CHRIS BROWN Punch drunk.

MONDAY, JUNE 11
Today in "Ohhhh, Gurrrrrl": New questions have emerged after Lindsay Lohan rear-ended a dump truck last week. As you certainly remember, Lindsay was supposed to take a limo to her acting job on the set of Liz & Dick (still a terrible name) but took her own car instead, when suddenly... SCREEEEECH! BAM! The dump truck thing happened. Now, LiLo told police she wasn't driving when the accident occurred. However, Lindsay's assistant, who was also in the car at the time, apparently didn't get the memo, and told the coppers that LiLo WAS the driver. (In Lindsay's defense, it's incredibly difficult to find a personal assistant who knows when to appropriately lie.) Whoopsy on that, because it's a crime to provide false information to a police officer, and if they decide to pursue it, Lindsay would be in violation of her parole, and sent back to the hoosegow, where she will kiss her opportunity to defame the ghost of Elizabeth Taylor goodbye forever. Oh! And another thing: While Lindsay passed an onsite sobriety test, police also found an open container of alcohol in the trunk. Note to Liz & Dick producers: Exactly what did you think was going to happen? MEANWHILE... Next in "Ohhhh, Gurrrrrl": Buck-toothed hillbilly siren Miley Cyrus wants fiancé Liam Hemsworth's sperm inside her NOW—according to Star. "Miley has been bragging that she and Liam haven't been using protection," snipes a snoopy source, "and her feeling is 'whatever happens, happens.' She's ready to be a mom." Note to Miley Cyrus from your future baby: "Ohhhh, Gurrrrrl."

TUESDAY, JUNE 12
Speaking of stupid people doing stupid things, former beloved rapper Kanye West is getting ever closer to doing the unfathomable: marrying Kim Kardashian. "They're seriously talking marriage," says an aghast Kanye pal to Us Weekly. "And yes, she would [accept his proposal]." Of course she would, because she's an even bigger idiot than he is. WHY IS THE WORLD SO STUPID?? (Sorry... sorry... let's continue.) Yet another source revealed to Us that "Kanye says he can't wait to see [Kim] carrying his child. He says she will look beautiful pregnant." Let us amend that last exclamation: WHY IS KANYE WEST SO STUPID?? (Sorry... sorry... okay, obviously he's not stupid... we mean, how can someone pen an album as great as Graduation and be stupid, right? There's got to be a more logical explanation for his behavior... like he's been replaced by a less intelligent doppelbot. That's a doppelganger robot, BTW, and... okay. Done digressing.) MEANWHILE... Tonight in Paris, Kanye twattered a picture of what appeared to be a nude Kim Kardashian eating a banana. The pic was quickly removed, but porn star Amia Miley jumped on Twatter claiming that the picture was of her—not Kim. Meanwhile, no one knows why he would do such a thing. Ahem. WHY IS KANYE WEST'S DOPPELBOT SO STUPID??

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13
Suggestion to everyone currently living on Earth: Stay out of Rihanna's way! The tart-tongued pop star is infamous for flying off the handle at smack-talkin' fans on Twatter—and today England's The Sun newspaper got an unpleasant taste of her unseemly talents. After accusing Rihanna of using a body double in her sexy ads for Armani, the singer used a surprising amount of restraint in her Twatter response: "Ok @thesunnewspaper, this is the only way I could say this to you!!! FUCK YOU...AND yo baggy ass condom." Ohhhh-kay. Don't make eye contact, The Sun. Just drop your head and slowly back away. This time you got off easy.

THURSDAY, JUNE 14
Meanwhile Rihanna's abuser, and unapologetic dickhead, Chris Brown stirred up more trouble in an NYC nightclub tonight when both his entourage and that of rapper and archenemy Drake got into a huge, punch-throwing, bottle-tossing rumble. Details are sketchy, but we assume the brawl started because both rappers used to date Rihanna, and Chris Brown is a malodorous douche. By the time police arrived Brown and Drake had fled the scene, but the melee caused thousands of dollars in damage, and injured five people including an innocent female Australian tourist whose head was gashed open by a thrown bottle—which sadly counts as another notch in Brown's "female abuse belt." (If this keeps up, he's gonna need a bigger belt!)

FRIDAY, JUNE 15
LINDSAY LOHAN IS DEAD. While it'd be disingenuous to suggest that no one could have seen this coming, it's with a surprisingly heavy heart that we report this morning, the actress was found unconscious in her penthouse room at the Ritz-Carlton in Marina del Rey, where she had been staying while filming the ickily named Lifetime TV movie Liz & Dick. Paramedics were called at 10:15 am after Lohan did not leave the hotel room on schedule. According to Gawker, after being found in her room, people were unable to wake her up. After being examined by the paramed—oh. Oh, this is embarrassing. Phew! Lindsay is fine! Lohan's perpetually beleaguered rep, Steve Honig, frantically explained the whole misunderstanding to ABC—blaming "exhaustion and dehydration" for Lindsay's "nap," and claiming that "Lindsay was examined and is fine, but did suffer some exhaustion and dehydration." The paramedics "left without transporting her to the hospital," TMZ adds. "Lindsay is back on set shooting her Lifetime movie." We'll say it again: PHEW. Linds! When you live as you do, you cannot do this to us. We were worried sick. Can you imagine us having to write One Day at a Time without you, Lindsay? We can't. And we don't want to. Don't make us, dear. Don't make us.

SATURDAY, JUNE 16
"For someone so exhausted, it was shocking to see her out past 1 am," a source gabbed to Us Weekly—speaking, natch, of the OMG-we-all-thought-she-was-dead-for-a-second-there Lindsay Lohan. Less than 24 hours later, LiLo was partying it up at the swanky Chateau Marmont, where, Us notes, she was spotted "chatting with a group of five men" and "spent the night surrounded by celebs" while gussied up in her Elizabeth Taylor makeup. Naturally, Lindsay's rep was on hand to explain. "Lindsay had been working the night shift for the last two or three nights so it's quite reasonable that she was up and having dinner at 1 am," Steve Honig insisted, again, bravely giving it a shot. "It takes her body a day or two to adjust back from that timing." Oh, Steve Honig, you sweetheart—whatever Linds is paying you, it's not nearly enough. MEANWHILE... "President Barack Obama's administration announced Friday that it would stop deporting younger illegal immigrants and begin granting them work permits," the Talking Points Memo reports. This could help as many as 800,000 immigrants who would otherwise be deported, and is, obvs, a huge step away from the racist attitudes that have defined recent laws. As the New York Times noted, Obama's decision was also a "bluntly political move, a play for a key voting bloc in the states that will decide whether he gets another term"—but it's also a really, really good thing, so hooray! MEANWHILE... Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney attempted to speak against Obama's decision without looking like a total racist... annnnd he failed. "I believe the status of young people who came here through no fault of their own is an important matter to be considered and should be solved on a long-term basis so they know what their future would be in this country," Romney said. "I think the actions the president took today make it more difficult to reach that kind of long-term solution because an executive order, of course, is a short-term matter that can be reversed by subsequent presidents." Romney's microphone was cut off before he continued, "Subsequent presidents, like, say... ME!" before erupting into a jag of maniacal laughter.

SUNDAY, JUNE 17
Rodney King—the black man who, in 1991, was tragically and viciously beaten by the Los Angeles Police Department, eventually leading to a week of deadly race riots—died today at age 47. "LAPD Going About Day in Uncomfortable Silence," reported the Onion—a joke headline that, nonetheless, we're pretty sure is 100 percent accurate. MEANWHILE... After their characters hooked up on Mad Men, it appears former Gilmore Girl Alexis Bledel and Pete Campbell himself, Vincent Kartheiser, have hooked up in real life, according to Perez Hilton! "Guess life is imitating art this time around!" Perez squawked. "Definitely a cute couple!" We beg to differ, Perez, as they both look like hydrocephalic fetuses crudely fashioned out of cookie dough. All the best, you two! AND... Lest we forget, it's Father's Day—and the award for the best Father's Day wish goes to 24-year-old Ronan Farrow, son of Woody Allen and Mia Farrow, for this tweet: "Happy father's day—or as they call it in my family, happy brother-in-law's day." Ka-zing! You have our respect and admiration, Ronan! Happy Brother-in-Law's Day to you too.