MONDAY, JANUARY 9
Last Monday, we wrote the following: "This weekend, Jay-Z and Beyonce had a baby gitl and promptly named her 'Blue Ivy.' For the record: This is the last time we will ever acknowledge that there is a person on this planet named, we repeat, 'Blue Ivy.'" We really shouldn't make promises like that—especially since tabloid sleaze is our bread and butter, and Blue Ivy is already off to such a disturbing start! "Bluvy"—That's her new One Day at a Time name. Like it?—made her grand appearance in a very posh, specially constructed $1.3 million celebrity birthing room in NYC's Lennox Hill Hospital, with a detail of earpiece-wearing security people blocking off the hallway outside. Naturally, this infuriated the new mothers who didn't have a Bluvy poking out of their vaheenas, and who claimed Beyoncé's labor was taking all the fun out of their excruciating pain. According to the New York Daily News, one father in particular was enraged, claiming Bluvy's security detail was blocking the intensive care unit where his newborn twins were stationed. Roared new daddy lion Neil Coulon, "These are children with problems in intensive care and you're just going to take over the hospital like you own it?" In her first ever press release, Li'l Bluvy issued the following response: "Yeah, actually I do own it... along with half the city of New York. And the only reason you're even living here is because my mommy and daddy allow it. In case you didn't know, their names are Beyoncé and Jay-Z. Perhaps you've heard of them?" This is going to be trouble.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 10
More info on how Blue "Bluvy" Ivy is worth more now than you ever will in 1,000 lifetimes: Not only was Bluvy born in a state-of-the-art delivery room—complete with four flat-screen TVs, kitchenette, fancy art, plush furniture, mahogany walls, and diamond encrusted forceps (okay, we made that last one up)—things got even fancier when Bluvy arrived home to her spacious Tribeca apartment! According to the New York Post, Papa Z and Mama B have so far spent a whopping $1.5 million in gifts on bouncing baby Blue, including a solid-gold handmade Japanese rocking horse (only $600,000), a "$15,000 highchair dripping with Swarovski crystals (sounds uncomfortable... stock up on Band-Aids), and TWO super fancy cribs: one made of solid Lucite (retailing at $3,500) as well as a "fantasy" coach-like Cinderella-style bed from PoshTots (priced at a mere $20,000). Naturally, Bluvy took one look at her new nursery, and had this to say: "Ummm... the beds are ohhhh-kay... but. Where exactly are my 500-thread count Pratesi linens made from only the purest 100 percent Egyptian cotton? ON ORDER? Oh. Okay. So until I get the sheets an infant of my status deserves, why don't you to take this sandpaper out of my crib, and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM. (Slam!)" That was, umm, the door slamming, and... yeah. You get the idea.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11
Could it be possible? Could Khloe Kardashian—Kim's fat little sister—not be a true Kardashian? According to the rumor mills grinding away over at Star magazine, Robert Kardashian's ex-wife and widow are claiming that Daddy K had previously expressed doubt that Khloe sprang from his biological loins. "Khloe is not his kid—[Robert] told me that after we got married," says ex-wifey Jan Ashley. "Robert did question the fact that Khloe was his," widow Ellen Kardashian agreed, adding, "Any normal man would if they knew their wife had cheated on him." (The "cheater" Ellen is referring to is TV mom Kris Jenner, who has admitted to some out-of-wedlock sexual canoodling during her marriage to Robert.) Naturally, Khloe is taking these accusations well. "The audacity you have to mention my father's name like this!" Khloe screeched into her Twatter machine. "Should be ashamed of urself! I let a lot of things slide but this one is really low... YOU ARE DISGUSTING!" IN A RELATED STORY... Baby Blue "Bluvy" Ivy has offered to purchase Khloe Kardashian some "actual biological parents," saying, "Everyone can't be as lucky as me! I hear that Casey Anthony and JonBenét Ramsey's dad is available. Think they'll accept a check?"
THURSDAY, JANUARY 12
And now, your "Headline of the Century" courtesy of Deadline TV: "Lindsay Lohan in Talks to Play Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime Movie." WowohwowohwowohWOW! Obviously America needs this to happen—but first we should make the case of why it should happen. Reason one: Lindsay and Liz are actually very similar. "Both had domineering stage mothers, little semblance of a childhood, fame from a young age, substance abuse issues, public emotional outpourings, and copious amounts of tabloid drama," says Slate. Reason two: She needs the money! "The IRS hit Lohan with a big, fat tax lien, claiming she failed to fork over $93,000 in federal income taxes from 2009," TMZ reported today. And reason three: "I'm thinking about freezing over hell," the dark lord Satan proclaimed from the fiery depths. "And this seems like as good a reason as any."
FRIDAY, JANUARY 13
"Conflict between rich and poor now eclipses racial strain and friction between immigrants and native-born as the greatest source of tension in American society," the New York Times wrote earlier this week, pointing to the painfully obvious findings of a study by the Pew Research Center. While logical people would believe this is the sort of divide that naturally develops whenever a huge slice of the population hasn't been able to find work for years, at least one of the Republican presidential wannabes—Mitt Romney—thinks it's less about numbers and more about poor people being jealous. "I think it's about envy. I think it's about class warfare," Romney recently insisted to Matt Lauer. "I think when you have a president encouraging the idea of dividing America based on the idea of 99 percent versus one percent, and those people who've been most successful will be in the one percent, you've opened up a whole new wave of approach in this country which is entirely inconsistent with the concept of 'one nation under God.'" No, dears, that sentence doesn't make much sense, but we're still impressed with Romney's buzzword-y ability to pander to the very people he's calling petty failures. Oh! FYI, Romney's personal worth is estimated to be somewhere around $200 million. Not sure if that's relevant or not.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 14
Today over 100 Evangelical leaders met in Brenham, Texas, for cookies, punch, and a Jesus-filled summit to declare who shall be anointed the next president of the United States! No, no, wait—that should have said "who they want to be the next president of the United States." Their depressing pick? Proud homophobe Rick Santorum, whom the Jesus freaks pray will spurt forth to unseat the GOP frontrunner, sinister Mormon Mitt Romney. "The extent to which those attending the meeting will be able to mobilize their followers behind Mr. Santorum is unclear," the New York Times noted—perhaps because those at the Illuminati-like meeting are just a teensy bit out of touch, as, regardless of political stripe, most Americans can agree we no longer live in 1692 and we probably shouldn't burn a woman if she speaks. (Unless that woman is Kim Kardashian, in which case everyone from Pat Robertson to Michael Moore is pretty okay with any sort of burning.)
SUNDAY, JANUARY 15
As the final bit of news in a jam-packed political weekend, sane and moderate GOP candidate Jon Huntsman dropped out of the—eh, whatever. Huntsman didn't have a chance in hell anyway, thanks to that unfortunate conversation at a Taco Bell on March 11, 1988, when he publicly acknowledged that science existed. AND BESIDES... Way prettier people were in Los Angeles, doing it up at the utterly irrelevant Golden Globes! "For any of you who don't know, the Golden Globes are just like the Oscars, but without all that esteem," host Ricky Gervais joked. "The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton: a bit louder, a bit trashier, a bit drunker, and more easily bought." Since the awards themselves were stultifying boring, let's check in on our future husband, George Clooney, to see how he fared this eveni—WHAT? "George Clooney and Stacy Keibler only have eyes for each other on the red carpet," lied x17online.com, alongside a clearly Photoshopped picture of the remarkably handsome Clooney doting on that horrible shrew he's still with for some reason. UGH. Somebody change the subject! MEANWHILE... "Kim Kardashian was watching when Ricky Gervais unloaded on her at the Golden Globes last night," reports TMZ—and while Kardashian's friends claimed she "thought it was hilarious," she made it clear that the joke about her drinking was "inaccurate, because she hardly drinks." UGH, AGAIN. Hey, Kim? Come over here and help us out with this bonfire for a moment, would you?