MONDAY, APRIL 30
At first we were (legitimately) horrified by the romantic pairing of our former favorite rapper Kanye West and slithering sea-whore Kim Kardashian. Then our horror was downgraded to mild hysteria. And now? While we're definitely not ready to accept their love, we have been able to admit that this is not a terrible dream, it's actually happening, and no amount of overeating and shoe shopping is going to change that fact. So to protect our mental well being, we've decided to become "disinterested observers" of this relationship, until it horribly implodes (hopefully in about a week or so). That said... recently the pair was photographed exiting a car, and Kanye's pants were undone and falling off. Now a disinterested observer would probably note: "Hmm. I bet Kim was giving Kanye a blowjob in that car." However, this is not reality, is it? This is Kimye World, in which nothing is what it seems. Kim explained to E! News why Kanye's pants were around his thighs: "[Kanye] was getting out of the car and his belt got pulled by this hook on the car door and he was trying to pull it up quick and his belt was really heavy." We hate this alternate universe so much. MEANWHILE... Realizing reality TV is beneath her (it's not... it's far above her), disfigured talentless ogre Kim Kardashian is now working on developing her own scripted half-hour comedy series, according to the New York Post. "Kim wants to move beyond reality TV and become a comedy actress," sez a snoopy spy. "She really wants to be the next [Modern Family's] Sofia Vergara." We want Kim to be the next Bea Arthur—which is to say, dead for the past three years.
TUESDAY, MAY 1
In gross sex news, "Octomom" Nadya Suleman (remember her?) is working her way out of bankruptcy by agreeing to appear in a porn film. (All together now... Ew!) However, the mom of the 14 saddest children in the universe had some strict requirements for taking on her first XXX role—including not touching "human flesh." Huh? "I wouldn't even kiss somebody for money," Nadya told Showbiz Tonight. "I wouldn't touch somebody." Wait... a porn flick where she doesn't touch anyone? What kind of dirty movie is this? An insider on the set says, "SpaghettiOs were all over her body and she's even throwing SpaghettiOs toward the camera." WHAT?? She's having sex with canned spaghetti? Answer us! WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THIS PORN MOVIE, NADYA? "I don't think I could have asked for a better crew to work with," Nadya said of her first-time porn experience. "They were so patient and willing to teach me. I owe a lot to Wicked Pictures contract star Jessica Drake; she opened my eyes to a whole different world of self-pleasure that I could have never imagined." Wait... no. No. NononononononononoNOOOOOOOOOO!!!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 2
The always despicable Ashton Kutcher dropped to a new level of despicableness (despicability?) when his new ad for snack food Popchips debuted on the internet today, in which he provided a clearly racist impersonation of an Indian man. A parody of internet dating sites, Kutcher poorly played a number of characters—but his portrayal of "Raj" (complete with brown face and heavy Indian accent) drew the most ire from the internet. "I can't imagine I have to explain this to anyone in 2012," said tech entrepreneur Anil Dash on his website, "but if you find yourself putting brown makeup on a white person in 2012 so they can do a bad 'funny' accent in order to sell potato chips, you are on the wrong course." In roughly a few hours, Popchips yanked the terribly unfunny video, and the company's CEO Keith Belling issued the following apology: "Our team worked hard to create a light-hearted parody featuring a variety of characters that was meant to provide a few laughs. I take full responsibility and apologize to anyone we offended." Unfortunately, Ashton has been silent throughout the controversy, and... what are we saying? For the good of the world, Ashton—just keep... your... mouth... SHUT.
THURSDAY, MAY 3
Recovering troublemaker Lindsay Lohan has been making a LOT of trips to the bathroom lately. According to the New York Press, LiLo was dashing back and forth to the loo during last week's White House Correspondents' Association Dinner, allegedly because she was trying to "sneak a cigarette break." Uh-huh. RIGHT. And this week, a source on the set of Glee tells Us magazine that Lindsay was six hours late to shoot her guest appearance, and then retreated to her trailer's bathroom "every five seconds." Look Lindsay... it's obvious to everyone what's really going on here. So just admit it already: You have a UTI, and you need to see a doctor as soon as possible. Cranberry juice helps, too.
FRIDAY, MAY 4
"Mila Kunis' alleged stalker has been unrelenting in his pursuit of the actress... going as far as breaking into her house," gabs TMZ. Police arrested Stuart Dunn for showing up several days in a row at her gym, as well as the aforementioned burglary, but something seems... we dunno... off. For instance! Did the police even ask if this "Stuart Dunn" person spoke with, say, an incredibly offensive Indian accent? Just asking. MEANWHILE... Presidential wannabe Mitt Romney has accepted the resignation of foreign policy spokesman Richard Grenell... who just so happens to be gay. Let's momentarily put aside the insanity of any self-respecting homosexual who's also a Republican (insanity!) and look at why the Romney camp got rid of Grenell: He was attracting too much attention. Grenell—whose catty tweets mocked the physical appearances of Hillary Clinton and Rachel Maddow—was a lighting rod for controversy, and while one would think any sort of attention would be welcomed by the charisma-challenged Mitt, it turns out gay attention wasn't what the campaign had in mind. After being not-so-subtly back-burnered in recent weeks, Grenell tendered his resignation. Romney quickly went into damage control, insisting his campaign selects "people not based upon their ethnicity or their sexual preference or their gender but upon their capability" and that Grenell was a "very accomplished spokesperson." Yes, Mitt. We're sure your conservative homophobic base was very sorry to see Grenell go.
SATURDAY, MAY 5
Adam Yauch—better known, perhaps, as the Beastie Boys' MCA—died yesterday. Yauch, who was diagnosed with cancer in 2009, was only 47. This is very sad news, as evidenced by the fact Hubby Kip has been playing Ill Communication on the stereo for the past four hours. We don't plan on making him turn it off anytime soon. MEANWHILE... In less depressing news, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton turned down an offer from charming Muppets star Jason Segel, who said in March that he'd love to star with Clinton in a romcom. Clinton—in between trying to solve major world crises—wrote Segel a letter this week. "I was delighted to read about your interest in sharing the big screen with me," she wrote. "As you can imagine, I am a little occupied at the moment, but perhaps someday I can help you forget Sarah Marshall... again." She then added that in any future projects the two might star in, "there be Muppets involved, and that is non-negotiable." Love her!
SUNDAY, MAY 6
Let's close out the week with a trifecta of terribleness, shall we? FIRST! "The epidemic of childhood obesity is leading some [school] districts to restrict the kinds of foods sold or to ban [bake] sales altogether," reports NPR—and, of course, this decline in bake-sale fundraisers is happening when our nation's schools are humiliatingly, shockingly under funded. Way to go, fatties! You've ruined everything again! If you somehow make the Girl Scouts change the recipe for Thin Mints, we swear to god.... SECOND! "I imagine I'll take things I learned from my mom and things I've learned from raising my nephews and apply that," Jay-Z told Oprah about how he plans to raise his horrifically named daughter, Blue Ivy. "Then, at the end of the day, I just know I'll probably have the worst, spoiled little kid ever." According to Us, four-month-old Blue Ivy has already been seen with a $559 Roberto Cavalli baby bag, $66 Little Marc Jacobs Baby Mouse slippers, and a $979 Bugaboo stroller (that last one was a gift from—shudder—Gwyneth Paltrow). In related news, America's bankrupt schools are churning out hordes of fat-assed dimwits. THIRD! An "unnamed masseur" is suing John Travolta for over $2 million after Travolta allegedly "began rubbing the masseur's leg," "touched his scrotum and the shaft of his penis," and, when his advances were rebuffed, made a subtle, seductive offer: "Come on, dude, I'll jerk you off!" The masseur describes Travolta's pubic hair as being—oh, look at that! Out of room! We'll continue this next week, dears. (Don't worry, we'll also try to dig up some news that doesn't involve Vinnie Barbarino and vomit.)