MONDAY, JULY 23
Do you consider your family to be incontrovertibly fucked up? Of course you do... but you have no idea. You have no idea of the depths of fucked-uppiness a family can sink to until you read what the Jackson family has been up to this week. As you may know, when Michael Jackson died, he cut his brothers and sisters out of his will (yes, even Tito and La Toya!!), giving mother Katherine Jackson custody of his kids, Prince, Paris, and Blanket, and making two non-family members executors of the estate. SO! Early last week Grandma Katherine up and disappears... and Paris twattered that she was worried, adding, "I haven't spoken with her in a week I want her home now." Turns out the other Jackson kids (Rebbie, Janet, Jermaine, Randy, and Tito) had whisked granny off to Arizona, where—reportedly, mind you—they enacted a "diabolical plot" to "brainwash" her into unseating the current executors, thereby allowing them to get hold of that sweet pile of MJ moolah. (Note: The idea of Tito coming up with a "diabolical plot" is too funny.) BUT HERE'S THE MOST SADLARIOUS PART. TMZ reports that today, after reading young Paris' "kidnapping" twatter, Randy, Jermaine, and Janet stormed Katherine Jackson's house in their SUVs, and allegedly attempted to "strong arm" the kids to coming to Arizona as well. (What's so great about Arizona?!? Answer: NOTHING.) Janet—or "Ms. Jackson, if you happen to be nasty—allegedly attempted to steal Paris' twatter machine, slapped the teenager, and screamed, "You're a spoiled little bitch!" Paris then apparently slapped Janet back (OOOOOH!) and replied, "This is our house. Not the Jackson family house. Get the fuck out!!" A scuffle then reportedly broke out between the invading brothers and the kids' onsite guardian, Trent Jackson, who put "Randy in a headlock and punched Jermaine in the mouth." WOW!!!!! After Grandma Katherine was brought home, an LA judge temporarily stripped her of guardianship (due to the family's Machiavellian manipulations), and Tito's son, T.J. Jackson, who everyone seems to agree ISN'T INSANE, will care for the kids. Now. What was that you were saying about your so-called "crazy" family?
TUESDAY, JULY 24
Speaking of the high cost of "crazy," pop diva and nutty-as-a-fruitcake-under-psychiatric-hold performer Mariah Carey is receiving a whopping $18 million to be a judge on American Idol. Upon hearing this news, Tito Jackson replied, "You think she's crazy? I got my mama locked in the trunk of my car!"
WEDNESDAY, JULY 25
Just when you think this week couldn't get any more exciting, THIS HAPPENED: Us Weekly has obtained photos of Twilight's 22-year-old Kristen Stewart—romantically involved for years with co-star/glitter-skinned vampire Robert Pattinson—steamily making out with her 41-year-old Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders... who just so happens to be MARRIED. Oooooooh!! And also, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!! Realizing she was stone-cold busted, Kristen quickly issued a public apology: "I'm deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry." Upon hearing this apology, a long-time Twilight fan hopped on Twatter to issue her statement. "EFF YOU KRISTEN...HOW COULD YOU BETRAY ROB...all he's done was love you and you cheat on him AAAANNNNDDDDD YOUVE BEEN LYING FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG AT EVENTS AND SHIT and when it looked like you and rob were finally showing some PDA, it was a lie because you had cheated so THANKS." So say we all, anonymous Twihard twatterer. So say we all.
THURSDAY, JULY 26
Speaking of someone who will never find love again, former Kate Plus 8 star Kate Gosselin is shopping around her latest idea for a reality show, in which she'll scour the nation for a new idiot... whoops. We mean "husband." "She finds it hard to meet men," a source with a firm grasp of the obvious tells E! Online. "And so a dating show will give her exactly the help she needs... to meet Mr. Right." Confidential to any potential "Mr. Right": Kate Gosselin is CRAZY. Like Jackson family "crazy"! RUN! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!
FRIDAY, JULY 27
Finally spreading her wings after her acrimonious split from Tom Cruise, tonight Katie Holmes went out on the town with a mysterious gentlema—ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Oh, sorry! We must've fallen asleep for a moment there, because TomKat is old news. Let's see what's going on with Kristen and Rob! According to Radar Online, Kristen is now writing an apology letter to Liberty Ross, the British model who happens to be the wife of Rupert Sanders, Kristen's director/makeout buddy! "The fact that Liberty and Rupert have two kids has now dawned on her and she feels awful for what she did," a source tells Radar, probably while rolling their eyes. Say, how about a quick One Day at a Time Trivia Challenge? Ready? Okay! Q: When he was directing/making out with Kristen Stewart as Snow White in Snow White and the Huntsman, whom did Rupert Sanders cast in the role of "Snow White's Dead Mother"? A: That would be... Liberty Ross. Awwwk-ward.
SATURDAY, JULY 28
Wait, wait! Hold up with that "Kristen is sobbing while writing heartfelt apology notes to everyone she's ever met" news! British gossip rag the Mirror now claims the only reason Kirsten apologized was because Robert made her. "Furious with her betrayal with Brit Rupert, 41, he demanded she apologize," the Mirror reports. "They spoke on the phone and he said, 'You've completely humiliated me,'" says another source. "All the trust is gone." Gone, you say? Perhaps like... all of Rob's things? Yes, it's true: "Robert Pattinson has packed his bags," says People. "The 26-year-old actor has left the Los Angeles home he shared with Stewart." Gasp. MEANWHILE... Last week, Southern chicken chain Chick-fil-A was slammed with bad publicity after its Bible-thumpin' president, Dan Cathy, proudly condemned gay marriage. But in the part of the world where sane people live, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos did exactly the opposite. Last week, Bezos received an email from Jennifer Cast—one of Amazon's first employees, a gay marriage activist, and a lesbian mother of four. She didn't mince words. "I want to have the right to marry the love of my life and to let my children and grandchildren know their family is honored like a 'real' family," Cast wrote. "We need help from straight people. To be very frank, we need help from wealthy straight people who care about us." Two days later, she got an email back from Bezos and his wife. "Jen, this is right for so many reasons," it read. "We're in for $2.5 million. Jeff & MacKenzie." Ahhh. Nothing like a few million dollars to get rid of the taste of bigotry and chicken grease.
SUNDAY, JULY 29
Aaah! We're almost out of space! How did this happen? (Thanks for NOTHING, Jackson family.) Here's a quick rundown of today's freshest Kristen and Rob news! (1) Kristen and Rob are no longer speaking to each other. Okay, that seems fair. (2) Even though Robert already moved out, now Kristen's decided to move out too, for some reason? She's using a U-Haul. (3) "Katy Perry is moving in for the kill," says the Superficial. Wait! WHAT!? "Katy has been a rock for Rob," a source tells the Daily Star. "She has reassured him she is very much there for him, just as he was for her when she split from Russell [Brand]. She has urged him to take a break with [Kristen]." To hear the male perspective on this scandalous news, we turned to Hubby Kip—whose grumpiness at being pulled away from his 5,423rd Xbox game of Skyrim miraculously vanished when he realized he now had an excuse to gaze longingly at a picture of Katy Perry. "Nice," Kip said. "Good for that shiny little vampire kid. If you gotta trade in, always trade up, I say."