MONDAY, FEBRUARY 27
Want to hear some more garbage about the Oscars? Well, it's not like you're employed. Actress Sean Young, who you may remember from such films as Blade Runner and such descriptors as "crazy," was arrested trying to squeeze her way into an Academy Awards after-shindig. The LA Times says she was involved in "some type of physical altercation," taken into custody, and then released on a $20,000 bond at 3 am, after which point she wrote a not-at-all crazy rant on Facebook. "I just want everyone to know that I was sober, extremely well behaved when a very stupid security guard went postal on me and the Academy's very stupid lawyer recommended a 'private person's arrest' and I have grounds for a lawsuit against the Academy although I believe a public apology to me would be much better and...." SHUT... UP... ALREADY! Your run-on sentence needs a breather and another bump of coke. MEANWHILE... Former sex kitten J.Lo is still trying to convince us her nipple didn't fall out while co-presenting the Best Costume Design Award with fellow hag Cameron Diaz. According to J.Lo's stylist/nipple warden Mariel Haenn, "There were cups built in [to her dress] and there's no chance of any—how do you say? 'Slips.'" Soon after, J.Lo's nipple was seen mouthing the words, "Held... prisoner! Help... please!" and sobbing softly inside her cup. MEANWHILE... Speaking of escaping body parts, Angelina Jolie's freak leg kept bursting out of the bottom of her gown at the Oscars, and fashion maven/comedian Joan Rivers was not impressed. "Have you ever seen anybody stand with their hand on a hip with a leg thrown out to open an envelope?" Joan asked. "No. And you want to say to Angelina, 'You idiot! We'd almost forgotten that you used to wear blood around your neck and French kiss your brother!'" Angelina Jolie and 9/11: Never forget.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 28
As we know, if a divorced woman in Hollywood doesn't find another man within 35 minutes, her life and career is ruined. (Just look at Jennifer Aniston. She's the one neighing and stamping her hoof.) That's why pop starlet Katy Perry—recently splitzoid from limey tub of shit Russell Brand—is enlisting all her pals to find her a brand-new bag of man meat! "Katy has been very upset about the divorce," an anonymous snoop tells Hollywood Life. "But her friends are telling her to get back out there and date." Snoooore, right? Wrong! Because look who's helping Katy! "Rihanna wants to help Katy in any way she can," the snoop continued. "She is telling her that she'll start setting her up, too!" Ummm... Call us crazy, but perhaps the victim of Chris Brown's savage beating (who's now allegedly rushing back into his idiot arms) may not be the best choice for this particular task. However, if Katy's wondering where to purchase a good black-eye concealer? Rihanna's your gal!
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 29
The Bible is a bunch of dumb lies. We hold this truth to be self-evident. However, we couldn't help but reflect on the Book of Revelation—and especially the stuff about the Antichrist—after reading the following horrifying headline from the New York Post: "Snooki Lied—She's Preggers!" Although the Jersey Shore star vehemently denied the rumors not two weeks ago, alcoholic douchebaguette Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi is indeed heavy with child (and probably spumoni). What does this mean for MTV, who just started a brand-new spin-off in which Snooki and pal "JWoww" celebrate the joys of alcohol abuse? "MTV went into crisis mode after they found out," says an insider. "They're trying to hide it because it would greatly affect the creative direction of the show." OH, YOU THINK?? On the upside, this pregnancy will probably curb Snooki's drinking. On the downside, it probably won't. (On another upside, if there's going to be an Antichrist, at least it'll be slowed down by fetal alcohol syndrome.)
THURSDAY, MARCH 1
Happy birthday, Justin Bieber. In a related story, conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart is dead. Creator of breitbart.com and instrumental in revealing the Anthony Weiner sexting scandal, the 43-year-old Breitbart collapsed on the street early this morning after presumably suffering a heart attack. Annnnd cue the conspiracy theories surrounding Breitbart's death in three... two... one. "There will be an autopsy and they will decide on natural causes—but there is a way to induce a heart attack in human beings," wrote one crackpot commenter. "In my opinion THIS GUY GOT ELIMINATED. Plain and simple," wrote another. "One thing is for sure. Forty-three-year-old people don't die from 'natural causes,'" said a commenter who we're guessing probably doesn't hold a medical degree. BTW, Breitbart's relatives had told the AP back in 2010 that the blogger had suffered from heart problems, and yet? "Anybody who gets too close to the truth will be killed," says a sage commenter on infowars.com. We'll be sure to stay away from that "truth" then.
FRIDAY MARCH 2
Breaking news: Rush Limbaugh is a misogynistic prick. Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke recently spoke out about her campaign for contraception coverage at her Jesuit school, which naturally inspired Limbaugh to call her a "slut" and a "prostitute." "She's having so much sex she's going broke buying contraceptives and wants us to buy them," Limbaugh shouted. "What would you call someone who wants us to pay for her to have sex? What would you call that woman? You'd call them a slut, a prostitute." And: "The Democrats are putting on parade a woman who is happily presenting herself as an immoral, baseless, no-purpose-to-her-life woman." And: "She's having so much sex, she can't afford it." And: "She's having so much sex it's amazing she can walk." We'll stop there, because fuck you, Limbaugh. ON THE UPSIDE... Limbaugh's comments might take him off the air, as droves of advertisers pulled their ads, and conservatives like House Speaker John Boehner and Rick Santorum called Limbaugh's remarks "inappropriate" and "absurd." Even the right-wing Washington Post wrote an editorial—"The GOP Can No Longer Avoid Its Rush Limbaugh Problem." In response to the blowback, Limbaugh grudgingly posted an online message that first insisted he was right ("I personally do not agree that American citizens should pay for these social activities. What happened to personal responsibility and accountability?" Blah blah blah blah BLAH), then tacked on a crappy little "apology." "In the attempt to be humorous, I created a national stir," Limbaugh bragged. "I sincerely apologize to Ms. Fluke for the insulting word choices." Hey Rush, take it from someone else you'd probably call an immoral, baseless, no-purpose-to-her-life woman: You deserve every misery you have coming to you, you hateful sack of Oxy-addicted shit. Moving on!
SATURDAY MARCH 3
Apparently since one idiot wasn't enough for this week, child actor-turned-Jesus freak Kirk Cameron went after the gays during an interview with CNN's Piers Morgan, calling homosexuality "unnatural... detrimental and ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization." "Marriage is almost as old as dirt, and it was defined in the garden between Adam and Eve," Cameron droned. "One man, one woman, for life 'til death do you part. So I would never attempt to try to redefi—" Wait. We just realized we're quoting a sitcom burnout spouting ignorant, superstitious gibberish. Why are we doing that? Moving on! SPEAKING OF SUPERSTITIOUS GIBBERISH... Mormons are in trouble (again) for baptizing the dead (again)! "Although the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints promised in 1995 to stop including Holocaust victims in its ritual, the church admitted last week that Anne Frank had been 'baptized' in a Mormon church in the Dominican Republic," the New York Times reports. While panicked church leaders desperately reminded their baptism-happy followers to please, for the love of the Osmonds, STOP BAPTIZING DEAD JEWS, it was Seattle's Anthony Hecht, the chief tech officer at the Mercury's sister paper The Stranger, who had the best response—launching alldeadmormonsarenowgay.com. "Sadly, many Mormons throughout history have died without having known the joys of homosexuality," the site correctly notes. "With your help, these poor souls can be saved! Simply enter the name of your favorite dead Mormon in the form below and click 'Convert'! Presto, they're gay for eternity. There is no undo." Nice work, Anthony! (Also, that gives us an idea—any chance you can help us build allkirkcameronsarenowgay.com?)
SUNDAY MARCH 4
In this weekend's one bright spot of only moderately creepy happiness, Hubby Kip has been ecstatic over the fact that nude photos of Mad Men star Christina Hendricks somehow found their way online. Fun fact: We wrote the entirety of this week's One Day at a Time on a dusty typewriter we found in the attic! Because Kip's refused to open the door to the computer room for the past three days. The things we do for you, dears. The things we do for you.