MONDAY, JANUARY 30
After years of secretly despising her ability to bag young, hot men, the tabs are teeing off on Demi Moore! Us magazine is labeling her recent "whip-it"-inspired collapse as "Demi's Desperate Struggle" that, according to their most recent cover, involves "wild parties" and "chasing boys younger than Ashton." What types of "boys," you may ask with a rather ugly seductive sneer on your face? Well, how about High School Musical's hunky 'n' hot 24-year-old Zac Efron for starters? Besides guzzling Red Bull-and-pills cocktails, a source tells Us that the 49-year-old starlet has been "surrounding herself with young people to make her feel better" which of course includes flirting with the dreamy Efron (a full nine years younger than former hubby Ashton "Grandpa" Kutcher). Plus! Snoopy spies also say that just prior to her breakdown, a "wired, gaunt" Demi went looking for and tracked down Zac at an LA party where she appeared "out of her mind." So far no word on Dem's current whereabouts, other than that she's been receiving "spiritual counseling." (Isn't that what Catholic priests call it when they go after little boys?) MEANWHILE... Speaking of fresh meat, teen pop star Justin Bieber has made it well known that he'd love to follow in the acting footsteps of his idol Marky "Mark" Wahlberg and star in a remake of his creepy stalker movie Fear, which also originally featured a young Reese Witherspoon. When informed of Bieber's intentions by MTV News, Reese responded, "Would he be playing me or Mark Wahlberg?" OHHHH, BURRRRRRRN. That was a good one, Reese. It's nice to see your wit is just as sharp as your chin. (Burrrrrrrrn.)
TUESDAY, JANUARY 31
Today in "We hate that bitch" news... The headline from Us says it all: "Kim Kardashian Dyes Her Hair!" According to the monster's Twatter feed that included a picture of the new 'do, "I dyed my hair lighter yesterday! I'm loving it! New hair color = new beginnings for me. You like?" First of all Kim, thank you for notifying us that you dyed your hair—otherwise we might have wondered, "Who's that ugly monster bitch with light hair that looks like that other ugly monster bitch Kim Kardashian?" Secondly, your hair looks like shit. Thirdly, next time try dying your soul. Fourthly, and on second thought, just die. MEANWHILE IN OTHER "WE HATE THAT BITCH" NEWS... The second worst ugly monster bitch in the world (that would be Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls and judge for the terrible reality contest The X Factor) has been FIRED. According to The Hollywood Reporter, producers of The X Factor rightly recognized that Nicole had all the personality of an infected hangnail, and gave her the boot (along with host Steve Jones, and co-judge/funnier-when-she-was-high-on-pills Paula Abdul). This is obviously fantastic news, and could only be improved if Nicole and Kim entered into a hair-dying suicide pact, because—yeah, we hate those bitches.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 1
In political news that will surely shock you to your core, the world's richest political candidate Mittens Romney declared to CNN, and we quote, "I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. If it needs repair, I'll fix it." Naturally, Romney later attempted to clarify his extremely callous remark by saying, "Well, you had to finish the sentence. I said I'm not concerned about the very poor that have the safety net, but if it has holes in it, I will repair them." (Yeah, that's kind of exactly what he said the first time. But we get it! Mittens really, really, REALLY does not care about the poor. Unless maybe he'd like to clarify that further?) MEANWHILE... Addiction and recovery blog The Fix recently dug up a 2009 restraining order request filed by then 17-year-old Frances Bean Cobain against her mother Courtney Love, accusing her of being an "unstable maternal figure" (Ummmm, ya think?!?), and accidentally causing the death of their family's pets. The order stated that their cat died after "getting entangled in Love's messy piles of Etsy fabrics, boxes of paperwork, trash, and other possessions," while the dog perished after ingesting Love's numerous prescription pills. Because of this, Frances Bean also requested another name on the restraining order for possible protection: the current family dog, "Uncle Fester." In response, "Uncle Fester" requested a separate court hearing, saying, "Bow wow wow wow WOW!" (Translated: "Actually, I'd prefer 'emancipation,' thankyouverymuch.")
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 2
Today in "Oopsy": When famed breast cancer charity Susan G. Komen for the Cure decided this week to pull funding for Planned Parenthood (after increased pressure from anti-abortion advocates) they experienced a veritable shitstorm of criticism from women's groups, politicians, and even their own affiliates. "Susan Komen [who died of breast cancer in 1980, and inspired the foundation] would not give in to bullies or to fear," wrote famous children's book author Judy Blume. "Too bad the foundation bearing her name did." The good news? Today Komen apologized for their actions, and dropped their plan to eliminate Planned Parenthood's funding. Even better, the brouhaha managed to raise a whopping $3 million in donations for Planned Parenthood from concerned and infuriated supporters. See? The internet is good for something other than easily downloadable porn and cute kittens. Also... JUDY BLUME!! Squeeeeeal!
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 3
Sigh. Okay. Dears, we're just going to get this out of the way. It's one of those stories that the Local Gossipmongers Union Local 2212 absolutely requires us to write about, but trust us: We don't like this any more than you do. Here we go. THIS WEEKEND ON JERSEY SHORE... America's creepy little living troll doll, Snooki, had a teeny accident. As thesuperficial.com noted in its Pulitzer-worthy coverage of the momentous episode, Snooks "just literally starts peeing all over the dance floor of a club before going to the ladies' room and spraying her hooch with perfume before anyone can figure out it was her." You still with us, dears? Good because there's more, and we can't deal with it all on our own: "It's almost impressive how quickly she moves," the Superficial adds, "until you realize she's done this before and left God knows how many victims in her piss-wake." MEANWHILE... "FINALLY!" said Fergie. "Finally, another D-list celebrity has an 'accident' in public! Now will you shameless gossipmongers please stop making fun of me for peeing my pants onstage in 2009? Will you? Will you?!" (Confidential to "F": No. Never forget.)
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 4
So that "spiritual counseling" Demi Moore was getting earlier this week? Didn't quite cut it! According to E!, Demi spent this weekend checking into "the ultra-posh Cirque Lodge addiction treatment center in Sundance, Utah"—a fantastic vacation spot that loyal One Day readers might remember has hosted Lindsay Lohan, Kirsten Dunst, and one of the Olsen twins (we're too lazy to look up which one. Like it matters). At $26,000 a month, Cirque might not be cheap... but it's also buried deep enough in the Rocky Mountains that Ashton Kutcher probably won't bother hiring a Sherpa and climbing his way in for a visit, in which case 26 thou seems like a bargain.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 5
Like most Americans who're wise enough to not live in a flyover state, our knowledge of football is limited to Coach Taylor's inspirational speeches and Tim Riggins' rippling abs. Not that knowing what the eff a first down or whatevs is would've helped us understand the assault on good taste that was Madonna's 14-hour-long Super Bowl halftime show, in which the leathery former pop star doddered onto the field flanked by an army of oiled-down, 'roided-up Roman soldiers who somehow managed to be even gayer than 300. Lip syncing her way though a monotone medley of her '80s oldies, the Material Spinster also trotted out a marching band, Cee Lo, some dude on a tightrope who looked an awful lot like Richard Simmons, and giant sparkly letters that read "WORLD PEACE." (Way to use your global audience to make a meaningful statement, Madge.) Oh! And she also brought out M.I.A., an actual famous singer who, in the grand tradition of Super Bowl halftime shows, managed to do something controversial—in this case, she briefly flipped off the show's 111 million viewers. "The obscene gesture in the performance was completely inappropriate, very disappointing, and we apologize to our fans," said panicky NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy, making the whole thing sound a whole lot more interesting than it was. NBC spokesman Christopher McCloskey freaked the freak out too, insisting, "Our system was late to obscure the inappropriate gesture and we apologize to our viewers." Truly: an international crisis. Unfortunately the halftime show's 111 million viewers could not be reached for comment, as they were fat, drunk, and asleep in their Barcaloungers.