MONDAY, MARCH 19
Let's get the good news out of the way first, shall we? Guys, actress Reese Witherspoon is pregnant! According to Us, she's right around 12 weeks preggo and isn't showing at all—unless the baby's inside her chin, in which case she looks like she might pop at any moment. MEANWHILE... Talk show gabber Rosie O'Donnell's show on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) has been given the heave-ho after pulling in abysmal ratings. And, according to scuttlebutt dished out by the Daily Beast, O'Donnell was quite a beast to work with! "It was such a fucking hellhole," one former staffer said, noting Rosie's terrible temper and condescending attitude. Bandleader Katreese Barnes also found herself on the receiving end of Rosie's wrath when she was unable to play obscure Broadway showtunes on demand. You hear that, suicidal Apple workers in China? Stop complaining! MEANWHILE... Speaking of TV no one watches, Oprah interviewed Lady Gaga and her mother Cynthia (Cynthia Gaga?) on her OWN show Oprah's Next Chapter, in which the pop superstar promised to stop reading newspapers and magazines and take a vow of silence. "Other than this interview, Oprah, I do not intend to speak to anyone for a very long time," Gaga goo-gooed. That's fine with us, dearie. If we wanted to hear anything you had to say, we'd listen to an old Madonna record. Burrrrrn.
TUESDAY, MARCH 20
Lindsay Lohan addicts? Start tweaking, because you aren't gonna get your fix this week! LiLo has reportedly placed herself under a house arrest (of sorts), refusing to stray too far from home in order to stay out of legal trouble. If she can keep her nose clean (literally), Lindsay's probation will be over in two weeks—and she can return to stealing jewelry, guzzling bottles of Grey Goose, and running over pedestrians in her Porsche. Just two more weeks, Lindsay! You can do it! We want you back! MEANWHILE... Alcoholism and unwed pregnancy often go hand in hand—and never more so than on Jersey Shore! As previously gabbed about, Snooki is pregnant, which one would think might put a damper on her Jersey Shore career. Not so, as it turns out! According to MTV, Snooks will once again be joining the Jersey Shore cast along with Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino—who (according to TMZ) is currently hiding out in Utah's Cirque Lodge rehab facility, battling an alleged alcohol and pain pills addiction. We can't wait for the eventual sequel, Jersey Shore: The Next Generation (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Unit).
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 21
Today in "Shut UP, Kim Kardashian!": People are still allowing this walking bag of vapid sludge the opportunity to say something stupid—as she did once again on this evening's edition of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. "I'm a person, when I'm in love, you can't tell me anything," she told Jay when asked why she didn't heed the "warnings" of her family about marrying dumb jock Kris Humphries. "So I did what I believed in doing, and sometimes you don't want to hear what your family has to say." YOUR EVIL STUPID FAMILY ORCHESTRATED THIS ENTIRE EVIL CHARADE, YOU LYING UGLY EVIL LIAR, AND... Acck! Our chest! Tightening.... We're too young and beautiful to have a heart attack! Quickly! Moving on! MEANWHILE... Thank god for dreamboat Mad Men star Jon Hamm, who can't resist taking digs at that ugly evil liar Kim Kardashian. When asked by Time Out London how it feels to be a sex symbol, he dreamily replied, "The 'sexy' thing is so ephemeral and meaningless other than in the world of selling magazines. Who cares, when it's reduced to just that? You might as well be a Kardashian and have a sex tape." Sighhh. Can a heart attack be caused... by love?
THURSDAY, MARCH 22
We've got some good and bad and more bad Ashton Kutcher news—which would you like to hear first? Okay, here's THE BAD: According to today's New York Daily News, gorgeous—but c'mon, let's say it—dumb pop starlet Rihanna (who can't seem to stay away from her former abuser Chris Brown) was spotted taking a late-night stroll into Ashton Kutcher's Hollywood home (Digest that. Now let's continue.), where she stayed for four hours before finally slinking out at 4 am in the morning. Girl? We don't even. THE GOOD: Ashton Kutcher is going to be flung into outer space! Too bad there's THE MORE BAD: He's actually paying $200,000 for a ride on Virgin Galactic's SpaceShipTwo rocket plane, which is scheduled to carry him and other celebs for a joyride into outer space as soon as 2013. And... wait. This just in... MORE GOOD NEWS: "Don't you worry, Ann," said a sinister-sounding Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, gleefully rubbing his tentacles together. "I've got this one."
FRIDAY, MARCH 23
It takes a fair amount of elbow grease to be more repugnant this week than Kim Kardashian, Ashton Kutcher, or Snooki—but dimwitted Megan Fox and her 79-year-old husband, 90210 heartthrob Brian Austin Green, are giving it a go! Green is currently being sued by paparazzo Delbert Shaw, who claims Green assaulted him after he took pictures of Green and Fox in Hawaii. TMZ reports, "According to the suit, [the situation] escalated when Megan yelled to her hubby, 'Are you going to let him get away with that?' Shaw alleges Brian defended Megan's honor by hauling off and pummeling him, causing severe injuries. To add insult to injury, Shaw claims Brian threw his iPhone into the deep blue sea." (How poetic, TMZ. One moment—let us wipe this tear from our eye.) But it gets even worse: "Shaw says Megan was egging Brian on during the entire incident." Keep it classy, you two.
SATURDAY, MARCH 24
Let's take a moment to recognize our brave explorers, who push the limits of knowledge into exciting new frontiers! Our first official One Day Brave Explorer Merit Badge goes to Avatar and Titanic director James Cameron, who became the first person alive to voyage alone to the bottom of the Mariana Trench—the deepest point on Earth! Traveling in a custom-made, bright green, one-man submarine called the Deepsea Challenger (of course James Cameron has a custom-made, bright green, one-man submarine called the Deepsea Challenger), Cameron collected samples for real scientists and pointed his camcorder out the window. Great job, Jim! Is it too much to hope that you left your screenplay for Avatar 2 down there, where it will remain forever lost to man? MEANWHILE... Our second official One Day Brave Explorer Merit Badge goes to Leanne Zaloumis, who, at a mere 29 years of age, valiantly ventured where few would dare: Simon Cowell's house! "Simon Cowell last night told of his horror after coming face to face with a woman who broke into his mansion 'armed with a brick,'" reports the Daily Mail. "In an astonishing security lapse, the intruder is believed to have wandered around the pop mogul's West London home, even lying on his bed." Shudder. Leanne Zaloumis—the terrors you must have conquered, the horrid sights you must have seen. Let the history books be rewritten: Sir Francis Drake. Marco Polo. Christopher Columbus. Sir Edmund Hillary. Neil Armstrong. Leanne Zaloumis.
SUNDAY, MARCH 25
It's time for Republican Roundup™, in which we survey the hee-larious decline of the once-proud political party. FIRST! Former Vice President Dick Cheney got a heart transplant! "This is merely the first step in my transformation from weak meatflesh to immortal cyborg," Cheney said in a statement. "Indeed, I dare more parts of my body to fail, so that I can replace them with younger, stronger, and eventually cybernetic counterparts. I shall never die. Behold Cheney 2.0. Despair." SECOND! Those dumb "birthers" who demanded to see President Obama's birth certificate have found a new target: Mitt Romney! Apparently, the fact that Mitten's father was born in Mexico raises "questions concerning the eligibility" of Romney's presidential ambitions. Yay! THIRD! "Santorum Ignores Pressure to Bow out to Romney," reports the New York Times, which notes that "a rising chorus of Republicans" (like on Glee!) are "calling for the divisive presidential contest to end so the party can turn its full attention to defeating President Obama." Santorum, because he's an idiot, is refusing to do so. God. We couldn't make this up if we tried! Except for the part about Dick Cheney turning into a robot. But actually... yes. Now that we think about it, we'll even stand by that. Go ahead. Try to prove us wrong.