MONDAY, JANUARY 23
It's a celebrity collapse-a-thon! Last week, movie star Gene Hackman collapsed after being hit by a car while riding his bike. (And he wasn't even in Portland! And yes, he's okay!) Then 30 Rock comedian (and occasional homophobe) Tracy Morgan collapsed on Sunday after receiving an award at Sundance—at which point his publicist jumped in front of the clicking cameras screaming, "It's not alcohol related! It's altitude sickness! Repeat: NOT... ALCOHOL... RELATED!" But the best celeb collapse of the week (so far, anyway) has to go to romantically scorned actress Demi Moore who reportedly had a seizure and fell unconscious after snorting too many "whip-its." (Is that how you "do" whip-its? Snort them? How would we know anyway? We're not 15!) Anyway, according to multiple sources, after a friend dialed 911, the recently divorced star was whisked off to a hospital and then to... wait for it... rehab, where she is now being treated for "exhaustion" according to her entirely truthful publicist who never, ever lies. Yeah, snorting all those whip-its must be exhausting, especially when you put that on top of homework, a full work schedule at Burger King, and applying multiple layers of Proactiv. GIRL, YOU ARE NOT 15!!! MEANWHILE... Don't worry, according to TMZ, ex-hubby Ashton Kutcher is keeping a close eye on Demi's situation... while partying in São Paulo, Brazil, at a nightclub following a Bruno Mars concert. SON, YOU ARE NOT 23!!!
TUESDAY, JANUARY 24
As promised—after weeks of delays and excuses—GOP presidential wannabe Mitt Romney has finally released his tax records. And unsurprisingly these records show that Mittens has more money than Midas (somewhere in the affluent, gated neighborhood of a quarter of a billion... but who's counting) and yet only pays 14 percent in taxes, which is somewhat less than the maximum 35 percent paid by other similarly rich assholes. In fact, his tax records show he made $45 million over the past two years, and has offshore investments worth somewhere between $7 million and $32 million stashed away in the Cayman Islands—but! But before you accuse Mittens of being a money-grabbing, job-destroying, a-hole hog, rest assured he's still giving 10 percent of his earnings to the LDS church, which is a lot of money—and that means everyone in heaven will be getting Mormon underwear. (He's like a Mormon Oprah!) MEANWHILE... The Daily Mail is reporting that our little pony Jennifer Aniston is tired of kicking around in the Hollywood stable, and will temporarily quit acting to concentrate on having a foal of her own. A source close to the stall says that Aniston is putting her hoof down, and will be focusing solely on getting inseminated (with a little stud help from current stallion Justin Theroux), while refusing to book any movie roles for "the foreseeable future." (This is because she didn't get the lead role in War Horse, isn't it?)
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 25
And the hunt for Khloe Kardashian's real father continues! As breathlessly reported for the past two weeks, the chunkiest Kardashian is hilariously furious over reports that she may not be the biological daughter of the late Robert Kardashian. Last week, the internet was abuzz with rumors that she might be the daughter of papa Kardashian's former client and acquitted murderer O.J. Simpson—which while wondrous, is just too good to be true, isn't it? This week there's a less funny, but more rational explanation: Khloe may actually be the daughter of mom Kris Jenner's former hairstylist! Hollywoodite.com reports that West Hollywood hairdresser Alex Roldan could be Khloe's real pop—even though they don't offer much proof other than Kris and Alex were hair buddies in the '80s, and Khloe sort of kinda looks like him. (Which is to say "not very attractive." Ooh! Has anybody tested Arnold Schwarzenegger yet?)
THURSDAY, JANUARY 26
For those worried about the poor, sexless love life of actor/comedian Russell Brand who recently split from hotsy pop star Katy Perry—fear not! According to Us magazine, Russell has "bevy of new beauties" at his beck and call—a fact that has "incensed" ex-wifey Katy... especially since he's talking a substantial amount of trash. "[Russell's] spoken terribly about Katy to [his new girlfriends]," a source gabs, adding that he's already got his eye on one gal he'd like to shack up with. IN A RELATED STORY... Men, without exception, are terrible. MEANWHILE... Teen Disney star Miley Cyrus celebrated the birthday of hunky BF Liam Hemsworth (star of the upcoming Hunger Games flick) by presenting him with a huge penis cake. She then posed for pictures next to the cake and pretended to fellate it. IN A RELATED STORY... Miley Cyrus, without exception, is terrible.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 27
Demi Moore is dead! Demi Moore is dead! Oh, wait. Never mind! "A rumor that the recently hospitalized actress has died is spreading on Twitter," reports gossipcop.com, pointing to the fact that "RIP Demi Moore" was a trending topic—before assuring Moore's fan that no, she's alive! "It is 100 percent false," gossipcop.com frantically insisted. "She's NOT dead. Moore is struggling with her health at the moment—but very much alive." "Argh, so close!" the Grim Reaper said when asked for comment. "I figured if I just twatted #RIPDemiMoore fast enough, I could save myself the trouble of actually killing her. But no. Now I've got to go all the way out there, probably have to make small talk with Bruce or Ashton or whoever it is she's seeing now and... ugh. Maybe I'll just watch New Girl instead." MEANWHILE... "I've tried to give them the same thing [I had], just in a bigger house." That's how J.Lo explained her parenting technique to Matt Lauer this weekend, insisting that despite being a kazillionaire, she still tries to raise her kids as if they were "growing up Puerto Rican in the Bronx [in a] lower-middle-class family." As celebitchy.com points out, these are the same children that (1) J.Lo keeps in a nautical-themed, chandelier-festooned nursery, (2) pushes around in a $3,000 stroller, and (3) hires out to be tiny little Gucci models. (Hubby Kip! Pack up the Prius! If that's what life is like in the Bronx, we're moving!)
SATURDAY, JANUARY 28
"I come at space from a standpoint of a romantic belief that it really is part of our destiny," Newt Gingrich told Florida residents earlier this week (many of whom—coincidentally, we're sure—happen to work in the space and aeronautics industries). "By the end of my second term, we will have the first permanent base on the moon, and it will be American." Gingrich also revealed that when he served in the House, he authored a bill that would make such a lunar colony America's 51st state once it had 13,000 residents. "YES, NEWT, TELL THEM!" Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII broad-beamed over the galactic holo-matrix. "AT LAST WE SHALL REVEAL OURSELVES TO THE HUMANS! AT LAST WE SHALL HAVE OUR REVENGE!" Klaktu then took a deep breath of nito-aether before noticeably relaxing. "I'm sorry for screeching, it's just... you just cannot imagine how hard it's been to get him to stay on message about this," he sighed. "But I keep telling him: Until Suri's Star Empire is ready for its Righteous Queen, we must do all we can to prepare! Do not be content with Washington, Newt! Aim for the moon! For Mars! For the stars! Those prime-directive-loving freaks in the Thetan Alliance shall never know what hit them! And what will hit them will be millions of Earth-forged, adamantium-encased photon torpedoes! BEHOLD A NEW ERA IN EARTH HISTORY, HUMANOIDS! BEHOLD NEWT, A RULER THAT SHALL MAKE ANDROMEDA AND ORION TREMBLE IN THEIR CELESTIAL TEMPLES AND SHAKE THE VERY HEAV—" MEANWHILE... Back on Earth, every scientist ever slowly placed their head in their hands. "Shit," one of them was heard to mutter. "He's on our side. Well, there goes that, then."
SUNDAY, JANUARY 29
"A Giorgio Armani-clad George Clooney couldn't keep his hands off gorgeous gal pal Stacy Keibler, who dazzled in a black lace Marchesa gown, Jimmy Choo shoes, Palladium and Jacob and Co. jewels, and a Judith Leiber clutch at the Screen Actors Guild Awards," lied x17online.com today, underneath the clearly false headline "GEORGE CLOONEY AND STACY KEIBLER: PDA AT THE SAG AWARDS!" Obviously, this is yellow journalism at its absolute worst, there is not a single bit of truth to any of it, and we hereby offer our undying gratitude to whoever brings us the severed head of that soulless harpy Keibler, who does not deserve anything of what she has, let alone our darling George—and certainly not those Jimmy Choos.