MONDAY, JUNE 4
Let's start the week with some gay news for the gays! According to a new poll released today by CNN and some organization we've never heard of, for the first time ever, a majority of Americans (54 percent) say that same-sex marriages should be legalized. ABOUT TIME. But—welcome to the party, regardless. We hope you brought cupcakes. Shockingly, Republicans by and large will not be partaking in these cupcakes, because this same poll shows that a whopping 72 percent of them refuse to acknowledge that same-sex marriage is an eventuality, and that in a few short years, they will be correctly recognized as stupid, flatulent dinosaurs who will severely regret never eating our cupcakes. Seriously, though... you brought cupcakes, right? MEANWHILE... On Sunday, Olivia Culpo of Rhode Island was crowned Miss USA—which would've gone largely unnoticed were it not for her answer to the question, "Would it be fair if a transgender woman won the Miss USA title?" Ms. Culpo responded, "I do think it would be fair [because] there are so many people who have a need to change for a happier life. I do accept that because I believe it's a free country." The crowd erupted in cheers, while a nearby group of farting dinosaurs cursed under their breath and stared longingly at the cupcake table.
TUESDAY, JUNE 5
As you surely remember, Lindsay Lohan is currently filming the clumsily named Lifetime movie Liz & Dick, in which she'll portray the iconic Elizabeth Taylor. Today the production leaked a photo of LiLo dressed and made up as Liz, and the result was... well... let's let the catty tongues over at Dlisted describe the photo: "If you took one of Elizabeth Taylor's headshots, soaked it in dirty meth pipe water, charred its edges on a hobo's trash-can fire, tore it into a dozen pieces and then pasted those pieces back together using homemade silly putty and black tar heroin, the image looking back at you would look more like Elizabeth Taylor than this picture of Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor does." After seeing the picture as well, we must concur. (Though we would've said donkey sperm instead of silly putty.) MEANWHILE... Former teen star Amanda Bynes—of the Nickelodeon kids' show All That—is in the soup for sideswiping a police cruiser while allegedly under the influence of alcohol. But, rather than wait for her day in court, she took her case to the tippy top: President Barack Obama. Ummm... via her Twatter machine? "Hey @BarackObama...," she twatted. "I don't drink. Please fire the cop who arrested me. I also don't hit and run. The end." Wow. Move over, Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men—you've just been out-lawyered by Amanda Bynes. ("Ms. Bynes? Lindsay Lohan for you on line two. She's planning on wrecking her Porsche this weekend, and wants to know if you can twat the prez in advance.")
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 6
Dentally challenged pop star Miley Cyrus is engaged, y'all! And the unlucky groom-to-be is hunky Liam Hemsworth, best known for his dreamy turn as Gale from The Hunger Games. Normally upon hearing this news, we would shrug, sniff, and turn our attention back to our pedicure, already in progress. However, this little snaggletoothed hillbilly bitch received an engagement ring we would kill for—which means all bets are off. According to People, the ring is "a 3.5-carat cushion-cut diamond ring, handcrafted in 18-karat gold with intricately carved diamond floral motifs in an art nouveau pattern." BITCH. "[The center stone] was hand cut around 1880 or 1890," says celebrity jeweler Neil Lane who adds, "The light flashes and sparkles no matter where Miley moves her hand." BITCH. In a related story, Hubby Kip is getting off the goddamned couch and heading to the jewelry store NOW to replace this dinky, pathetic cubic zirconia on my finger. And don't you DARE go to Fred Meyer!!
THURSDAY, JUNE 7
Drunken barrel of monkeys Charlie Sheen is back in the tabs—this time for screaming at a security guard at LA's Staples Center during a Kings game. Chuckles tried to step out for a smoke, when the security officer informed him of their "no re-admittance" policy—but Sheen took it well. "You know what??" screeched Charlie. "Fucking blow my balls, all right, you fucking asshole." Also, when asked by a fan if he had "ever done bath salts," Charlie calmly responded, "Would you ask me that at a fucking dinner party, you moron? GO FUCK YOURSELF!!" And when yet another fan advised Charlie to "fuck all the hos tonight," he sagely replied, "I thought your mother and sister weren't available." Okay... that was a good one.
FRIDAY, JUNE 8
Today marked the fourth day of production for Lindsay Lohan's Lifetime TV movie Liz & Dick! Taking no chances, the production arranged to chauffer LiLo and her assistant to the set each day in a Cadillac Escalade limousine. We don't see how this could possibly go wro—oh. "When they went to pick her up today, for some reason she decided they would get in her own car, so the limousine driver followed them," Liz & Dick producer Larry A. Thompson told Yahoo! But as usually happens when Linds makes decisions, things went... awry. "The limo was behind Lohan when she rear-ended a dump truck, totaling her Porsche," Yahoo! continues. The dump truck driver, according to TMZ, watched as "Lindsay and her male assistant got out of the Porsche and into the Escalade," with the assistant picking up a mysterious pink bag, filling it up with "something," and then stuffing clothes on top of it. When the driver approached the Escalade to trade insurance info, the driver suggested they all "go to the bank" to get some cash to pay the dump truck driver to keep his mouth shut. "The Escalade driver and Lindsay's assistant put on a full-court press," says TMZ. "Him and the guy took me across the street and told me this was some kind of famous person and they didn't want to be in the media," the driver explains. "But I'd already called 911 because they were trying to get away from the scene. But they packed a bag and then the limousine driver told me, 'Don't mention the bag to the cops.'" So instead he told TMZ, and now we all know. Dump truck driver? You are a hero. Sinister Lohan cohorts? You are sinister. Liz & Dick producer Larry A. Thompson? Your movie is never going to be finished. Because you hired Lindsay Lohan. This is actually a pretty good day at work for her.
SATURDAY, JUNE 9
Charlie Sheen update! In a new Rolling Stone interview, the Sheenster discloses his feelings about women's feet ("I've not dated girls because of their feet, just the length of certain toes and the shape of where things should be and they're not. Hammertoes are bad. And the second toe being too long? That's bad, too") and—shocking no one—the fact he's still drinking. "I don't see what's wrong with a few drinks," he slurred, shortly before pointing out he drinks vodka straight, because "ice is for injuries." Indeed it is, Charlie. MEANWHILE... In other news about jackasses, more info continues to come out about Mitt Romney's wacky, prank-filled college career. (You might remember the time he and his buddies attacked a longhaired gay kid and cut off his hair. Good times!) Now it turns out one of L'il Mitt's favorite pranks was to wear a Michigan State Trooper's uniform and pretend to be a cop. According to the biography The Real Romney, Mitt once dressed up in the uniform and "put a siren on the top of his car and chased two of his friends who were driving around with their dates." While Mitt's friends were in on the gag, their dates weren't—and according to the National Memo, "Mitt told his two counterparts to get out of their vehicle and into his car. Then they drove off, leaving the girls behind." Oh, that Mittens!
SUNDAY, JUNE 10
Here's a funny news item: John Travolta is allegedly even gayer than originally thought! "The actor had a six-year gay affair with his pilot," Radar reveals. Turns out the ex-lover of the pilot, Doug Gotterba, blabbed to the National Enquirer, telling the tabloid that Gotterba found it "very lucrative" to be "John's 'personal right-hand man.'" Eventually, the story says, Gotterba called things off—due to Travolta's "'hairy body' and his weight gain between movies.... John's advances eventually started to repulse him." Wait, we're sorry. We thought this story would be funnier than it is. This is actually kind of sad. We hate to leave you on a down note, though, so... um... oh! Got it! Quick! Go to the top of this page and reread Monday's blurb! That one was hilarious! And there are cupcakes!