MONDAY, MAY 21
This just in: Chris Brown is still a dick. And, perhaps unsurprisingly, his fans are also dicks. Sunday night at the Billboard Music Awards, unrepentant abuser Brown performed a clearly sub-par lip-synched version of his song "Turn up the Music." This unleashed a torrent of Twatter snarkiness including a jab from singer Pink, who noted, "One day if I lip synch, I hope I do it as well as him." Sports Illustrated model Chrissy Teigen also joined in on the fun, who twattered, "Why sing when you can dance?" This mildly critical opinion sent the aforementioned CB fans (dubbed "Team Breezy" even though they most certainly are not) into a dickish frenzy. "I hope you are the next 'celebrity' to die," twattered one. "Ditzy dumb ass tramp your mother should've aborted you," twattered another, which was followed by, "all you do is talk shit, you need to be raped and murdered." Naturally, a thoughtful and moral celebrity would've hopped to Chrissy's defense—but we are talking about Chris Brown here. "Team Breezy!" he twattered in weak response. "Lets stop sending death threats! I know y'all bout that life but it's the wrong message! Ur turning haters into victims! And that only furthers their pointless existence!" Sooooo... the message to his fans is "don't kill the critics—even though they don't deserve to live?" Wow. Send this man on a UN peacekeeping mission! MEANWHILE... Uggh. It's Brown again. According to the New York Post, creepy Chris was attempting to charm a gaggle of girls (with bottles of champagne) at Vegas hot spot Haze at Aria before they became unsurprisingly bored by his antics and moved to another table. An eyewitness claims the infuriated Brown followed the girls and began verbally attacking a man they were talking to, screaming at him, "Are these girls with you or with me?" Club security whisked Brown away and out of the bar before punches could be thrown. RELATED QUESTION: Is there a Nobel Prize for assholes?
TUESDAY, MAY 22
No one is more pleased than us by the return of Britney Spears and her new job as judge for the reality singing contest The X Factor. Not only is this a valuable step in her continued recovery, but we gossip lovers are rubbing our greedy little hands together in hopeful anticipation of tons of juicy new scoop! (Guys! It's gonna be 2007 all over again!) Perez Hilton reports that in addition to the $15 million Britney's receiving from The X Factor, she's also demanding the following items backstage: six 24-pack cases of Diet Coke, 10 snack-sized bags of Doritos, 10 pieces of chicken, four pints of potato salad, and 12 Snickers bars. Wait... DIET Coke? What's she turning into? A health fanatic??
WEDNESDAY, MAY 23
It's time again for the Hollyweird soap opera, As the Travolta Gropes. Previously on As the Travolta Gropes, John Travolta was accused of at least four instances of inappropriate grabbing, fondling, stroking, and/or diddling man parts. Naturally, these rumors are stupid, vicious lies because (as Travolta's pitbull lawyer keeps reminding us) John is so NOT GAY! Now a new twist has been added, because the alleged victims' lawyers are now threatening to sue each other. After John Doe #1 was dropped by lawyer Okorie Okorocha for allegedly fudging the dates of his supposed Travolta grope, Doe #1 was picked up by celeb super-attorney Gloria Allred—who's now said to be going after another of Okorocha's clients, John Doe #2! "I can't believe fucking Allred called you," Okorocha angrily texted to Doe #2. "She ain't been in a courtroom in 20 years. Just doing stupid-ass press conference sideshows." Okorocha is suing Allred, who in turn is planning on counter-suing for defamation of character. And that's this week's... As the Travolta Gropes. (Booooo. This show is so boring when they focus on minor characters. More diddling please!)
THURSDAY, MAY 24
You remember one of our favorite characters from the 2008 presidential election, Mr. Levi Johnston who sent veep nominee Sarah Palin into all sorts of tizzies after he impregnated her daughter Bristol. Levi has since posed for Playgirl magazine, written an autobiography (Deer in the Headlights), and according to Us is now "penniless and living in his mother's Alaskan home." A source tells the gabby tab that "Levi made more than $1 million and squandered it on guns, boats, and four-wheelers." Let's take a moment to let that sink in. (Pause.) Ahhh... life is so sweet. However, things aren't universally terrible for Levi who's expecting a daughter with girlfriend Sunny Oglesby, and plans to name her Breeze Beretta... after the gun. The source aptly notes, "Levi is confused about his life." Take another moment.... (Pause.) Ahh... so sweet.
FRIDAY, MAY 25
As previously noted, Britney Spears is currently getting paid $15 million to be a judge on The X Factor, Simon Cowell's latest obnoxious reality show. (This makes perfect sense, you see, since the Britta's known for her excellent judgment. Hey, here's a fun name you haven't seen for a while: Kevin Federline!) So... how's the show going? "Britney Spears walked off the set of X Factor," reveals TMZ, adding, "According to several people in the audience, she was upset after a contestant butchered her song, 'Hold It Against Me.' Britney did not come back... and four contestants auditioned in front of the remaining judges... and an empty seat." While normally we'd say this is totally fair—only Britney is allowed to butcher Britney songs!—other reports claim Brit-Brit was upset by "the audience reacting negatively to some of her comments." None of this is a problem, though, since Cowell is reportedly willing to give Britta "just about anything" to ensure her participation—including the ability to leave whenever she feels like it. In summation, this show cannot air soon enough.
SATURDAY, MAY 26
"You don't want to fuck with Justin Bieber," observed Gawker this weekend, kicking off a story about how, when a paparazzo tried to take the teenybopper's picture, a physical altercation occurred—and now Das Biebs is a suspect in a "criminal battery," says TMZ! "According to witnesses," Gawker continued, "a lawyer who saw the incident approached the paparazzo and told him he could make a lot of money by pressing charges. And wouldn't you know it—the injured party then complained of pain in his upper torso." Normally we'd be suspicious that the 65-pound Bieber could cause anyone harm—but just a few days before, Mike Tyson tweeted pictures of him giving boxing lessons to Bieber. (Friendly reminder: Back before he delighted frat boys everywhere with that zany cameo in The Hangover, Tyson's hobbies included "assault," "rape," and "biting people's ears off.") Could this be the dawn of a new era for Justin? From a boy who makes tween girls' hearts beat fast... to a man who beats the hearts of grown men into bloody submission? Eh. Probs not. MEANWHILE... Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are reconciling! Oh, wait. They're just doing some dumb Kabbalah crap. "The lines of communication have really opened up for 49-year-old Demi and Ashton, 34, thanks to their spiritual guru," Radar Online gabs, quoting a source as noting, "They have met up to discuss where to go next. Whether it be to divorce, or if there is a journey to travel together... they both feel it's important to have spiritual guidance to accomplish it." The world's most annoying source continues, "I know they met up with [the] rabbi around the time of the Gemini New Moon last Monday—it signifies a time of new beginnings." UGH. Sometimes we think Kabbalah is even stupider than Scientology! But then we remember that thetans and e-meters and Battlefield Earth and laugh and laugh and remember that nothing is stupider than Scientology. Except for maybe Ashton Kutcher. Now let's move on—quickly, dears, before Emperor Klaktu's squadron of Xylborthean shadow assassins can trace our location!
SUNDAY, MAY 27
Ann Romney "took up dressage at age 50 as a therapy for multiple sclerosis, but it soon became her passion. Riding, she has said, 'sings to my soul,'" reports the New York Times. Dressage, for those of us who grew up sans silver spoon, is a sport for bored rich ladies, "in which horses costing up to seven figures execute pirouettes and other dance-like moves for riders wearing tails and top hats." Huh. Despite that soul-singing, however, the Romneys have been quiet about Ann's love of dressage—probably because, as the Times notes, "They may have been wary of the kind of fallout that came after Mr. Romney's mention of the 'couple of Cadillacs' his wife owned and the disclosure of plans for a car elevator in the family's $9 million beach house in California." IN OTHER FINANCIAL NEWS... Nevada tanning salon Tanning Vegas still hasn't received a dime from Lindsay Lohan, who was ordered by a judge last year to pay what she owed for tanning services from 2007 to 2009—a whopping $40,000. "Damn," said Tanning Mom, speaking from her death coffin of UV rays. "That's... that's gross."