MONDAY, MAY 7
Hollyweird was rocked to its core today upon hearing the allegation that actor John Travolta is... wait for it... GAY!?! (Insert dramatic sting here!) Okay, fine, John Travolta has been accused of being a man-nibbler since the early '80s—but, c'mon... this is the first time this week! As reported last week in One Day at a Time, a masseur listed as "John Doe" is suing the Battlefield Earth (snicker) star for sexual battery, claiming that although the first hour of his session with the actor went unerotically as planned, Travolta then allegedly began rubbing the therapist's leg, as well as touching his scrotum and the shaft of his penis. (Don't say "eww!" yet....) After rejecting his horny advances, Doe claims Travolta offered to do a "reverse massage," adding, "Come on dude, I'll jerk you off!" (Don't say "eww!" yet....) To further coerce Doe, Travolta allegedly added that he got to where he is today because "Hollywood is controlled by homosexual Jewish men who expect favors in return for sexual activity"... and then he began to masturbate. (SAY "EWWW!") And his "pubic hair was wiry and unkempt." (EWWWW!!!!) Unsurprisingly, Travolta's high-powered bulldog lawyer Marty Singer issued a stern, vehement denial, barking, "This lawsuit is complete fiction and fabrication," adding that John wasn't even in California at the time and that they plan on suing both plaintiff and lawyer for malicious prosecution. Wait... what's that? Oh, Hubby Kip just popped into the room to say that he'd like us to keep our house, and that he's absolutely, positively sure that John Travolta "is not a gay dude." Thank you, dear. Go back to your Cheetos and Xbox. The adults are talking.
TUESDAY, MAY 8
What's this? Another male masseur has popped up to accuse John Travolta of sexual shenanigans? And this second accuser also says he has "substantial documentation" and "numerous witnesses" to back up his claims! SAUCY. Let's find out what John Doe #2 allegedly (... because Travolta is definitely NOT gay) has to say. During the massage session—according to the lawsuit—Travolta removed his sheets "because he could not tolerate the heat" and insisted on a lot of "glute" work, at which point he "spread his butt cheeks open," and "maneuvered in a way to try to force Doe Plaintiff #2 to touch his anus and around his anus." (Ewwwwwwww.) Toward the end of the not-sexy sesh, the plaintiff claims that Travolta suddenly flipped over, exposed his erection, and "started to grab, rub, and caress Doe Plaintiff #2's upper thighs and buttocks." (Ugggggh.) And at this point... of course... Travolta allegedly started masturbating again. (EW!! We're sensing a pattern here!) Anyway, rinse and repeat... Travolta's pitbull lawyer Marty Singer says that the second claim is "just as absurd and ridiculous as the first one," adding, "the problem in America is anyone can sue anyone." Doesn't sound like much of a problem for lawyers... but then again, we don't want to be sued. Have we mentioned lately how NOT GAY John Travolta is? Really not gay.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 9
And the hits just keep on comin'! While it appears that the charges leveled by John Doe #1 may have been hooey (John Travolta was on the other side of the country when the incident allegedly occurred), yet ANOTHER person has come forward with ANOTHER sexual misconduct accusation. Cruise worker Fabian Zanzi claims that on a 2009 Royal Caribbean voyage, Travolta propositioned him thusly: "[Travolta] said that he had something on his neck. I thought it was lint. When he got close to me, he took off his white robe and he was naked." (Smooooooth!) Zanzi then states that Travolta hugged him and offered him $12,000 for sex—which he of course turned down. ($12,000??? Hubby Kip! You just became John Travolta's new "massage therapist." Don't worry... HE'S NOT GAY.) MEANWHILE... After nearly four years of "evolving," President Obama finally came out of the closet, and publicly expressed his support for same-sex marriages. The prez claims he was inspired by his daughters, Malia and Sasha, as well as wife Michelle, but not at all by John Travolta... because why would he be, right? NOT GAY! AT... ALL.
THURSDAY, MAY 10
Meanwhile in "Heterosexual News"... Rihanna unfollowed dickhead douchebag Chris Brown on the Twatter machine today after the abusive ex-boyfriend dissed her in a remix of Kanye West's "Way Too Cold," rapping, "Don't fuck with my old bitch it's like a bad fur/Every industry n---a done had her/Shook the tree like a pumpkin just to smash her." Immediately after the unfollowing, Brown responded thusly: "Assumptions! I didn't say any names so if u took offense to it then it's something you feel guilty about." UGHH. He... is... the... WORST. And we let people like HIM get married?
FRIDAY, MAY 11
According to People, Jessica Simpson's new maternity clothing line will include "breezy, everyday pieces aimed at the modern mom-to-be"—WAIT, WAIT. Sorry, Jess, you just got bumped! Yesterday in the Washington Post, reporter Jason Horowitz decided to see what Mitt Romney was like when he attended Cranbrook School, an elite Michigan prep school. Good news, dears: Romney's classmates remember him as a loveable prankster—the sort of hilarious guy who would call out "Atta girl!" when a gay student would speak in class, for example, or the kind of charming young man who led a group of boys in pinning down John Lauber—a new student who was a year younger than Romney, gay, and had long, bleached blond hair—and, while Lauber screamed, hacked his hair off. "He can't look like that. That's wrong. Just look at him!" Romney told a classmate before he and his buddies cornered Lauber, "tackled him and pinned him to the ground. As Lauber, his eyes filling with tears, screamed for help, Romney repeatedly clipped his hair with a pair of scissors." "It was a hack job," fellow student Phillip Maxwell remembers. "It was vicious." "The incident transpired in a flash," the Post continues, adding that, according to then-prefect Matthew Friedemann, "Romney then led his cheering schoolmates back to his bay-windowed room in Stevens Hall." Romney was never disciplined for the incident; Lauber was later expelled. Romney told Fox News radio host Brian Kilmeade that he doesn't recall the incident. (He remembers Lauber, though: "I certainly don't believe that I thought the fellow was homosexual," Romney insisted. "That was the furthest thing from our minds back in the 1960s, so that was not the case.") "I participated in a lot of hijinks and pranks during high school and some might have gone too far and for that, I apologize," Romney said. The Post added that Romney's campaign mangers "denied a request for an interview with Romney" and "declined to comment further about his years at Cranbrook."
SATURDAY, MAY 12
Let's take a sec to wash that Cranbrook aftertaste out of our mouths, shall we? (Hubby Kip had to make us four martinis before we were able to stop calling Li'l Romney "a nauseating little shitbag" and "a real-life Prince Joffrey." Your mileage may vary.) MOVING ON... Former One Day at a Time starlet Britney Spears—who, before she disappeared, practically was this column—is stepping back into the limelight, having signed a $15 million contract to be a judge on Simon Cowell's The X Factor! Yes. Yes, yes, yes! Welcome back, Brit! It's great to see you. We can't wait for you to show that Lohan usurper how... it... is... done.
SUNDAY, MAY 13
That Britney bit was a nice little break from Mitt Romney news, wasn't it? Hope you enjoyed it, because yesterday Romney gave the commencement speech at the Lynchburg, Virginia, evangelical school Liberty University, which was founded by professional bigot Jerry Falwell to "train Champions for Christ." While Romney managed to refrain from tackling any students and chopping off their hair, he did use Liberty's pulpit to preach to evangelical voters graduates. "Marriage is a relationship between one man and one woman," Romney declared, adding Americans must trust "in God, not man," and "whether the cause is justice for the persecuted, compassion for the needy and the sick, or mercy for the child waiting to be born, there is no greater force for good in the nation than Christian conscience in action." Mittens! Go back to being awkward and boring! We thought you were just a bland joke! Now you're scaring the shit out of us! MEANWHILE... In slightly less worrisome news, "Things keep on heating up" for Kim and Kanye, reports Us. "West is working on a new track that seems to suggest potential wedding bells for the couple." The lyrics? "I saw you in the club in a tight dress/Now I want to put you in a white dress." Hmm. Well, it's clearly no "Gold Digger," but we suppose we'll wait until we hear the beat before we declare it the worst song ever. Which it totes will be, FYI.