MONDAY, FEBRUARY 20
Quick question: Has the world gone insane? And in particular, has lovely pop star Rihanna gone insane? As reported last week, former boyfriend/abuser and eternal asshole Chris Brown still has little to no remorse for brutally beating Rihanna back in 2009, and was heard actually referencing the attack at the Grammys in his latest pickup line ("Can I get your number? I promise I won't beat you."). He was also attacked by seagulls(!!) last week—but if you can believe it, things have gotten even more ridiculous. Rihanna released a new single today—in which she invited Brown to sing along! Titled "Birthday Cake," the song features the girlfriend-beater singing that it's "been a long time," and Rihanna responding, "Remember how you did it? Remember how you fit it? If you still wanna kiss it, come, come and get it." NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Naturally, this icky collaboration is squicking everyone in the world out, and there seems to be no logical explanation for it... or is there? A Newsday article offered up the following possible rationale: "Apparently Rihanna wants to show her independence and Brown wants to show that he can beat a woman and still get her to be friends." Could be... but it's more likely that the pair is being paid off by Mel Gibson to make him look better.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 21
So the question is no longer if abusive dickwit Chris Brown is going to get the beatdown he so rightly deserves, it's when and by whom? Today's top contender is WWE star CM Punk who twattered the following: "I would like @chrisbrown fight somebody that can defend themselves. Me curb stomping that turd would be a #wrestlemania moment." And because he is completely cured of all his anger-management issues, Brown immediately twattered back: "@CMpunk needs more followers. Such a leader! Not to mention the roids hes on has made it utterly impossible for him to pleasure a women." (GOD! It's bad enough he abuses ladies—does he have to destroy the English language, too?) Anyway, as usual, Brown's twatter was quickly deleted by his overworked and woefully underpaid publicist—but the wrestler had the final word, challenging the repulsive pop singer to step into the ring. "I will make you feel as weak and as powerless and as scared and alone as any woman who has had the misfortune of knowing such a scared, cowardly little boy such as yourself," CM said in a video response. (That tiny squirting sound you just heard came from Chris Brown's underpants.) MEANWHILE... In squirts of news you definitely do not want to hear, according to TMZ, a new Rihanna/Chris Brown romantic relationship is imminent—and friends on both sides are trying to keep them apart! MEANWHILE... Somebody get CM Punk on the phone. Quick.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 22
In non-Chris Brown news, Jennifer Aniston finally got her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Cue cruel horse jokes in three... two... one. In response, Jennifer snorted and stomped her hoof twice—which is also how she demands a bucket of oats. Jennifer is also being honored with the Golden Horseshoe in the American Quarter Horse Hall of Fame, and while she is disappointed after being snubbed at the Oscars for her titular role in War Horse, she's looking forward to its sequel, War Horse 2: Winning by a Nose. MEANWHILE... In a stunning development, Kim Kardashian is completely full of shit, and her diet pills don't work. In 2010, evil monster Kim and her tubby sis Khloe claimed on TV they lost significant weight with QuickTrim diet pills, but today law firm Bursor & Fisher are preparing a class action lawsuit against the Kardashian Klan's klaims, saying the pills actually contain a startling amount of caffeine, which according to the FDA, "is not safe or effective for weight loss." This pending case follows on the heels of OUR class action lawsuit filed against the girls for being terrible, awful bitches. (Seriously, Jennifer Aniston, when are you going to use your powerful hooves to kick their faces in?)
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 23
And it just simply refuses to stop: In yet ANOTHER shining example of how Chris Brown has successfully conquered his violent impulses, the Miami Beach police reports that the pop singer stole a fan's iPhone outside of a South Beach club and made off with it. Local Christal Spann, 24, spotted Brown climbing into his car outside the Miami hotspot Cameo when she snapped his picture on her new iPhone. Then according to Spann, Brown reached through the car window, snatched the phone away from her, and barked, "Bitch, you ain't going to put that on no website," before speedily driving away. The crime was reported, and police say the state attorney's office is currently preparing an arrest warrant for Brown. (Yessssssss! And perhaps CM Punk can also get "arrested" and coincidentally share a cell with him?)
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24
"Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking is somewhat of a regular at a Devore, California, sex club," Radar Online reported today, blowing the mind of everyone ever. Radar noted that the 70-year-old genius, who has Lou Gehrig's disease, frequently rolls on down to Freedom Acres sex club to get his freak on. "I have seen Stephen Hawking at the club more than a handful of times," claimed the source. "He arrives with an entourage of nurses and assistants. Last time I saw him, he was in the back 'play area' on a bed fully clothed with two naked women gyrating all over him." And that's not all! When he encounters horny nerds who're science-savvy enough to recognize him, Hawking's kind enough to give them something to remember him by: "He'll even take photos with people in the club as long as it's in a neutral area," the source adds, after explaining that Hawking's entourage usually stands nearby and watches while he spends quality time with the club's ladies. This is officially the best thing we've heard since that rumor about Carl Sagan in the Thai brothel. You know the one. Just think, dears: Billions and billions. Billions and billions.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 25
Jennifer Aniston once again trotted out of her stable this week to remind everyone she still exists! Aniston had a big movie opening—Wanderlust, costarring Paul Rudd, who, unlike Aniston, is likeable, attractive, and wears shoes that aren't made of metal—and it took the world by storm! Selling out theaters everywhere, it grossed a jaw-dropping... oh, wait. Wanderlust bombed, making only $6.6 million—coming in behind Journey 2: The Mysterious Island, Tyler Perry's latest, Safe House, The Vow, This Means War, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, and the war-porn flick Act of Valor. To reiterate: Jennifer Aniston has less drawing power than a two-week-old movie starring Nicolas Cage as a flaming skeleton. IN A RELATED STORY... Aniston has finally tricked someone into marrying her! And she's set a deadline for it, too—because men love that. "Unlucky-in-love Jennifer Aniston is finally Theroux with heartache," squawks the Daily Mirror. "The 43-year-old Hollywood star believes she has found The One in actor Justin Theroux, and has told friends: 'I'll be married by the end of the year." Not content to take the Mirror's obnoxiously written word for it, we called Theroux to confirm. "Uh... she said what?" Theroux said nervously. "Look... all I know is she texted me? And she was all, 'Do you want to go to Tyler Perry's new movie this weekend?' And I was all, 'Uh, maybe, I'm super busy though, so probably not.' Man. This is like, the fourth time I've had to change my number."
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 26
Tonight the 84th Annual Academy Awards swept through Tinselturd like a tornado of self-satisfaction, stirring up all sorts of unsavory detritus in the process. First up: A skeletal Angelina Jolie, wearing a dress slit up to her armpit, awkwardly forced everyone to look at her right leg by shamelessly waving it around for roughly three hours. (Over on Twatter, @AngiesRightLeg quickly gained over 30,000 followers thanks to twats like "Check me out!" "I'm a leg!" and "Look at meeee!!") Elsewhere, J.Lo and Cameron Diaz hammed it up in front of a silent crowd, reminding everyone why they are the second- and third-least-liked women in Hollywood; Billy Crystal nattered his way through a schtick your grandmother found charming; and Sacha Baron Cohen prowled the red carpet, in character as his goofy despot from The Dictator. In the evening's sole highlight, Cohen spilled an urn full of what he claimed were the ashes of his "dear friend and doubles tennis partner, Kim Jong-il," all over Ryan Seacrest—who reacted with barely contained rage. "If somebody ask you what you are wearing, you say Kim Jong-il!" Cohen joked while being led away by security, inspiring a livid, glaring, Bisquick-covered Seacrest to grunt out a terse, "Have fun this evening." And then the Oscars started and everyone fell asleep.