MONDAY, FEBRUARY 6
More proof that people—and especially celebrities—who watch football are mentally insane: Apparently some team called "the Patriots" lost yesterday's Super Bowl, because they forgot one of the game's basic tenets: In order to win, one must catch the ball. This observation was not lost on Gisele Bündchen, the model/hottie wife of Patriot quarterback Tom Brady, who was overheard screeching after the game, "My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time! I can't believe they dropped the ball so many times." Did you hear that, Patriot players? Not only are you a failure at catching balls, you'll also never have a trophy wife as hot as Tom Brady. (She should really be a motivational speaker.) MEANWHILE... In a truly sad attempt to convince someone... anyone!... she has morals, the ugliest monster bitch in the world Kim Kardashian is starting a—wait for it—BIBLE STUDY GROUP. (We'll pause to allow you time to finish laughing and/or gagging.) Naturally, two questions immediately pop to mind: (1) What kind of a god would allow this to happen? Answer: The same god who allows the existence of Kim Kardashian and leukemia. And: (2) What kind of idiot would attend a Kim Kardashian Bible study group? Answer: Ladies and gentlemen, we give you country singer/philanderer LeAnn Rimes. Now, you may remember LeAnn from her highly publicized scandal in which she cheated on hubby Dean Sheremet with actor Eddie Cibrian, famously saying, "I hate that people got hurt... but I don't regret the outcome." So maybe it's perfect that LeAnn and Kim are studying the Bible together—after all, they make up two of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 7
It's final, guys! Pop kitten Katy Perry and limey sex fiend Russell Brand are legally splitzo! According to Radar Online, the divorce papers were signed today—prompting Katy to draw a smiley face after her signature (no, we're not kidding, and OMG, what is she, 12?). Perhaps more shockingly, Brand is taking the high road and refusing to abscond with any of Katy's mountains of moolah. That's especially lucky for Ms. Perry, because even though the pair pooh-poohed prenuptial agreements, California law still allows Brand 50 percent of whatever Katy earned during their marriage, which adds up to... let's see... a whopping $22 million! Gulp! (Note to Hubby Kip: If we ever divorce, you'll be writing us a check with a lot of zeroes. And every one will contain a frowny face.) MEANWHILE... More of those never-ending Republican caucuses happened tonight, but this time presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney ended up with his face covered in Rick Santorum. The former senator and "frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex," won big in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota, which once again threw the Republican race into turmoil, and inspired the rest of us to say, "Ha. Ha. Ha." Appearing on the show Fox and Friends, Santorum summarized his surprising squirt of victory thusly: "We felt it, we felt it coming." (Feel free at this point to take a long hot shower.)
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 8
The "Rick Santorum of entertainment" Nicole Scherzinger—former Pussycat Doll, judge for The X Factor, and grotesque sea hag—finally spoke to reporters today on the subject of being FIRED (ha ha ha) from her TV reality show. "All I know is that I gave 110 percent to that show," Nicole said, probably in a screechy witch voice. "Love me or hate me, but the one thing you can't say is that I didn't give it my all." We appreciate that, Nicole, and expect you to keep "giving it your all" in your new career as a shampoo girl at Supercuts who makes ends meet by giving strangers handjobs in the bathroom of a gas station. NEXT!!
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 9
You know... it's becoming increasingly difficult to become Beyoncé's BFF—especially when that skinny ogress Gwyneth Paltrow keeps trying to buy her way into her heart! Sure, we'll not bajillionaires like Beyoncé and Gwyneth—but we thought our present for new bouncing baby Blue Ivy (a onesie with a picture of bald Britney Spears swinging a golf umbrella—$12.75 on Etsy) was a fun gift. And yet, GwynPal has chosen to one-up us once again by purchasing Blue Ivy a $979 stroller—probably because she's a jealous fucking bitch. Well, just wait until we save up our next 17 paychecks, Blue Ivy! Because Auntie Ann is buying you a 100 percent charmeuse silk baby blanket with your name embroidered on it... in diamonds! (Girl may have 99 problems, but a binky ain't one!)
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10
"Oh gosh, so sad," Scarlett Johansson sneered earlier this week about Rick Santorum's sweater vests. "My dad wore them, and I mean, they're charming for family photos I guess, and dinner with the grandparents. I think there's an ironic way to wear a sweater vest but other than that I'm not sure!" Ah, one of the prettiest and best-dressed starlets in Hollyweird, mercilessly mocking the back-to-the-'80s fashion sense of a middle-aged homophobe? That simpering sound you hear is Rick Santorum weeping. (And wiping his santorum-y tears on his stupid sweater vest. Gross.) MEANWHILE... In other election news, we turn to—surprise!—Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, who, in an interview with Moviefone about his thought-provoking works of cinema Journey 2: The Mysterious Island and G.I. Joe: Retaliation, was asked if he'd ever move into politics. "Right now the best way that I can impact the world is through entertainment," the Rock humbly answered in his commanding yet ever-so-playful voice, before adding, "One day, and that day will come, I can impact the world through politics. The great news is that I am American, therefore I can become president." Aside from the fact that the Rock is very, very handsome, very, very charming, and with the mere lift of an eyebrow could intimidate the holy hell out of any of America's enemies, we should also stress that he would never, ever wear a sweater vest. Let the Rock administration usher in America's New Golden Age! (And, uh, the sooner the better, Dwayne. Things are kind of terrible right now.)
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 11
SHAKIRA HAS BEEN ATTACKED BY A SEA LION. That's really all you need to know, but okay fine, more deets: On Facebook, the singer posted a harrowing tale of how, while on vacation in Cape Town this weekend, "she decided to get closer to a group of sea lions and seals because she thought they were cute," according to the New York Post—until one "jumped out of the water and came within a foot of her." "[It] looked me in the eye, roared in fury, and tried to bite me," Shakira wrote with what we assume were still-trembling fingers. Noting that she was paralyzed with fear, Shakira added that her brother—who she claims saved her life—spirited her away from the vicious beast. They did not escape unscathed, however! "We both got our hands and legs scratched by rocks while trying to protect ourselves," the shaken Shakira concluded, thus ending a terrifying tale of man vs. nature—and reminding us that sea lions should really be better at killing people.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 12
Sorry to end the week on a down note, dears, but today was crammed full of depressing. First, news broke that Whitney Houston was found dead yesterday afternoon, her body "partially submerged in her hotel room's bathtub." Sources told TMZ that a combination of prescription drugs and alcohol may have contributed to the singer's death—and while in recent years her life had been defined by drug abuse, a tumultuous marriage to Bobby Brown, and a horrible reality TV show, Houston at her prime was a truly astounding performer. MEANWHILE... Shitbag Chris Brown, who viciously beat the hell out of his then-girlfriend Rihanna in 2009, performed this evening at the Grammys, where he was inexplicably welcomed onstage rather than, oh, we don't know, perhaps severely beaten in the same manner he beat Rihanna. So that was unfortunate. MEANWHILE... Hugh Hefner's skeevy son Marston was arrested tonight after allegedly attacking his Playmate of the Year girlfriend Claire Sinclair, according to TMZ. "Sinclair told cops Marston had punched her, kicked her in the stomach, and then refused to leave [their] residence.... After a brief investigation, Marston was arrested for misdemeanor domestic violence around 11:15 pm... and hauled to a nearby police station where he was booked. Marston was released on $20,000 bail a few hours later." Ugh. We can only hope that at present, Marston and Chris Brown are having a celebratory drink together... and that, as his first order of business on the campaign trail, the Rock will pay them a visit. Preferably with some brass knuckles.