MONDAY, APRIL 16
This is an alert from the One Day at a Time Impending Disaster System. This is not a test! It has come to our fearful attention that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are finally getting married after years of living in sin, and adopting half of the eastern hemisphere. Wait... now that's odd! Wasn't it just last year that Brad told Ellen DeGeneres on her talk show that, and we quote, "I've said that [Angie and I] would not be getting married until everyone in this country had the right to get married"? (Apparently we missed the memo that gays are now allowed to get hitched! We're gonna check our spam folder for that one. Meanwhile... congrats, gays!) Anyway, that's not the horrifying news... this is: Brangelina are planning to hold "one of the most glamorous show-business weddings of all time" at their magnificent estate in Southern France, and according to a source talking to the New York Post, "I've seen their chateau, and it is one of the most romantic settings imaginable." So what's so horrifying? Two words: Jennifer... Aniston. As you certainly recall, home-wrecking Angie seduced Brad right out from underneath Jen's bridle while the pair were filming Mr. and Mrs. Smith—and ever since? Jen has been neighing, shaking her mane, and stomping the floor of her stable in fury! So what does Jennifer think about this recent extremely romantic development? "She doesn't care," a pal of Aniston tells E! News. "She really doesn't. She's moved on. People don't want to believe it, but she has." Oh! Well, we didn't expect that kind of measured response! Hey, if Jen's happy, then we're happy, and... wait. What's that approaching cloud of dust? And... is that the sound of thundering hoofbeats? Oh... sweet... god. Get your children inside, and bring us the tranq gun! It's a Jen-pede!
TUESDAY, APRIL 17
In sad news, Dick Clark, the creator and host of American Bandstand, died today at the age of 82. In a related story, teen pop star Miley Cyrus stuck her hand in a moving blender, and unfortunately will survive. We send our condolences to both families—for different reasons, of course. MEANWHILE... Rapper/recently discovered insane person Kanye West is taking umbrage with our report from last week, in which he allegedly called his new (BLECHH!) girlfriend Kim Kardashian, "my Beyoncé." According to Us magazine, Kanye denies the allegation. "I would never compare anyone to my friend's wife," he told Us. "If I don't say something in a rap or on Twitter, it's not true." Okay, fine! Kanye would never say anything that crazy. Of course, there's this classic Kanye twatter from 2010: "I specifically ordered persian rugs with cherub imagery!!! What do I have to do to get a simple persian rug with cherub imagery uuuuugh." And? We rest our case. MEANWHILE... Disgusting, lumbering monster Kim Kardashian announced on that stupid Khloe and Lamar show that she's going to "run for the mayor of Glendale [California]... in, like, five years." That should be just enough time for the residents of Glendale to move their families and belongings out of the state, and nuke the entire area from above. Desperate times, and all.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18
Today Suri Cruise, the eternally sullen and grumpy offspring of cuckoo Scientologist Tom Cruise and Stepford wife Katie Holmes, celebrated her sixth birthday by looking sullen and grumpy in every single photograph taken of her. CHEER UP, YOU STUPID BABY. That thing in your mouth is called a "silver spoon" and you already own shoes that are worth more than we make in a year, so why don't you just pretend to appreciate one iota of what you have, and... BRRRRRRING. BRRRRRRRING. What's that? Oh. The intergalactic holotubes are ringing, which means Emperor Klaktu (omnipotent dictator of the Rigel VII system) is calling to relay his birthday wishes. "Salutations and jubilant hurrahs to future queen of all galaxies, Suri Cruise, from all your minions celebrating throughout the universe," Klaktu said, thrashing his tentacles with glee. "Today is yet another stepping stone in Scientology's master plan to place you in the highest of interstellar thrones, and... what. Why does she look so angry? MINION! Did you inform our future queen that we destroyed the entire Thalagarian race in her honor? YOU DID. And she's still displeased? Oh, my Halthor! Will nothing please this onerous child?? FINE. Just send her the fucking Malibu Barbie Dreamhouse already. Earth children are the worst."
THURSDAY, APRIL 19
Meanwhile in Hollywood, according to TMZ, Lindsay Lohan attended a Sunset Strip nightclub where she told a sneering patron to quote, "Shut the fuck up," and got a drink thrown in her face in retaliation. And this is how we know it's Thursday.
FRIDAY, APRIL 20
Continuing their practice of nauseating everyone, the most obnoxious couple of all time, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, are still publicly flaunting their revolting courtship rituals. "Decked out in leather pants, heels, and a Celine bag, the reality star, 31, and the rapper, 34, browsed the racks at Balenciaga and made a stop at the popular Van Leeuwen ice cream truck," says Us. We're sorry, but... WHERE? It just so happens we have an inside source at Van Leeuwen's! (What. We like ice cream.) So what did our inside source have to say about K&K's visit? "That ass is now 22 percent butterfat." Fair enough, inside source! Now get us a double decker of peppermint and chip—because unlike a certain someone, a little butterfat added to our ass won't throw off Earth's gravitational rotation. (Yes, dears, we know that was a low blow. However: Please remember that KIM KARDASHIAN IS THE WORST PERSON ON EARTH. Thank you.)
SATURDAY, APRIL 21
Sweatshop labor, institutionalized sexism, poverty wages, and the systematic destruction of small-town businesses—and now you can add another reason why Walmart is the worst. The New York Times reports Walmart "paid bribes to obtain permits in virtually every corner" of Mexico, waging "a campaign of bribery to win market dominance." An internal investigation by Walmart found that the bribes totaled more than $24 million, and "Walmart de Mexico's top executives not only knew about the payments, but had taken steps to conceal them from Walmart's headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas." "The lead investigator recommended that Walmart expand the investigation," the Times continues. "Instead, Walmart's leaders shut it down. Neither American nor Mexican law enforcement officers were notified. None of Walmart de Mexico's leaders were disciplined. Indeed, its chief executive, Eduardo Castro-Wright, identified as the driving force behind years of bribery, was promoted to vice chairman of Walmart." Enjoy those cheap sweatpants, America. MEANWHILE... Here's something to keep in mind as the presidential election looms: "Democracies would be better off if they chose some of their politicians at random. That's the word, mathematically obtained, from a team of Italian physicists, economists, and political analysts," reports the Guardian. "The process was common in ancient Greece, when democracy was young. In Athens, citizens' names were placed into a randomization device called a kleroterion." That's it! We've heard enough! KLEROTERION IN 2012! Honestly, it's not like it could make things any worse... unless the Almighty Kleroterion somehow picks one of the Kardashians. But come on! What are the chances?
SUNDAY, APRIL 22
"Oh my god," Scarlett Johansson told Fox News. "Buffalo chicken wings. I am addicted to them. You will have to roll me down the red carpet next time you see me." Johansson, who—as Hubby Kip's browsing history reveals—has been posing quite a bit in her little skintight number from The Avengers, has recently discovered an all-encompassing obsession for buffalo wings, perhaps due to her Avengers-mandated "really clean diet" and workout sessions that had her "training like crazy." Even as she wandered away from the Fox News interview, she was heard to whisper to her publicist: "I can't stop eating them." Well, that explains the slowly congealing trail of greasy buffalo wings Hubby Kip has arranged, leading all the way from the closest theater showing The Avengers to our front door. MEANWHILE... Walking trainwreck Lindsay Lohan is "officially set to star as Elizabeth Taylor in the Lifetime movie Liz and Dick," reports E! Online, which tastefully ignores the film's hilarious title and refrains from pointing out that, if this is like any other project remotely related to LiLo, it will soon implode with the blinding force of 1,000 suns. "We could hire actresses that would be great and people would watch it," says jaw-droppingly oblivious producer Larry Thompson, "but I think that Lindsay brings to Elizabeth Taylor and to our project that sparkle of magic, that sparkle of today." Oh, Larry, you poor, poor thing. Come over for a drink, let's chat. Just follow the trail of buffalo wings.