MONDAY, AUGUST 6
To further reinforce your view that "romance is a goddamned crock of shit," here's the latest on the Kristen Stewart/Robert Pattinson love implosion! First, a quick recap: RPat and KStew were all lovey-dovey until she started getting smoochy-woochy (and reportedly oral sexy) with Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders, who's married to now-scorned actress/model Liberty Ross. RPat kicked KStew out of his house, had her car towed to McDonald's (HA!), and went into hiding behind Reese Witherspoon's chin (okay, fine... her ranch in Ojai, California). Meanwhile KStew has been KStewing in her own pathetic juices, incessantly sobbing in between large spoonfuls of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey. Now? According to multiple sources, RPat has been gorging himself as well—with the demon alcohol! He's been spotted whooping it up in an Ojai hillbilly bar and, according to a source speaking to In Touch, has been "drinking like crazy" to numb his sorrow as well as drunk dialing Kristen! "Rob had been avoiding her calls, but now they're talking," the snoopy pal says, adding, "Well, they're barely talking. There's a lot of dead silence on the phone, because there's not a lot to talk about." HAHAHA—ouch! Sounds like somebody needs a Chunky Monkey Vodka Float... stat! MEANWHILE... Across the pond, cheating hubby Rupert Sanders is now regretting he fell prey to KStew's lip-biting, dull-eyed charms, and is doing everything possible to win back "devastated" wifey Liberty Ross. And she's not making it easy! Besides not speaking to him for a week, and insisting that RuSand bow out of directing the Snow White sequel, LiRo has been spotted trotting around sans wedding ring and dining with "an unidentified male companion." Does he smell like he fell into a barrel of rum? It could be RPat! (Hey, we can dream, can't we?)
TUESDAY, AUGUST 7
Speaking of couples we'd die to see together, former X Files star Gillian "Scully" Anderson has split from longtime boytoy Mark Griffiths, and according to Celebrity Dirty Laundry, has fallen into the arms of former X Files co-star David "Mulder" Duchovny! Allow yourself a moment to squeal about that. SQUEAL! David, of course, is a well-known alleged sex addict—which sounds great, unless you were Téa Leoni and unhappily married to him for 12 years. However, due to the amazing sexual chemistry Gillian and David shared during their nine-year run on The X Files, we can't help but think these two are going to make a fantastic couple, and can't wait for them to... THIS JUST IN. A killjoy publicist for DaDuch just issued a proclamation DENYING reports that Scully and Mulder are romantically involved. BOOOOO!!! (So much for our idea to turn our high school X Files fan fiction into an unauthorized biography.)
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 8
Question: Former beloved rapper Kanye West released a new song today called "Perfect Bitch"—and guess who it's about? Answer: "I wrote the song 'Perfect Bitch' about Kim [Kardashian]," Kanye twattered. (How can something be so appropriate, yet inappropriate at the same time?) Terrible, horrific monster Kim had this to say in response, according to TMZ: "I'm honored. I love it. I know he doesn't mean it in a negative way when he says the word 'bitch'." Just to put this in perspective, we've called Kim a monster, a trollop, a fanged pig, an ogre, a malodorous gargoyle, and a "despicable shit stain on the genital wart of humanity." And yet? We would never call her a "bitch." Thanks for enabling Kanye and demeaning the rest of us, Kim—you stinking, walking pustule on the undercarriage of a syphilitic mule. MEANWHILE... And you can skip over this part and move on to Thursday if you have a delicate constitution, but here's what the cannibalized victim of the Miami Zombie who was caught chewing Ronald Poppo's face off two months ago had to say about the encounter. (After several surgeries, the now blind Poppo is still in Jackson Memorial Hospital.) "He attacked me," Poppo calmly told reporters. "He just ripped me to ribbons. He chewed up my face. He plucked out my eyes. Basically that's all there is to say about it." We now return you to shivering and saying "Brrrrrrr!"
THURSDAY, AUGUST 9
In "Hillbilly News," it was reported today that country singer Randy Travis crashed his car, and was found stinking drunk while "nude and lying in the roadway" before eventually being arrested. According to the police report, Travis also threatened to shoot and kill the troopers who made the arrest. On the upside, he is dating neither Kristen Stewart nor Kim Kardashian. MEANWHILE... Snaggletoothed teen hillbilly Miley Cyrus got her hair cut to look just like the one Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) wore in the mid-'90s during Friends. Says original Friends co-star Marcel the Monkey, after seeing the new hairstyle, "She looks like a goddamned ape."
FRIDAY, AUGUST 10
Suri Cruise is "adjusting well" to the Divorce of the Century™, Radar Online reports, citing a source that says Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise haven't seen each other since the split, so "Suri has been protected from any uncomfortable situations. And both have agreed not to say anything derogatory about the other." "I'll take it from here, thanks!" interrupted Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. "While Tom's too noble to say anything, I'd like to note that Katie Holmes is a stinking, walking pustule on the undercarriage of a syphilitic Abraxian meteor toad! Snap! Oh, and while I have your readers' attention, Ann, I'd like to remind them that the criminally underrated drama Battlefield Earth, inspired by the prophetic writings of L. Ron Hubbard, is currently available on Netflix Instant! Who wants to come over? I have popcorn!" After four solar chrono-cycles of absolute silence, Klaktu mumbled, "Fine. Come over if you change your mind, I guess. Unless you are Katie Holmes, in which case you are never invited ever."
SATURDAY, AUGUST 11
At long last, XXL asked 50 Cent what he thought of Kanye West's new song "Perfect Bitch." "I mean... if that man feel like she's perfect, then she's perfect," 50 said diplomatically. Somewhat less diplomatically, he added, "You know what it is? One man's trash is another man's treasure." Well said, 50 Cent. Well said. MEANWHILE... Mitt Romney has tapped Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan as his running mate. Wonkette writes that this morning "Romney and Ryan set foot on the USS Wisconsin, a formal Naval battleship and government-run museum, to point out that the government has done nothing useful and should be destroyed." (The candidates walked out to the theme from Air Force One, the movie in which President Harrison Ford punched terrorists in their faces. Subtle, guys.) Ryan's famous for two things: Giving out Atlas Shrugged to his staff for Christmas (shudder), and drafting what the New Yorker called a "profoundly radical document"—a hard-line budget that slashed things like financial aid for low-income students. So. This should be fun.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 12
The London Olympics ended today. In the closing ceremony, Russell Brand sang a song from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory from atop a hippie van, and Fatboy Slim brought back 1998 by playing "The Rockafeller Skank" beneath a giant inflatable octopus, and then there were Spice Girls. MOVING ON. Realizing she didn't want to be associated with Jennifer "Hollywood's Old Maid" Aniston, Miley Cyrus has ditched her "Rachel" 'do in lieu of what Yahoo! OMG calls "a spiky pixie cut." To us it looks like Billy Ray Cyrus drunkenly went after his daughter with a Flowbee, but hey—still better than a Rachel! MEANWHILE... What?! "Jennifer Aniston is heading back to the altar after accepting a marriage proposal from Justin Theroux," CNN reports. Uh, good for you, Jen! (Psst! Justin! We told you to run! It isn't too late!) BACK TO MILEY! Spiky Pixie Miley will "appear in at least several episodes" of Two and a Half Men, says E! Online. She'll play a "sexy" new character who... who... wow. Was the highlight of today really Russell Brand singing Willy Wonka? Really?!