MONDAY, MARCH 12
Mark those calendars, dears! For today is a very special occasion: On this day, we solemnly vow to stop comparing actress Jennifer Aniston to a horse. We've had a good run, it's been fun, and while we may have originally had a worthy reason for drawing such an unseemly comparison, now it just feels like we're beating a dead... well, you know. So absolutely, positively no more Jennifer Aniston horse jokes under any circumstances, and... oh, no. THIS JUST IN: The Daily Mail is claiming that actress Jennifer Aniston spends upwards of $8,000 a month on her "beauty" regimen—which incidentally is how much it costs to rent a stable at... nevermind. Jen stands accused of dropping $3,500 per month on private yoga lessons, $2,700 on her personal dietician, and the rest on various beauty creams and potions, including—get this—a neck ointment that sells for $450 and is allegedly made with crystals from the planet Mars. (Does this bear repeating? We think so: neck cream made with crystals from MARS.) For expert analysis, we turn to One Day at a Time's Intergalactic Beauty Advisor, Emperor Klaktu, the grand exalted dictator of Rigel VII. "BLASPHEMY!!" gurgled Klaktu via interstellar holo-matrix while waving his tentacles in fury. "It is without question that Rigel VII produces the finest neck salve crystals, carefully mined by enslaved Thalagarian mole men in the gas-filled caves of the deadly Rigelian blood-bat. Mars is the Walmart of your pitiable star system, and any neck cream manufactured there isn't worth slathering on a Denobulan slime-weasel. That being said..." [DON'T GO THERE, KLAKTU!—ANN] "That being said, if convenience is Jennifer's only concern, she could easily purchase any of your Earth's Mane 'n Tail line of products. From what I understand, their moisturizing formula is especially good for dry and brittle hooves." Well... we tried.
TUESDAY, MARCH 13
More girlfriend trouble for R&B singer and unapologetic abusive dickwit Chris Brown! Though secretly fraternizing on the side with his former victim Rihanna, Chris has been outwardly dating Karrueche Tran, whose greatest fear is not her angry boyfriend, but rather his equally crazy fans. According to TMZ, sources say that Karrueche refuses to leave the house without Brown's security team for fear of being attacked by the singer's admirers—even though Chris has repeatedly told her not to worry. For once, we agree with Chris! Because a) no one actually "admires" Brown, and b) if anyone beats on Karrueche other than Chris, he'll sue them for plagiarism. MEANWHILE... Former rocker Courtney Love is screaming that the Muppets have "raped" the memory of her dead husband Kurt Cobain, by using "Smells Like Teen Spirit" in the recently released movie The Muppets. Though experts agree that the film's makers went through proper channels to obtain rights to the song—including asking the distribution company as well as the surviving members of Nirvana—Courtney nevertheless is accusing Kermit of "raping" her late husband. "Booooooooo!" groaned the ghost of Kurt Cobain when reached for comment in the afterlife. "My former wife's use of the word 'rape' in this context is insulting to actual sexual assault victims! Boooooooooo!" He then clarified, "Just so you know, I'm not booing because I'm a ghost—I'm booing because I'm mad at her."
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14
Today's worst people in the world: Donald Trump's sons! According to TMZ, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump went on a wild game hunting trip in Zimbabwe, where they shot and killed a number of exotic animals—and Don Jr. was photographed with an amputated elephant tail in his hand. While we are loath to quote PETA on any subject, today they have a point. "Like all animals, elephants, buffalo, and crocodiles deserve better than to be killed and hacked apart for two young millionaires' grisly photo opportunity," PETA said in a press release. Reached for response, Kim Kardashian said, "Hey! These guys make me look like I'm not so bad!" Wrong, Kim. You are so bad. MEANWHILE... Speaking of the terrible Ms. Kardashian, you may remember last week when she got all offended when dreamboat actor Jon Hamm truthfully said that celebs of her ilk build their careers on "stupidity" and being a "fucking idiot." Well, today Jon Hamm issued a statement to clarify his remarks to E! News. "I don't know Ms. Kardashian, I know her public persona," Hamm dreamily replied. "What I said was meant to be more on pervasiveness of something in our culture, not personal, but she took offense to it and that is her right." Translated, because Jon Hamm is too dreamy and nice to say it outright: "Ms. Kardashian, you are stupid and a fucking idiot."
THURSDAY, MARCH 15
Actor Russell Brand has been arrested! YAYYYY! Apparently the former Mr. Katy Perry got angry when a New Orleans photog/fan took an iPhone picture of him. Brand allegedly grabbed the phone and threw it through the window of a nearby law firm. In his defense, Brand apologized, gave back the phone, and offered to pay for the window—but because there is a modicum of justice left in the world, he was arrested anyway. YAYYYY modicum of justice!
FRIDAY, MARCH 16
OH NO! Our beloved George Clooney was arrested, too! Clooney—along with his father, Nick—was leading a protest in front of the Sudanese embassy in Washington, D.C., when the arrest occurred. Clooney's publicist explained George's noble, selfless, and devastatingly handsome goals to TMZ: "They were protesting the violence committed by the government of Sudan on its own innocent men, women, and children," he said, which makes perfect sense, and is very admirable. "They were demanding they allow humanitarian aid into the country before it becomes the largest humanitarian crisis in the world." Unfortunately, the Clooneys were also crossing a police line—meaning they were cuffed and taken to jail for several hours, where George no doubt ruled over the entire cell block as a just and benevolent king. Since it was only a misdemeanor, Clooney was able to post bail after a few hours for a measly $100—but not after he used his one phone call to (awww) call his mother to tell her everything was okay. Again: Awww. (Does anyone need an Ocean's 11-themed chocolate cake that happens to have a file baked into it? No reason... just wondering.)
SATURDAY, MARCH 17
"HBO has pulled the plug on its gambling drama Luck after controversy erupted over the deaths of three horses during production," reports the Los Angeles Times. [Don't mention Jennifer... resist the temptation!] HBO—which might have been looking for an excuse to cancel the low-rated show—continued, "While we maintained the highest safety standards possible, accidents unfortunately happen and it is impossible to guarantee they won't in the future. Accordingly, we have reached this difficult decision." [Steady... Don't make that joke, Ann... it's too easy!] For an insider's take on the news, we turned to One Day at a Time Equine Correspondent Seabiscuit. "Nay!" Seabiscuit snorted. "Where else will horses such as myself see ourselves represented onscreen? While we can all agree, man and horse alike, that the deaths were unfortunate, this is a huge blow to the horse community at large." [See? I knew we could do it! Not a single Jennifer Aniston joke!] Seabiscuit then excused himself, explaining he "needed to gallop a few laps around the track with Jen" in order to "figure out how we're going to cope with this." [Sigh. What can we say? It's pathological.]
SUNDAY, MARCH 18
Hubby Kip is currently at the dentist, getting a crown replaced after he unexpectedly bit into a file that was for some weird reason hidden inside a cake he decided to eat without asking? How strange! MEANWHILE... "I'm trying to do another Rambo," the semi-intelligible lump of metastasized steroids known as Sylvester Stallone recently threatened, before turning a bit Mel Gibson: "[Rambo's] in Arizona on the border," Stallone explained. "It will involve him going into Mexico. I don't think Rambo likes Mexicans." Wow. Who would'a thunk? MEANWHILE... Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender attended the comic book convention WonderCon this weekend, where they pandered to an army of dweebs who are eagerly anticipating their new dweeb movie Prometheus. Until, that is, Charlize decided to talk about something about 1,000 times more interesting: Fassbender's gigantic penis, as seen (over and over) in Shame! "Your penis was a revelation. I'm available to work with it anytime," Theron gushed to Fassbender. "I have to say that I was truly impressed that you chose to play it big," she continued. "Most other actors would have gone small, trust me. I know because I've worked with them." Man. And we thought we were shameless when we hit on George! IN RELATED NEWS... Expect an announcement sometime next week regarding the happy engagement of Charlize Thereon and Michael Fassbender's Penis. We wish them all the happiness in the world.