MONDAY, APRIL 2
Welcome to the world of the angry has-been TV star: Chevy Chase—former SNL star and current cast member of the internet-beloved Community—is being accused of sending the meanest voicemail since Alec Baldwin's infamous "my daughter is a selfish pig" rant. According to TMZ, Community creator Dan Harmon was the recipient of the prickly voicemail, which leveled not-so-constructive criticism such as Chase calling Harmon a "goddamn bad writer... shit! Stinko!" adding that his "writing is getting worse" and that Harmon will probably die soon because he is a "fat fuck." Meee-OW! Apparently the fuss started when Chevy stormed off the Community set during the final days of shooting, inspiring Harmon to lead wrap-party participants in a chant of "Fuck You, Chevy," umm... in front of the comedian's wife and daughter. Ouch. Say what you will about 2011's epic, monumental feud between Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre and Charlie Sheen—Lorre never said a single bad word in front of Sheen's live-in porn stars. MEANWHILE... Guys... Urkel is irked! Controversy struck the Dancing with the Stars set last Friday when contestant Jaleel White (Urkel from Family Matters) flipped out on his dancing partner Kym Johnson after he accidentally stepped on her foot. (Yeah... we don't get it either.) According to Us magazine, when Kym had the gall to say "Ouch" after being trod upon, Jaleel accused her of "acting like a baby," and called her an "idiot." When DWTS's pro dancer Mark Ballas tried to intervene, the former Urkel became even more furious, accusing producers of pairing him with a "stupid" partner, and telling Ballas, "You remind me of that annoying sitcom neighbor who gets into everyone's business!" (Oh, why can't we hire singer Alanis Morissette to pop into situations like this and sing, "Isn't it ironic?")
TUESDAY, APRIL 3
Because some germs are just too stubborn to die, failed vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin temporarily infected the cast of the Today show this morning, apparently figuring if you can't beat the "lamestream media" you might as well join them. NBC, attempting to boost faltering ratings, promised that Palin would reveal "a different side" of herself as co-host, and they were right; if you think making numerous jokes about eating moose and caribou, making thinly veiled religious comments, and repeatedly saying, "Anyone but Obama" when asked who should be our next president, qualify as "different." It's times like these when we are so grateful our Ambien doesn't allow us to rise before nine. MEANWHILE... Now that's funny... the Today show and Palin didn't say a single word about this next story: Levi Johnston—baby daddy to sanctimonious teen mama Bristol Palin—has knocked up yet another young lady. Us Weekly confirmed that yes, indeedy, the eternal thorn in Sarah Palin's side has impregnated his current gal pal, Sunny Oglesby (formerly of Seaside, Oregon, if you get excited by such things). When asked for comment, Levi's other son, baby Tripp Palin, had this to say: "Congratulations or whatevs... but do the kid a favor and give him a NORMAL name? Like Matt Lauer or something."
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 4
Today actor/dreamboat Ryan Gosling saved a NYC woman from being hit by a cab, because... of course he did! British journalist Laurie Penny of the New Statesman twattered her heroic and panty-dampening rescue. "I literally, LITERALLY just got saved from a car by Ryan Gosling," Penny twatted. "That actually just happened." We believe you, now will you please just get to the sexy part??? "I was crossing 6th avenue in a new pink wig [Ugh.—Ann]. Not looking the right way because I am from London" Penny continued. "Ryan Gosling grabbed me away from a taxi. [His identity] was confirmed by a girl near me who said, 'you lucky bitch.'" Note: Just so we're all on the same page here, this nearby girl would've said the same thing had Ryan Gosling been running her over in the taxi, YOU LUCKY BITCH.
THURSDAY, APRIL 5
Today the universe upended itself with the following six-word headline from People magazine: "Kim Kardashian Is Dating Kanye West." NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! While denying to the press she's dating anyone, the lumbering hook-nosed monster and our former favorite performer in the world "have just started dating," and are "keeping it light for now." Ummm... that's not keeping it light! "Keeping it light" is Kanye West occasionally seeing pictures of Kim on the cover of a gossip tabloid, and muttering, "Jesus Christ. That ugly seahag is the worst." Even worse? Apparently the two had a "movie date" last night, in which they saw The Hunger Games together! That was supposed to be OUR movie, Kanye! What do you see in her? You're just... just so "Peeta" and she's just so... so... "President Snow"! (We think we just ruined our chances with Kanye and Ryan Gosling.)
FRIDAY, APRIL 6
Just last week, we reported that perennial One Day at a Time star Lindsay Lohan was turning over yet another new leaf! HOWEVER... In a shocking twist, Linds has already landed back in the gossip rags, thanks to a woman filing a report with the West Hollywood Sheriff's Department claiming that last night, Lindsay started a fight with her at a nightclub after the woman gave the eye to one Linds' male friends. Lindsay's rep, naturally, valiantly and stupidly leapt to her defense. "Lindsay was absolutely not involved in any sort of altercation whatsoever," Steve Honig insisted to TMZ. "This is clearly another case of someone looking for money and 15 minutes of fame." Wait. If that were the case... wouldn't she have gone after someone who had some money and fame to spare?
SATURDAY, APRIL 7
What sounds like a painfully unfunny Saturday Night Live sketch continues to be an actual, painfully real occurrence, with TMZ now closely examining Kim Kardashian's filthy neck for evidence of Kanye nibbles. (Ugh. We just typed the words "Kanye nibbles." UGH! We just did it again! KIP! PURELL, STAT!) "Psoriasis, shmoriasis," the gossip site brays. "TMZ has uncovered THE TRUTH about the suspicious mark on Kim Kardashian's neck... and it definitely originated from Kanye West's mouth." The correct response to this, dears, is, VOM. The hickey (Kanyickey?) nauseated observers everywhere, from yours truly ("PURELL, STAT!") to Pope Benedict XVI, who offered a grave condemna—actually, gross, enough. MOVING ON. In real news, two American states continued to embarrass our formerly fine nation, with Arizona passing an anti-abortion bill in the state senate that would define "life" as beginning "from the first day of the last menstrual period of the pregnant woman." In other words: Babies would be considered human beings before they are even conceived. Oh, Arizona. You're like a horse that the rest of America wishes we could take out behind the barn and shoot. A stupid, racist, misogynist horse. MEANWHILE.... Not to be outdone, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has repealed that state's Equal Pay Law, with Michelle Goldberg at the Daily Beast interviewing Wisconsin's Republican Senator Glenn Grothman, who kindly explained to her simple little brain that she shouldn't be concerned about the gap between men and women's incomes. "You could argue that money is more important for men," Grothman said. "I think a guy in his first job, maybe because they expect to be a breadwinner someday, may be a little more money conscious. To attribute everything to a so-called bias in the workplace is just not true." Yes, Senator Grothman, you certainly could argue that. If you wanted to sound like a complete idiot, that is.
SUNDAY, APRIL 8
Let's end this rough week on a high note, shall we? Today the denizens of New York City awoke to find their city decorated with 200 delightful Easter eggs, each of which came from... Ryan Gosling?! SQUEEEEEEEE!! "Each egg includes a picture of Gosling and clever Easter-themed messages such as 'Hop on over to my house already,'" Mashable reports. "The slips of paper are signed 'Happy Easter from Ryan Gosling.'" While a bit of digging revealed the eggs to be the doing of advertising copywriter Jenna Livingston, we will refuse to acknowledge this fact or ever mention it again, as the idea of our beloved, dreamy Ryan wishing us a happy anything is enough to make us forget all about Kim, Kanye, Arizona, Wisconsin, famine, death, and/or disease. A very Happy Easter back to you, Ryan, you thoughtful thing! Feel free to come look for our eggs anytime.