Let's kick off the week with some gays and some zombies—because of course, right? This past weekend a naked Miami man was shot by police for the crime of eating someone's face off. This incident was followed by a young Maryland man who allegedly admitted to dismembering his roomie and eating his heart and brain. Meanwhile, up in Canada, the hunt is on for a porn actor who murdered a young man with an ice pick, cut him into pieces, and then (ahem) raped and ate flesh from the corpse before sending select parts to certain members of the Canadian government. Sooooo... obviously the Zombie Apocalypse is on, and someone forgot to send us the Evite. Note to anyone considering zombification: Zombies are, like, totes 2006. Glittery vampires are totes 2010. But shambling mummies? Totes NOW! Hot fashion tip from Ann: Stock up on rolls of bandages this summer, and beat the rush come fall. (Wink!) MEANWHILE... You'll also be pleased to note the far more festive Gay Apocalypse is still on, going strong, and racking up two big wins this week. WIN #1: Sex and the City actress Cynthia Nixon tied the knot (legally, we might add) to her longtime gal pal Christine Marinoni on Sunday, which means their 15-month-old son Max will have two married parents. (Which should make you Christians happy, shouldn't it?) WIN #2: Now that the homophobic organization One Million Moms (probably only six) has failed in their boycott of J.C. Penney after the store chose lesbian talk show host Ellen DeGeneres as their spokesperson, the department store is sticking it to them again by releasing a new Father's Day ad featuring... two hunky gay dads. "What makes Dad so cool?" asks the ad, which features real-life gay dads Todd Koch and Cooper Smith, seen playing with their two adorable kids. "He's the swim coach, tent maker, best friend, bike fixer, and hug giver—all rolled into one. Or two." What this world needs are one million gay dads.

Sigh. May as well get this one out of the way... It's official: Finally securing the 1,144 necessary delegates, Mitt Romney is the Republican nominee for president of the United States. Excuse us for a moment... (laughs uproariously into a satin throw pillow). Okay, we're back. Good luck with that, Mitt. MEANWHILE... CNN'S Wolf Blitzer and "Mayor of Idiot Town" Donald Trump got into a hilarious televised slapfight today over the billionaire's birther beliefs. After Trump repeatedly asserted his dumbshit theory that President Obama wasn't born in this country, Wolf responded, "Donald, you're beginning to sound a little ridiculous, I have to tell you." This caused Donald to shoot back, "No, I think YOU sound ridiculous"—at which point Trump's toupee flipped up in the air, and a little bird wearing an "Uncle Sam" outfit popped out of his head, squawking, "I think this entire discussion is ridiculous." Upon witnessing this, the Republican Party immediately dropped their nomination of Mitt Romney, and threw all their support behind "Uncle Sam the Bird Living inside Donald Trump's Head."

As secretly hoped, Britney Spears' tenure as a judge for The X Factor is already... ummm... shaky. As reported last week, Brit-Brit stormed away from the judging table after one of her songs was butchered at an audition, and later snapped at boss/co-judge Simon Cowell for being "RUDE" to a contestant. Currently, there are two theories for Britney's bizarre behavior: (1) Simon is actually encouraging her to act weird to drum up publicity for his failing show, and (2) according to Radar Online, Britney is off her meds. A loose-lipped inside source says, "Britney was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder in her teens and used to take medication for it. However, she can't take it now because it interferes with the other medications she takes for her mental health issues." Hmm... that almost sounds believable—and therefore less interesting. That's why we're going with theory number one. Simon! How could you??

Rahhrrrr! RAHHRRRRR!! Yep, that's the sound of grotesque, misshapen celebrity gargoyle Kim Kardashian screaming about British Airways stealing something from her luggage. From her twatter account: "Very disappointed in British Airways for opening my luggage & taking some special items of mine! Some things are sentimental &not replaceable." So far, the airline—"What happened to the days when you could lock your bags!" Kardashian screechingly interrupted. "We need to get back to that. There's no sense of security & no trust!" Okay, anyway as we were saying, the air—"Shame on you!" SHUT YOUR UGLY TROLL MOUTH, YOU FILTHY HARPY!!! (Phew. We're sorry, but this wench drives us crazy!) So what exactly was stolen from her luggage to warrant this hissy fit and multiple interruptions? "A pair of vintage sunglasses," according to TMZ. That's it? That's what all this is about? OKAY. But before you accuse anyone else of thievery, Kim, are you sure those sunglasses were in your suitcase? Because we think maybe you should check under YOUR BIG FAT ASS, YOU STINKING PILE OF WALKING DIARRHEA!!!

(Take a deep breath. Phewwwww.) Okay, dears—this weekend was busier than Emperor Klaktu at a Battlefield Earth convention, so let's get to it. Try to keep up! FIRST: Despite only having dated since March, Kanye West and rancid garbage heap Kim Kardashian are "thinking about moving in together," a source tells omg! Naturally, we wish America's Least Favorite Couple™ all the best, and look forward to visiting their new home if we're ever in the neighborhood. By which we mean the Third Circle of Hell, as described in Dante's Inferno as a fetid pit for the most gluttonous among us. They should fit right in at the homeowners' association meetings! SECOND: Us just won the coveted One Day at a Time Headline of the Week Award with this classic: "Simon Cowell Wonders if Hiring Britney Spears for X Factor Was a 'Mistake.'" Hmm. You think, Simon? In addition to Spears walking off the set last week, and subsequent screaming fit, Us says Cowell is also having problems with Britney's judging—such as when she told "one mediocre singer he could be 'bigger than Justin Bieber.'" ARGH why isn't this show on our TiVo right this very second?! THIRD: Octomom has a new job! "She has booked a gig at T's Lounge in West Palm Beach, Florida, for her first stint as a stripper," says TMZ. "According to our sources, Octo has felt 'sexually liberated' since filming her solo porn." Do with this information as you will, dears—personally, we're going to move right on to Saturday and pretend we never even typed that last sentence.

A Hong Kong tabloid is claiming that Chinese actress Zhang Ziyi—whose internationally renowned beauty is the sole reason Hubby Kip has made us watch no fewer than 400,000 boring kung fu movies—has had "sexual transactions with various rich and powerful figures [that] have netted her [$110 million] over the last 10 years." Zhang immediately refuted the claims, calling them "completely untrue" and "extremely ridiculous." Nevertheless, it appears Hubby Kip just emptied our savings account and bought a one-way ticket to Hong Kong. So. This will turn out well.

And we close out the week with a visit from an old favorite: Charlie Sheen, who—gasp!—just might be back on drugs. Radar Online claims he's been "partying until the wee hours of the morning at his Beverly Hills mansion," with one grumpy neighbor gabbing, "Cars containing scantily clad women arrive very late in the evening and don't leave until the next day." Sheen's buddies at TMZ asked the actor if he's using drugs again. Naturally, Sheen responded... in poetry.

I can't speak to anyone's opinion or judgement.
I was there
they were not.
their tepid
hearsay is a baseless
static drone.
a mantra.
their theme.
I refuse to be held hostage by their 'constitutional'
to judge those
who can and who do.

Charlie: It's so good to have you back. And say—have you ever considered competing on The X Factor? Just a thought, Charlie. Just a beautiful, beautiful thought.