MONDAY, APRIL 9
OMG. Kanye West is still... somehow... inconceivably... in the romantic throes of that ugly harlot monster Kim Kardashian. Is it blackmail? Mind control? Have we been mysteriously transported to an alternate universe where Kim is not a freakish, life-ruining trollop? Whatever the reason—things are getting worse. Us Weekly—just as confused as the rest of us by this unholy romance—says that according to their source who's close to the West camp, Kanye has fallen "genuinely head over heels" for this malodorous skank and that "it's not a PR stunt." In fact, the way Kanye apparently sees it, "He thinks she's his Beyoncé!" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! It's a nightmare! That's what it is! Any second now Freddy Krueger will hop out of our shoe closet, and stab us with his... oh, hi Freddy. What do you mean Kim Kardashian scares you, too? NO, we will not cuddle with you! MEANWHILE... Remember back when West drunkenly interrupted Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards? Yeah, good times. And remember when President Obama responded by calling the rapper a "jackass" during an interview with ABC's Nightline? Even better times. Well, today when asked which hiphop artist he prefers (Kanye or Jay-Z), the president chose the latter, though adding, "Although I like Kanye. He's a Chicago guy. Smart. He's very talented." However, when reminded of the word he used to describe Kanye two years ago, Obama responded, "He is a jackass. But he's talented." Kanye could not be reached for comment, because he's too busy braying, "Heeee-haw! Heeeee-haw!" (over a completely bumping dance track).
TUESDAY, APRIL 10
In political news, Rick "frothy combo of fecal matter and lube" Santorum has dropped out of the race for the GOP nomination because of (a) his three-year-old daughter's health, (b) Texas' refusal to adjust its rules regarding its 155 delegates, which would allow them to be awarded on a "winner-take-all" basis, and (c) being nearly $1 million in debt as of last month. (That's a lot of money—but in his defense, lube and sanitary wipes aren't as cheap as they used to be.) MEANWHILE... Super millionaire Ann Romney (wife to super millionaire and presumptive GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney) got her pearls in a tangle today when Democratic National Committee pundit Hilary Rosen said, "[Ann Romney's] actually never worked a day in her life." Ann responded by twattering, "I made a choice to stay home and raise five boys. Believe me, it was hard work"—a statement which has since become fodder for Fox News and a slew of conservative bumper stickers. However, how about some context? During the original discussion on CNN, Rosen offered the above slam after being asked if Ann should be giving economic advice to her husband. Rosen then added that "[Ann Romney's] never really dealt with the kinds of economic issues that a majority of women are facing... how do we send them to school... why we worry about their future." And let's be honest, Ann's twatter was somewhat inaccurate—she actually didn't have much of "a choice" to raise those kids. The old-timey Mormon Church still strongly discourages women from taking outside-the-home jobs. But in her defense, it must have been really tough raising five boys... good thing she has at least $200 million to help take the edge off.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11
While Lindsay Lohan is trying her damnedest to stay on the straight and narrow—they keep... pulling... her... back... in! As previously mentioned, a random club hopper is accusing LiLo of punching her in the back recently at a West Hollywood hot spot—but the long-suffering Lohan publicity camp is crying foul. "Lindsay was absolutely not involved in any sort of altercation whatsoever," spokesman Steve Honig told TMZ. Plus, according to other sources speaking on the down-low to TMZ, Lindsay wasn't even clubbing it on the night in question, and was actually "at home watching TV." Just so you know, "watching TV" is classic Lindsay Lohan code for "burying her head in a mountain of coke, followed by an evening of stalking her lesbian ex-girlfriend" and NOT "punching a random ho in the back." Please make a note of it.
THURSDAY, APRIL 12
It's the Battle of the Hollywood Douchebags! In one corner, we have Joe Eszterhas (the laughably bad writer of Showgirls and Basic Instinct) and in the other, Mel Gibson (misogynist, racist, Lethal Weapon 4). Turns out Joe is simply furious at Mel for killing Eszterhas' film about Jewish revolt and heroism, called The Maccabees, and therefore sent him a nine-page (!) letter clearly explaining his fury. However, it all comes down to this quote: "I've come to the conclusion that the reason you won't make The Maccabees is the ugliest possible one. You hate Jews." OUCH! (If not obvious.) Mel then counterpunched with a much more succinct missive—a page-long letter, which can be boiled down to this quote: "In 25 years of script development I have never seen a more substandard first draft," Mel sniped. "The decision not to proceed with you was based on the quality of your script, not on any other factor." OUCH! (Although again, obvious.) Can't you two please learn to get along? We can't wait much longer to see the screen adaptation of Sugar Tits!
FRIDAY, APRIL 13
It's Friday the 13th—which means, as dictated by the curse issued by the Shadow Coven of Witches of Northampton in 1612, Courtney Love rose from the mists of memory to terrorize children everywhere. In particular, one child: Her daughter, poor Frances Bean Cobain! Love went on Twatter to accuse 19-year-old Frances Bean of having sex with 43-year-old Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl, whom she called a "gross old man," adding that Grohl seduced young Frances Bean because he's "sexually obsessed" with Kurt Cobain. "Unfortunately, Courtney is on another hateful Twitter rant," Grohl responded, being entirely too polite to the woman referred to in the Necronomicon as "the Cursed One." "These new accusations are upsetting, offensive, and absolutely untrue." Thankfully, Courtney realized that using a public forum to baselessly accuse her daughter of sleeping with her deceased father's bandmate might not be the best mothering. "Bean, sorry I believed the gossip... Mommy loves you," Love tweeted by way of apology. FOR HISTORICAL CONTEXT... We turn to Magbeth the Hag, the Dark Ages' most despised witch. "Lizard's leg and owlet's wing, fire burn and cauldron bubble!" Magbeth cackled. "Who'd have guessed the parent who shot himself would give Frances the least trouble?" Well put, Magbeth. MEANWHILE... NPR reports that the GOP has finally realized it has a "perception problem" with women voters. Luckily, Republican strategist Linda DiVall has a solution: targeting "Walmart women," her term for women with no college degree and a household income of less than $50,000. Um, gross? Alternately, conservatives could stop trying to control women's bodies, stop repealing equal-pay laws, and stop pretending we live in Northampton in 1612. Just an idea.
SATURDAY, APRIL 14
"ASHTON KUTCHER AND MILA KUNIS ARE DATING!" proclaims x17online.com, noting the That '70s Show costars have been spotted together "on multiple occasions" and "have even spent the night at each other's houses!" In related news, no one has seen Eric Forman, Fez, Hyde, or Donna since That '70s Show went off the air in 2006. WAIT! STOP THE PRESSES! Us Weekly is calling BS on Kunishton (hey, Mercury legal—can we copyright that?), quoting a disgusted "Kunis pal." "They've been friends for years, but she would never ever," Mila's friend sneered. "Definitely nothing going on there." "So... that means Mila's available?" Fez was heard to whimper hopefully, faintly, from a dumpster behind an Arby's.
SUNDAY, APRIL 15
Hiphop icon Tupac Shakur has risen from the dead—mysteriously materializing onstage at Coachella to perform with Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre before disappearing in an ethereal burst of light! Alas, it turned out this Tupac was an eerily lifelike hologram created by the special effects artists at Digital Domain, who were hired by Dr. Dre and worked for four months at a cost of $400,000 to create the virtual Tupac. MEANWHILE... Not to be outdone by a resurrected rapper, Lindsay Lohan materialized at Coachella, too—possibly violating her probation! "Our sources tell us Lindsay feels she didn't thumb her nose at Judge Stephanie Sautner, because Coachella is really just a gigantic concert and she was just there for the music," says TMZ. "Lindsay insists she didn't have a drop of alcohol during the weekend—she feels she can control herself, even in a situation filled with temptation." Nice work, Linds! We're impressed! And let's not forget these promising rumors we're hearing about you "hitting it off" with a "very successful and handsome" Coachella musician! Maybe you are turning things around! MEANWHILE... "Who's that crazy bitch who keeps stalkin' me? Lindsay somethin'?" Holographic Tupac was heard asking Snoop shortly after their set. "Shit, I even told her I was a motherfuckin' hologram, but she just keeps on grabbin', lookin' all confused an' shit whenever her hand goes through me. Damn."