MONDAY, MAY 14
Today in "Terrible People": Leering malevolent seahag Kim Kardashian is once again in the news for misleading the public. HOW SHE MISLED US #1: According to TMZ, Kim attached her name and image to a line of Skechers sneakers known as "Shape-Ups," which the company claimed help people lose weight and strengthen muscles—only, of course, they don't. The Federal Trade Commission slapped a $40 million fine on Skechers for their unfounded claims, which the evil, lying Kardashian helped promote. HOW SHE MISLED US #2: By rising to her mega-celebrity status by doing absolutely nothing, other than starring in a sex tape, participating in an idiotic reality show, and making our ass fatter. (We really thought those sneakers were going to work!) MEANWHILE... Remember "Tanning Mom"—the leathery New Jersey lady who's accused of taking her 6-year-old daughter into the tanning booth? Well, like Kim Kardashian, she's trying to turn her revolting nature into big bucks by offering to pose nude for Playboy. TMZ says the hunk of withered bacon has been practicing her "sexy poses" and is ready to accept the offer if asked. Fortunately for the world, a source from Playboy says "it wouldn't even be considered." Well, there's always a center spread in "Smoked Jerky Monthly."
TUESDAY, MAY 15
Another week, another person accusing actor John Travolta of junk groping! For those keeping score, the newest accuser is the fourth person to step forward—though the original John Doe #1 was dumped by his lawyer (and subsequently picked up by celeb attorney Gloria Allred) after it was revealed that Travolta was on the other side of the country on the night the alleged grope took place. The latest accuser—who we'll refer to as Gropee #4—is a personal trainer who would open the gym after hours to accommodate the actor. A source tells Radar Online, "The gym was opened as a courtesy to John Travolta so that he could avoid the public yet maintain his fitness in this physically challenging role that he was doing at the time." [Why is everyone so afraid to say the words Battlefield Earth?—Ann] The source continued, "The gym employee says that John Travolta groped and fondled him against his will." Naturally, Travolta's pitbull lawyer Marty Singer sang another stern denial, claiming he expected more alleged grope victims to "come out of the woodwork and assert false claims." Yay! And when you do, Gropees? Make them interesting. With detail. For example: "John Travolta fondled my testicles while wearing his Battlefield Earth costume! And co-star Forest Whitaker just stood there watching... with his lazy eye!"
WEDNESDAY, MAY 16
Congratulations to J.LO for being awarded the number one spot on Forbes' "Celebrity 100"—a list that celebrates people who make so much more money than you do, it's pathetic. And for doing what? Helping judge a singing reality show (which she just announced that she's leaving, because she's too "busy"), divorcing hubby Marc Anthony, and becoming a spokesmodel for Kohl's, which features clothing your grandmother would be ashamed to be buried in. She made $52 million in the last year, and even though she's a middling singer, is launching on a world concert tour. So whoop-dee-doo for you, J.LO. You may think you're great—but here's one word we'll never let you forget: Gigli.
THURSDAY, MAY 17
Speaking of terrible singing reality shows, we reported last week that former One Day poster girl Britney Spears signed a $15 million contract to become a judge on Simon Cowell's icky talent contest The X Factor. Today we learned the identity of her co-judge: the internationally famous Demi Lovato!! Wait... you don't have any idea who Demi Lovato is? Well, that could be because no one knows Demi Lovato—except ourselves, of course, who keeps up with these sorts of things. And now... a quick Demi Lovato "Get to Know Her" profile! After her first role as Angela on Barney & Friends—and we should probably stop there, but won't—Demi went on to star in Disney Channel vehicles such as Camp Rock and Sonny with a Chance, before launching a singing career which led to a botched relationship with Jonas Brother Joe Jonas, and a stint in rehab for substance abuse and bulimia. So as you can see, Demi will fit in with Britney... just fine. As soon as she shaves her head, and attacks an SUV with a golf umbrella. Baby steps!
FRIDAY, MAY 18
"Hundreds of owls are being abandoned across the country after being bought as pets by Harry Potter fans," reports Britain's Daily Mirror. "Sanctuaries are full of the birds now that the craze has faded after the release of the final Harry Potter film last year. And it's feared more have been illegally released into the wild and will have starved to death or taken over territory inhabited by smaller wild owls." (Or attack! Don't owls ever attack?) The Mirror continues, "The Harry Potter owl craze echoes that of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle film in the early 1990s, when thousands of unwanted pet terrapins were dumped in Britain's rivers, canals, and lakes." Congrats, irresponsible British dweebs. If we'd had you sabotaging your own country with nerd birds and "terrapins" a few hundred years ago, we could've avoided a whole Revolutionary War. IN OTHER NEWS FROM EUROPE... "Will Smith just slapped a Ukranian reporter across the face," TMZ reports. The reporter—whose shtick, apparently, is to kiss celebrities—tried "to kiss Will on the lips on the red carpet" of Men in Black 3 before Smith shoved him and then backhanded him across the face, later explaining to reporters, "He's lucky I didn't sucker punch him." Will Smith: All these years later and he's still that same sweet, adorable Fresh Prince.
SATURDAY, MAY 19
"A group of high-profile Republican strategists is working with a conservative billionaire on a proposal to mount one of the most provocative campaigns of the 'super PAC' era and attack President Obama in ways that Republicans have so far shied away from," reports the New York Times, noting their $10-million plan "calls for running commercials linking Mr. Obama to incendiary comments by his former spiritual adviser, the Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright, Jr." The group plans to hire a "metrosexual, black Abe Lincoln" as their spokesman to push forth the message of Joe Ricketts—the guy writing that $10 million check, the founder of Ameritrade, and, as the Times notes, a glowing example of how "a single individual can create his own movement and spend unlimited sums to have major influence on a presidential election." So! This can only end well! (Though we are curious to hear more about this metrosexual Abe Lincoln....) UPDATE! "Mitt Romney is disavowing a plan by some wealthy Republicans to attack President Obama," NPR reports. "Even the people behind that proposal said they are abandoning it after their idea was plastered on the front page of the New York Times." The bad news? We've got a pretty good hunch that if Republicans are willing to bribe a black metrosexual with $10 million to push their creepy agenda, they're spending way more on secret experiments to resurrect Ronald Reagan.
SUNDAY, MAY 20
Lisa Marie Presley—remember her?—is dunzo with Scientology! (Oh, she was a Scientologist? Okay.) Her new song "So Long" (she records music?) is a slap to the cult: "Churches, they don't have a soul/Soup for sale without a bowl/Religion so corrupt and running lives/Farewell fair weathered friends/I can't say I'll miss you in the end." "Ugh, that song is TERRIBLE," screeched Emperor Klaatu of Rigel VII when reached for comment. "This 'Lisa Marie' knows nothing of L. Ron's Upper Echelon Beliefs, let alone how real celebrities—like my close personal friend Tom Cruise—maintain their faith! Say, Ann, did you happen to read the most recent Playboy?" We hadn't, but Klaatu was kind enough to lend us his copy, which he admitted was "slightly used." The Tom Cruise interview within, naturally, went into Scientology: "If I don't talk about my religion, if I say I'm not discussing it or [mention] different humanitarian things I'm working on, they're like 'He's avoiding it,'" Cruise complains. "If I do talk about it, it becomes 'Oh, he's proselytizing.'" "WELL?! Do you see the difficult position Tom is in?" Emperor Klaatu interrupted. "At least Tom deals with it, unlike that harpy with her stupid song about soup bowls. A-ha! That gives me an idea! Thraken Slaybeasts, to me! Sharpen your claws and lube your tongue barbs! Bring me this 'Lisa Marie' humanoid! I shall use her blood as stock for Lurvanian Soul Soup, and her skull as a bowl, and I will text Tom to see if he wants some too, and if he says yes and comes over then we will watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians! Which is actually pretty good this season, whatever some people might say!" Whatevs, Klaatu. On this—as with so many things—we're just going to have to agree to disagree.