MONDAY, MARCH 5
As reported last week, the end times are upon us, and if you need more proof there's this: Snooki is engaged and having a baby. After weeks of fervent denials, the Jersey Shore star finally admitted she was preggo, and not, as others had assumed, concealing a barrel of vodka under her blouse. In response to the news, Snooki's ex-boyfriend Emilio Masella said the following to TMZ: "I hope for her sake... not to be rude or anything... but I hope she has a miscarriage." OH, THAT'S NOT RUDE AT ALL. What's rude is that with one incredibly insensitive douchebag comment, you've won every Snooki hater over to her side. Thanks a bunch, dick. Now we're going to have to buy her a baby gift. (Do they even sell baby thongs?) MEANWHILE... In a desperate and failed attempt to resuscitate her career and "laugh away" the last two years, Lindsay Lohan hosted Saturday Night Live this weekend. Not much to say about that other than (surprise!) it was terrible. On the upside, a lot of people twattered about it, so there's that. Here's what a few had to say: "The only thing Lindsay Lohan seems addicted to is the SNL cue cards," twattered twatterer Kurt D. Soller. "Lindsay Lohan's done. Lost it," twatted a disgusted "Fox Boogie." (Trust us, Fox: There's nothing more disgusting than your twatter handle—except perhaps for the words "twatter handle.") But it was twatter user "Drunk Enough" who twatted the best twat of the day: "This may be the first time Lindsay Lohan had trouble doing lines." Bravo, sir. Brav-oh.
TUESDAY, MARCH 6
In a related story... famous rock 'n' roller Deborah Harry of Blondie (who is 66 years old, BTW) was mistaken by photographers on the street for 25-year-old Lindsay Lohan. MEANWHILE... Bwaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaa! MEANWHILE... Former child star and current homophobic Christian jerk Kirk Cameron is back in the news this week following his interview where he slammed the gays for being "unnatural," "detrimental," and "ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization." Who could take issue with that, right? Oh, just everybody. After being inundated with a deluge of infuriated emails, twatters, and blog posts, the not-extremely-bright Cameron issued a statement saying, "My life's mission is to love all people. I should be able to express moral views on social issues—especially those that have been the underpinning of Western civilization for 2,000 years—without being slandered, accused of hate speech, and told from those who preach 'tolerance' that I need to either bend my beliefs to their moral standards or be silent when I'm in the public square." He then adds, "I've been encouraged by the support of many friends (including gay friends, incidentally)." Point one: We didn't know one could label people as "destructive to civilization" and "love" them at the same time. Weird. Point two: Being called "homophobic" isn't slander when it's true. And point three: Kirk, your "gay friends" called. They want their rainbow friendship bracelets back. Oh! And point four: If Kirk's that upset, maybe he can dry his tears on the hem of God's robe?
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 7
Hot on the heels of her diabetes scandal, celeb chef Paula Deen is cooking up more trouble—this time with some help from her hillbilly brother, Bubba Hiers. Both are part owners of the Savannah, Georgia, eatery Uncle Bubba's Seafood and Oyster House (we got diabetes just typing that), and the restaurant's former general manager Lisa Jackson is suing the pair for (wait for it) sexual harassment. Here are just a few of the sexual crimes allegedly committed by Bubba: He brought "inescapable pornography" (dibs on the band name) to the workplace, quipped that "fat girls" shouldn't wear capri pants, remarked that sex with girls who have "flat heads" is better because "you can sit your beer on top of her head while she's giving you a blowjob," made various racial jokes as well as using the "n" word, and kissed Lisa on the face after which he spit on her. Lisa is suing for unspecified damages, claiming she was forced to quit because of "intolerable working conditions." IN A RELATED STORY... There's also a pending class action sexual harassment lawsuit currently being filed against Bubba by various moonshine jugs, "kissin' cousins," and (at last count) 27 pigs.
THURSDAY, MARCH 8
Today in "frowny faces": TMZ announced that a sex tape has surfaced featuring former pro wrestler Hulk Hogan. :( The wrestler claims he was being "secretly filmed," and that he doesn't even recognize his sex partner, because as TMZ puts it, the event took place during a "four-month alcohol-fueled lady-screwing bender." :( Also according to TMZ, the tape vividly features "Hulk's thong-shaped tan line." :( When asked for his opinion, Hubby Kip stated, "Wow. Even I wouldn't watch that porn." This just in: Hubby Kip has standards. :(
FRIDAY, MARCH 9
In welcome news that's been a long time coming, dreamy dreamboat Ryan Gosling has finally given talentless nobody Eva Mendes the heave-ho (see what we did there?). "The relationship was moving super fast, with Eva, 38, flying out to be with Ryan, 31, in Thailand while he was filming Only God Forgives in February," says the Daily Mirror, before quoting a friend of Ryan's as revealing that "Ryan and Eva are having trouble seeing eye to eye"—leading Ryan to reportedly fly to South Africa and have dinner with a German model. Okay. So partly we're mad Ry-ry didn't call us—he totes has our number—but mostly we're delighted Eva's out of the picture! Some nameless Kraut model we can take care of; our plan to kill Eva on the set of the next The Fast and the Furious was starting to involve entirely too many cut brake lines and paid-off Vin Diesels. MEANWHILE... Creepy old man Pope Benedict XVI spoke to US bishops today, telling them premarital sex was "gravely sinful" and "damaging to the stability of society" while also whining about "powerful political and cultural currents seeking to alter the legal definition of marriage." We're assuming by "powerful political and cultural currents," he means either "modern times" or "those pesky gays." Friendly reminder: The Catholic Church has a decades-long history of institutionalized child molestation.
SATURDAY, MARCH 10
Obnoxious troublemaker/Transformers mannequin Shia LaBeouf is currently "unrecognizable in a grizzly beard and greasy hair slicked back into a ponytail," reports omg!, noting that when La Beef stepped out for Starbucks earlier this week, he "finished off the disheveled look with a grandpa-style sweater zipped up over a brown plaid shirt and what appears to be significant weight gain." Ugh. This means he's moving to Portland, doesn't it? MEANWHILE... Goddammit. According to a particularly classy headline on Dlisted, "Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes Are Still Humping on Each Other." Dlisted notes that Us Weekly claims the couple is, annoyingly, still a couple. Please give us a moment while we find Vin Diesel's phone number—we have to text him about something real quick. MEANWHILE... Ryan can go screw anyway because the even handsomer star of Mad Men, Jon Hamm, just said something that made us fall even more in love with him! "Whether it's Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated," he told Elle UK. "Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you're rewarded significantly." Swoon.
SUNDAY, MARCH 11
The never-ending war in Afghanistan took another tragic turn this weekend when an American soldier "shot dead 16 civilians and wounded others after entering their homes in Kandahar province," according to the BBC, which notes, "nine children were among the dead." Kandahar, a key area for the Taliban, was rocked by the shootings, which took place early in the morning with the soldier reportedly walking calmly from house to house and killing those he found inside. "In one house in Najeeban, the gunman reportedly killed 11 people, setting fire to their bodies before he left," the BBC adds, before noting the soldier—"who reportedly suffered a breakdown before the attacks"—turned himself over to US authorities. MEANWHILE... Obviously this bodes poorly for more or less the entire geopolitical region, with the New York Times making the obvious observation that "the outrage from the back-to-back episodes of the Koran burning and the killing on Sunday of at least 16 Afghan civilians" could "embolden the hardliners within the Taliban." So... this will turn out well. MEANWHILE... In moderately less apocalyptic news, somebody told that fucking idiot Kim Kardashian what Jon Hamm said about her, prompting Kim to immediately order her publicist to hop onto Twatter and pretend to be her. "I respect Jon and I am a firm believer that everyone is entitled to their opinion," Publicist-as-Kardashian wrote. "Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, 'stupid,' is in my opinion careless." Yes, yes, Kim—but what you're forgetting is that all of those things you're claiming responsibility for are awful. You're also forgetting that you're arguably the stupidest person on the planet.