities never lie about anything. So sayeth the lord, thy god, Ryan Seacrest.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 28
Today's scandal du jour comes to us once again from serial philanderer Ashton "Show Me Your Cootch" Kutcher. Apparently recovered from his tearful, begging-for-forgiveness split from Demi Moore, Das Kutcher was spotted doing some Christmas canoodling in Italy with a brand-spankin'-new gal pal. According to Us magazine's snoopy spy, Kutchy was spotted tooling around Italy with screenwriter Lorene Scafaria (last seen dating The O.C.'s Adam Brody), visiting the Tower of Pisa and having a romantic lunch where they "held hands, shared spaghetti, and he paid." Umm... is that supposed to show some measure of improvement? Hey Lorene! Make sure he pays for the condoms, too! MEANWHILE... Russell Brand and Katy Perry are still in deep public denial that their relationship is on the skids—even though Us is claiming that their Christmas vacay apart was inspired by a huge argument. "They had a massive fight," an insider told the magazine. "She was like, 'Fuck you. I'm going to do my own thing.' Russell replied, 'Fine, fuck you too.' The fighting is getting worse." So why are these two crazy kids scrapping like cats and dogs? Says another source, "Katy doesn't think Russell respects her parents' Christian beliefs." "WHAT?? Again??" bellowed God. "Why do these people keep dragging me into their relationships? For the last time, I... do...not... CARE! Take it up with Ryan Seacrest, for me's sake."
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 29
Move over Kim Kardashian! Former pop star Sinéad O'Connor can now lay claim to the quickiest marriage/divorce of the year! O'Connor has announced the dissolution of her marriage to fourth hubby Barry Herridge after a mere 16 days of matrimonial non-bliss. "It felt like I was living in a coffin," said Sinéad, the eternal optimist. "It was going to be a coffin for both of us, and I saw him crushed." Inspired by Sinéad's confession, we asked Hubby Kip if our marriage ever felt like a coffin. "Huh? Wha? Sorry, sweetie, I'm playing Skyrim," Hubby Kip murmured, refusing to look up from his Doritos-dusted videogame controller. "Did you say you wanna do a three-way with Katy Perry?" MEANWHILE... Sigh. MEANWHILE... E! News reports that sources close to the couple say Katy Perry and Russell Brand are experiencing "serious problems," and have been "spending a lot of time apart." This directly conflicts with Brand's earlier assertions that the rumors are "just rumors" and "the internet is a wicked little liar." Translated from Hollywoodese, this actually means, "Marital implosion in three... two... one...."
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 30
Brace yourselves, dears. We have some very unexpected news. "Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage," Russell Brand said today, shocking the world. "I'll always adore her and I know we'll remain friends." As mentioned earlier, sources told Us magazine that their marital tension stemmed from religion, while TMZ suspects things were rough from the beginning: "Russell was much more of a homebody than Katy. Katy loved going out and partying, while Russell (who is sober) doesn't enjoy the scene at all." TMZ also claims that Katy made Russell file the paperwork. "Since Katy's parents are evangelical Christians, we're told she didn't want to be the one to 'officially' end the marriage by filing the docs... since she was raised to believe divorce is wrong." (At least according to Ryan Seacrest.) But divorce might be ever so right for Brand, who, ABC News notes, could soon be "$20 million richer, thanks to California law and the couple's reported decision not to sign a prenuptial agreement when they tied the knot 14 months ago." Phew. That's a lot of money, a lot of fallout, and a lot of things no one could ever, ever see coming. Here's hoping the new year will let everyone—Katy, Russell, all of us—put this devastating, unprecedented event behind us. In Seacrest's name we pray, amen.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 31
Not to sound uncouth (we know you have such lofty expectations of us!), but friendly reminder: Rick Santorum is a dick. With all the jokes about his name being a synonym for anal froth, it's good to remember why "Santorum" became a euphemism in the first place: He's a bigoted homophobe. When recently asked by MSNBC's Chuck Todd how he'd treat married gay couples should he be elected president, Santorum matter-of-factly noted, "Well, their marriage would be invalid." Thanks for the reminder, dick. MEANWHILE... Today Barack Obama signed the National Defense Authorization Act into law, causing three things: (1) allowing the indefinite detention, without trial, of American citizens suspected of terrorism, (2) pulling off a pretty convincing George W. Bush impression, and (3) disappointing his remaining supporter for the 4,273rd time. Um, at least he's not Santorum? MEANWHILE... And to round out today's batch of wearying political news, we turn to a recent New York Times story that notes "nearly half of all members of Congress—250 in all" are millionaires. "Largely insulated from the country's economic downturn since 2008, members of Congress—many of them among the 'one percenters' denounced by Occupy Wall Street protesters—have gotten much richer even as most of the country has become much poorer in the last six years." Oof. First Katy and Russell, now this, and we can all be detained indefinitely? Can 2011 just be over already?
SUNDAY, JANUARY 1
Yes, it can! Eff you, 2011—you were the worst. Luckily, 2012 is already off to an inspiring start, with the entire world turning over a new leaf and things looking a whole lot bette—WAIT... Please hold. "Cops were called to Lindsay Lohan's Venice Beach pad earlier this evening—after a strange, unidentified man came a-knockin'," TMZ reports, adding that "Lindsay freaked the hell out" to find someone at her door. (That urgent story, by the way, boasted the headline, "Lindsay Lohan: Cops Called to LA Home over Rogue Door Knocker.") Well, maybe from here on out 2012 will—THIS JUST IN... "So... does this mean Katy Perry's, like... available?" said a local man who may or may not be Hubby Kip. "Because I would totally do her, if that's cool. That'd be cool with you, right?" MEANWHILE... Sigh.