MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13
As mentioned last week, CHRIS BROWN IS BACK! It's been three years since Chris made national headlines by beating then-girlfriend Rihanna to a pulp, and since then he's spent much of his time in "recovery"—and by recovery we mean throwing chairs, faking crying jags, making homophobic comments, and trying to pretend the whole "girlfriend beatdown" never happened. Well, on Sunday night, the Grammys were all about forgiving, forgetting, and handing Chris the award for Best R&B Album (as well as the coveted "I-Haven't-Physically-Abused-a-Woman-in-Years-Diamond-Encrusted-Baseball Bat"). Grammy producer Ken Ehrlich told CBS This Morning he was "kind of rooting for Brown," adding "I just believe people deserve a second chance." Okay. Here's another thing Chris has been doing with his "second chance": According to Us magazine, Chris approached "an attractive brunette" before his Grammy performance and allegedly used the following pickup line: "Can I get your number? I promise I won't beat you." Here's to second chances! (At least he's learning how to laugh about it, right?) MEANWHILE... We also recently reported that Chris has been sneaking dates with his former victim Rihanna—who has publicly forgiven him, BTW, even though he's done absolutely nothing to deserve it (see above). Tonight Chris attended Rihanna's birthday party—which he can legally do, since the restraining order against him has been lifted—but according to TMZ he refused to let anyone photograph him and forced people to sign confidentiality agreements. (Classy!) He then reportedly went on to spend much of the evening "nuzzling up against Rihanna." Ohhhh, girrrrrl. Please, don't you even! (And if he gives you a cake, don't accept! A fist might pop out!)
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 14
Happy Valentine's Day! Here's some more Chris Brown news. Apparently we weren't the only nags miffed about Chris' undeserved "second chance"—country star Miranda Lambert groused on her Twatter machine about how certain Grammy winners were given too much performance time. "And Chris Brown twice?" she twatted. "I don't get it. He beat on a girl. Not cool that we act like that didn't happen." And then the pile-on began: "Are Chris Brown's mom and dad CBS and Grammy Brown?" asked Modern Family's Eric Stonestreet. But lord of the geeks Wil Wheaton had the best twat of the day: "Everyone who apparently forgot what Chris Brown did to Rihanna should read the police report on exactly what he did." To prove he's truly reformed, and now has complete control over his anger issues, Chris twatted the following measured, thoughtful responses to his critics. "You guys love to hate!!! But guesswhat??? HATE ALL U WANT BECUZ I GOT A GRAMMY Now! That's the ultimate FUCK OFF." Fast forward a scant few minutes later when his twats mysteriously disappeared. What? HOW'D THAT HAPPEN? As a "source" close to Camp Chris blatantly lied to Radar Online, "Brown didn't tweet that. Someone does his postings to Twitter and when [Brown] saw that he ordered it taken down immediately." Riiiiiiiiight. Later, a new response from "Chris" popped up on Twatter—a simple "Lol." (Related question: Can a social networking site file for a restraining order?)
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 15
Let's talk about a real man for a moment, shall we? The most dreamy heartthrob in the universe, George Clooney, gave a lengthy interview with the Hollywood Reporter in which he poked numerous holes in his glorified public persona (which we've been all too happy to promote). For example, though he's often regarded as a charming, rich jetsetter who hobnobs with the Hollyweird elite, he revealed he actually lives in chronic pain thanks to a 2005 accident, watches a lot of TV (including ESPN, Modern Family, and Jersey Shore), maybe sees his pal Brad Pitt once a year, and even suffers from "bouts of loneliness." "Anyone would be lying if they said they didn't get lonely at times," Clooney said in his lusciously deep baritone. "I have been infinitely more alone in a bad relationship; there's nothing more isolating." George... we hear exactly what you're trying to secretly tell us, and we'll take care of it. We'll rent the bus—you can choose when your whore trollop girlfriend Stacy Keibler "accidentally" walks out in front of it.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 16
As previously rumored, dead Kardashian Klan patriarch Robert may not be the biological pop of chunky Khloe Kardashian—and waggy fingers have been pointing at either mom Kris Jenner's former hairstylist OR acquitted murderer O.J. Simpson (we hope we hope we hope). At first Khloe was hilariously furious over the rumors—but now? She's apparently coming to grips with the possibility. Khloe admitted to Hollywood Life that she took a DNA test proving Kris is her mom... "But yeah," Khloe confessed, "I have no idea who my dad is, I guess?" YES! Finally! The first stage of acceptance! Now Khloe should immediately start DNA testing any former celebrity that looks like her. Let's start with Andre the Giant!
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 17
In keeping with Hollyweird's sad little version of the Circle of Life, Gary Busey has filed for bankruptcy—and in doing so, has disclosed that his personal assets are worth a grand total of $26,225, including "$1,200 in various bank accounts and a $7,000 security deposit with his landlord," according to TMZ. TMZ also snagged a list of all of Busey's worldly possessions, which more or less are exactly what you'd expect from a man of Busey's stature. For example, "Painting of an Indian, old bull's head, five pairs of old moccasins, two small decorative teepees, four clay vases, Indian-style bowls, small figurine of bald eagle, [and] old bows and arrows" were listed under "Art," while the category "More Native American Stuff" contained such goods as "Fabric strap with an attached eagle talon, beaded necklace with an attached arrowhead, [and] bolero necklace with black-and-white yin/yang pendant." Under "Random Crap," Busey catalogued his "broken pellet gun, Rollerblades, two old surfboards, boogie board, old mountain bike, [and] old Nikon film camera," while in various other categories, he noted he was the proud owner of "two tambourines," "300 VHS tapes," and a "boombox." (While "horse dentures" and "Michele Bachmann's eyes" were mysteriously not accounted for, financial experts assure us Busey will release their ownership records soon.) "Remember, the Buseyism for 'FAILING' is 'Finding An Important Lesson Inviting Needed Growth,'" Busey's upbeat rep told TMZ, referring to Busey's inexplicable habit of making acronyms for everything. While we're tempted to ask what the Buseyism is for BANKRUPTCY ("Busey Acquired No-good Krap, Really Understands Penchant To Capitalize Yesterday," perhaps?), we're more curious about the one for MOCCASINS. Email us, Gary!
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 18
This just in! "Women Want to Cheat on Their Partners with Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling," reads the shocking headline at Starpulse.com, which not-so-surprisingly reveals that in Fitness magazine's poll featuring a "list of hunks" who "women would most like to cheat on their partners with," Reynolds snagged 14 percent of the vote, Gosling took 13, and Taylor Lautner and Bradley Cooper fought over the remaining scraps. Despite the obvious missing candidates on that list—George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Tim Riggins, we could go on—we'll note that the inclusion of candidates such as Mssrs. Reynolds and Gosling is quite appropriate, but the presence of Lautner and Cooper is just depressing for everyone involved, so let's move on. In a follow-up question, the Fitness poll "revealed that 38 percent of the women asked to name the celebrity they'd consider having an affair with confessed they would cheat if given a free pass." Well... um... yes. (Sorry, Kip!) Stay tuned for future Fitness polls, including "Would You Say Water Is 'Wet'?" and "Fitness Polls: A Waste of Space When We Could Just Be Running Pictures of Ryan Gosling?"
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 19
Today in news to remind you that life is vicious and cruel and probably not worth living: "During her birthday weekend in Sin City, Paris Hilton cashed in to the tune of $30,000 while playing blackjack at Wynn Las Vegas," reports People. "Hilton tweeted about the big win, writing '#BirthdayGirlsLuck. I love gambling.'" Urge to kill... rising.... THANK GOD, then, for the BBC—which charmingly reports that "R&B star Chris Brown got into a spot of bother with some seagulls while relaxing with his girlfriend on Miami Beach in Florida," plus a photograph of a screaming Brown bolting in terror like a scared little baby from a friendly-looking bird while everyone else on the beach chills out. So at least something good happened this weekend! And you can probably expect a furious, whining twat any moment now from Chris in which he writes, "Why can't you seagulls leave the past alone?? FUCK YOU, CUZ I GOT A GRAMMY NOW, SEAGULLS!! Oh, boo-hoo-hoo!" (Oh, and while we're on the subject—confidential to "Seagull" in Florida: If you know what's good for you, next time you'll finish the job.)