MONDAY, APRIL 23
As gleefully reported last week, LINDSAY LOHAN FINALLY HAS A JOB. She's been cast to play film icon Elizabeth Taylor (don't laugh) in the Lifetime TV movie (don't laugh) Liz & Dick (we asked you not to laugh). And given Lindsay's less-than-stellar track record, the producers of Liz & Dick are doing everything they can to make this movie happen—including moving production of the film to Los Angeles from its original site in Canada, who refused to allow her into the country. (They're claiming it's because she's "a convicted criminal"... but we suspect it may be an STD thing.) However, there's one American who's inexplicably against our Linds taking on the role of a lifetime: Rosie O'Donnell! The recently cancelled talk show hostess appeared on a Today show panel, and had this to say about Lindsay. "I don't think she's right for the role and I don't think she's capable at this point of doing what's needed." When co-panel member Donny Deutsch referred to Linds as "our generation's Elizabeth Taylor," Rosie responded, "You're out of your mind! You're a crackhead! Get out of here! The last thing she did good she was 16." Ummm... Rosie? We beg to differ! Lindsay was 18 when she starred in Mean Girls! If you're going to insult someone, get your facts straight. (For example, you were fired from Oprah's OWN network when you were 49. Burrrrrn.) MEANWHILE... In news that gives us the creeps, Britney Spears' fiancé Jason Trawick is now the fallen pop star's co-conservator alongside papa Jamie Spears. As a reminder, conservators typically have legal authority over a person, including making decisions regarding medical care, food, and even clothing. A father and a future husband having near complete control over a woman's life: Hello again, 18th century. Oh, how we've missed you.
TUESDAY, APRIL 24
As previously reported in One Day, hottie Mila Kunis is both disgusted and appalled by rumors that she's romantically/sexually/whatever involved with aging lothario creepazoid Ashton Kutcher. This week she decided to revisit her "eww!"-filled anti-Kutcher campaign. "It's very absurd!" a grossed-out and evasive Kunis told Extra. "A friend is a friend." Well, far be it from us to spread "absurd" rumors about "friends"—even when it involves Mila and Ashton scooting off on a three-day getaway to the romantic coastal town of Carpinteria, California. People magazine reports that this totally platonic twosome gaily dined on unromantic sushi, virtuously shopped for sunflowers and blueberries, and then innocently disappeared for an entire, unaccounted-for day before finally reemerging for an early morning non-physical coffee run, followed by an exhausted, but entirely celibate drive back to Los Angeles. Mila, thank you for proving that a man and woman can be friends without romantic entanglements. (Pssst! We would be totes ashamed, too!)
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25
Okay, now they're just fucking with us. We've been doing our best to avoid the horrific sight of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's romantic relationship—BECAUSE IT MAKES US FUCKING SICK—and yet? They keep throwing it in our face in the cruelest possible ways. Example: They're starting to dress alike! KanDash (just thought up that relationship name... like it?) was spotted together at Manhattan's Tribeca Film Festival Artist Dinner wearing complementary black-and-white outfits—because they're like in seventh grade or something. GROW UP, MONSTERS! Then they were seen at the grand opening of NYC's newest trendy restaurant RYU, where the terrible twosome was joined at the hip all evening, and Kim was noticeably wearing "KW" studs in her ears! THAT IS SO GROSS. Unless of course "KW" stands for "Kim's Warts." Like a public-service announcement. MEANWHILE... Mad Men's dreamy Jon Hamm—who once famously called Kim Kardashian a "fucking idiot"—has reportedly patched up his differences with this scabies-ridden harpy, who now says Jon is "very sweet and very respectful." We hate you now, too, Jon.
THURSDAY, APRIL 26
According to Star magazine, Katie Holmes—the Stepford Wife of Tom Cruise, and birthing unit for Scientology's future galactic leader, Suri Cruise—is allegedly PREGNANT. AGAIN. "This cannot beeeeeeee!" howled Emperor Klaktu, Scientology spokesalien and dictator of the Rigel VII system, via intergalactic holotubes. "Our beloved and wise god L. Ron Hubbard prophesized in the holy scriptures (Battlefield Earth) that there shall be only one human specimen destined to become Mega-Giganto Thetan Level XV and rule the universe, and that specimen is the adorable, fashion-forward Suri Cruise!" Emperor Klaktu then buried his face in his tentacles and sadly moaned, "Besides, I've spent the last six years kissing that spoiled brat's overly pampered bottom—and now you're telling me I may have to start all over? Ugggnnnhhh! Scientology is such a pain in the defecation orifice!"
FRIDAY, APRIL 27
BREAKING! Snooki—who, to our everlasting horror, is still pregnant—wants to set the record straight! After Us reported that Snooks told reporters she "would die" if she was the size of the pregnant Jessica Simpson—who, according to Snooki, also "[indulges] in everything she [wants]," while Snooki eats healthy (only three bags of Doritos a night!), the troll from Jersey hopped on Twitter to defend her honor. "I NEVER dissed Jessica Simpson you weirdo tabloids, get over it with your 'pregnant war' articles," she twatted, eloquent as ever. "I love the girl and her hot ass bump." We have nothing to add to this story other than that the inevitable "heat death of the universe" (wiki that) sure is taking its sweet time.
SATURDAY, APRIL 28
Today was one of the biggest days on the Washington, DC, social calendar—the annual White House Correspondents' Association Dinner! Naturally, Fox News effed it all up... by inviting both Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian to attend! "As she entered the 2012 White House Correspondents' Dinner Saturday night, Kim Kardashian once again teased that she's considering a mayoral run," says the Huffington Post, following up on Kim's threat that she'd like to be mayor of Glendale, California, "because it's, like, Armenian town." BUT ANYWAY... LiLo and Kim shared a table, which was only natural, since x17online.com revealed they're old pals. OF COURSE THEY ARE. "The Mean Girls star attended Kimmy K's wedding to Kris Humphries, and the E! starlet has been outspoken in her support for the rehabbed redhead throughout her legal proceedings. Add in the buxom brunette's new relationship with Kanye West, and we'd say these two will have no shortage of conversation topics!" And this all went down at the Fox News table, you say? Behold the current state of political discourse in America, dears. MEANWHILE... The New York Post reported on more serious matters at the dinner—such as the fact that "Jessica Alba cancelled when hearing she'd be seated with Miss Lohan," and that Lohan "disappeared a few times into the john. For a cigarette. She said she doesn't usually smoke but she's boning up to prep for her Elizabeth Taylor role. [Which we fear will never happen. —Ann] In the ladies' room, an elderly Hispanic named Bianca was cleaning the stalls. Tearing up, the front-page blonde actress felon said: 'You're too old to be doing this,'" before insisting Bianca take a $100 bill. Wha? Lindsay did something kind of maybe not terrible? Maybe a little bit racist and patronizing, but not completely terrible? MEANWHILE... The third most awful person in the world was also at the dinner—Rick Santorum! "According to our sources inside the party, LiLo was sitting with Fox News personality Greta Van Susteren [fourth-worst, FYI —Ann] when Santorum came up to say hello," reports TMZ. "We're told Lindsay was asked to take a picture of him with Greta using his camera, which she did. Then... our sources say Rick asked to take a photo of Lindsay using his camera. Yes... of just Lindsay." IN RELATED NEWS... Minutes later, Bianca reported hearing "sounds like a masturbator would make" coming from a stall occupied by Santorum and his camera. USA! USA! USA!
SUNDAY, APRIL 29
Today the embittered neighing and whinnying that usually comes from the stables of Jennifer Aniston was accompanied by an obnoxious, donkey-like braying... which must mean Jen's BFF Chelsea Handler is giving another interview! "When asked in the latest issue of More magazine who would be the opposite of a girl's girl, the late-night chat show host was definite in her answer," Radar reports. "'Probably Angelina Jolie,' Chelsea said. 'She doesn't strike me as someone I would have a close friendship with. You just know as a woman, when you see another woman, if that's a woman you can trust. HEEE-HAWWW! HEEE-HAWWWW!'" Okay, fine. Maybe we made that "hee-haw" part up. But to be fair: You just know as a woman, when you hear another woman, if that's a woman who should just shut her donkey mouth already.