MONDAY, AUGUST 28 Remember the guy who killed JonBenet Ramsey? The one they caught a couple weeks ago? John Mark Karr. Yeah, that's the one! Well, as it turns out, he's not so "killy" after all. Prosecutors abruptly cleared him as a suspect today after DNA taken from JonBenet's body failed to match Karr's. It also didn't help that his story had more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese already partially devoured by a lying, attention-seeking mouse. Speaking of mice, did Karr scuttle off to Disneyland after his release? Nosireebob! As it turned out, Karr is facing child pornography charges in Northern California, where he will undoubtedly face trial, go to prison, and be raped and murdered. (Hey, we figured out last week he was lying without the help of DNA testing—so if we say he's going to be raped and murdered, you might want to second-guess your scoffing.) When asked why Boulder District Attorney Mary Lacy brought Karr back to the states with such shaky evidence, Lacy conceded that the wanna-be killer had been sending emails concerning a five-year-old girl in Thailand, "and he was expressing feelings toward this child in the same way that he was expressing feelings toward the dead child [JonBenet]." Lacy felt she had to arrest and extradite Karr to protect the still living girl. Now, does that strike anyone else as TOTALLY ILLEGAL? (On the other hand, it was a great way for Karr to get a free first-class flight back to the states. And it gave him a ton of frequent-flier miles.)
TUESDAY, AUGUST 29 Quick poll: On a scale of one to 10 (10 being most attracted to the idea), how to you feel about fighting Islamic militants in your front yard? Well, you just better get used to the idea! According to our current president, one George W. Bush, if you don't do everything in your power to make sure Republicans are reelected and keep control of Congress, you can just kiss your free weekends good-bye—because you'll be fist-fighting with terrorists on American streets. As you've probably surmised by now, things are not going so well this year for Republican candidates, and the Bush administration is throwing every scare tactic possible at the public—and blaming them dad-blamed Dimmycrats in the process! "Some politicians [dad-blamed Dimmycrats] look at our efforts in Iraq and see a diversion from the war on terror," said the president. "If we give up the fight in the streets of Baghdad, we will face the terrorists in the streets of our own cities." YES, HE REALLY SAID THAT. (Although when someone asked if we could count on seeing Osama bin Laden on our streets, the president quickly changed the subject.)
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 30 It was a big day for "body image"—specifically the manipulation of body image. In the September issue of CBS' Watch! magazine, the network featured a picture of their proud new acquisition to their evening newscast, the adorably perky Katie Couric. However, media-savvy eagle eyes noticed that her picture looked somewhat different than the exact same photo they saw months before—like 130 pounds different. The new retouched version had slimmed Couric down from a size 10 to a size two—because, as you know, credibility is next to impossible unless you're as svelte as Dan Rather. However, she's not the only celeb to get an insta-slim down; the newest member of The View, Rosie O'Donnell, also had her body Photoshopped in a recent cast photo so she would appear to be roughly the same size as the other gals. O'Donnell's lesbianism was also reduced 20 percent. MEANWHILE... Closer to home, in today's Willamette Week, book listings contributor Karla Starr blubbered a tearful apology for writing a mean-spirited listing that characterized overweight women as "fatties," having "sausage fingers," and asking them to "waddle" over to their computers. After a veritable landslide of angry emails, Karla apologized for her attempt at a joke. She wrote, "It's forced me to seriously reconsider my definition of humor and body image and appreciate the influence of my words." While there was no such apology from Editor Mark Zusman—whose job is to presumably read and okay such words, isn't it?—we're happy to learn at least someone at the WW is reconsidering what they call humor. How about "reconsidering" Callahan next?
THURSDAY, AUGUST 31 Looks like somebody has a friend in the diamond business! Entrepreneur Harry Morton was spotted today at Cartier in Beverly Hills, allegedly buying an engagement ring for his gal pal of nearly four months, Lindsay Lohan. What's that? You didn't know Lindsay Lohan was seeing Harry Morton? Don't sweat it! How are you supposed to keep up when she's been spreading her loins for half of Hollyweird? There's only so many gossip rags one can read in a day, dear. But here's the truly alarming part of this story: As it turns out, Harry Morton is the owner of a chain of Mexican restaurants called "The Pink Taco." All together, now... EWWW!!! We guess that means if Lindsay marries this greaseball, she'll be known as the Pink Taco heiress—and Paris Hilton will not like that, not one little bit!
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 1 After a week in which hundreds of Iraqis died, the Pentagon admitted that maybe—just maybe—things in Iraq might not be going so well. According to an official Pentagon report released today, militias are becoming more entrenched, the threat of civil war continues to loom, and—most cheerfully—"Death squads and terrorists are locked in mutually reinforcing cycles of sectarian strife." (Tell us about it! One of those death squads got between us and a darling pair of Manolo Blahniks at Macy's Labor Day Sale.) Assembled using all of the Pentagon's vast resources, the report also made several other startling points: The sky is blue. Two plus two equals four. And, lastly: Wow. Iraq is really, really screwed.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 Wonder of wonders! Last night on The Tonight Show, Brooke Shields revealed that Tom Cruise had recently visited her home and presented her with a "heartfelt apology" for criticizing Shields' use of antidepressants. Aww! That's so nice of Tom! So gentlemanly! But here's something Brooke doesn't know: After lulling Shields into a state of forgiving complacency, Cruise snuck around her house, subtly planted several Thetan Detection Spheres, and replaced Shields' Yellow Pages with a copy of L. Ron Hubbard's Dianetics. Shortly after leaving, Cruise mind-melded with Dark Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, urging the fierce alien warlord to send forth his intergalactic strike force to completely destroy the Shields household. Brooke, we know everything seems just fine now, but trust us: You're on borrowed time. Run. Run as fast as you can.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin died today. Finally. (C'mon—you knew this was coming. One can only wrestle crocodiles and swing cobras around like lassos for so long before they turn on you. Kind of like Mel Gibson—sure, he'll tolerate Jews, but if he gets pulled over by a Jewish cop, he'll lash out like furious Siberian Tiger.) After a long day of tossing shrimps on the barbie and petting koalas, the 44-year-old Irwin was swimming off of Australia's north coast when a stingray stabbed him in the heart with its poisonous tail. Okay, so say what you want about morons who go around courting death while constantly shouting, "Crikey!" but at least the Croc Hunter did something. He had a job, a family, and he championed conservationism and education. Why do stingrays always have to stab people we like instead of people no one would miss? Oh, that reminds us: Paris Hilton, we hear that the Great Barrier Reef is just delightful this time of year.